Pregnant and DP never wanted kids. What to do.

[Daisy852]

I'm a long time lurker, but never posted before. So confused and would really appreciate some advice please.

I'm 34, been with DP for 6 years. He was never keen on a family, I was, but I was trying to come to terms with being child free so we could stay together.
I've had a long history of horrendous side effects with every type of contraception, so 6 months ago we took the mutual decision to use natural family planning. Fully aware of the risks. Anyway, I must have mis calculated my fertile period dates as I'm now 4-5weeks pg. I honestly thought that in my mid 30s it wasn't possible to get knocked up so easily!
DP is absolutely livid, says I've done it deliberately (definitely not), and that its all my fault and he wants me to get rid of it. I'm trying to talk to him about our options, but he can barely speak to me now.
I'm completely and utterly torn in two by it. I always swore I'd never have an abortion, but now I find myself contemplating it. I would dearly love a child, but not in these circumstances, without a supportive partner. I don't want to force my DP into being a father. Even if I went it alone I don't feel it would be fair on a child to have an absent father who isn't interested.
I am so torn, neither option is going to be pain free. But I have niggling at the back of my mind: I'm 34, this could be my last chance to be a mum, and I might always regret terminating. I've always dreamed of being a mum and would love to continue the pregnancy if DP was more supportive.
Sorry for rambling.

Their are 2 issues here that I see. One is his reaction to your pregnancy and the other is what you do with that pregnancy-separate issues.

IMO first thing you need to do is get extremely angry with him for his reaction and express that anger to him. Your anger needs to exceed his.

Tell him it is absolutely horrendous for someone who willingly decided to use natural family planning knowing the risks to accuse their partner of deliberately trapping him.

Whatever you decide to do, he needs to understand that you will not tolerate that kind of bullshit. I cannot believe he is barely speaking to you because you got pregnant using a inadequate method of contraception endorsed by him. He needs to get over himself. no matter what happens here - abortion or baby-it is you who will be assuming the physical risks associated with it so the failure of contraception affects you far more than him.

I suspect you are feeling a bit guilty because deep down you are glad to be pregnant-but you have nothing to feel guilty about. he willingly assumed a risk.

With regard to the pregnancy-it is your decision alone. If you have an abortion you don't want because of him your relationship will not survive. It may not survive having a baby but it won't survive an unwilling abortion either.

best of luck to you.

'if I did have a termination it would be for him mainly.'

Then don't. Research some of the pregnancy choices boards here and threads on termination and you will find one fundamental premise underlying every single one: those who made the decision for themselves, not a partner, are the ones who are happy with their decision.

Yes exactly what expat says above.. A termination for someone else is a terrible idea. I had one under parental pressure and have bitterly regretted it ever since, over a decade ago now and I don't think I will ever come to terms with it honestly.

I also think it can be a hard enough thing for a relationship to survive when it is a mutual decision but especially when it is so one sided.

And of course he needs to consider your feelings as you said in your most recent post. Your feelings are paramount in this situation and if you don't want a termination please, please don't have one.

And I am pro choice btw, but only when it is the woman's true choice.

Can I ask why you are surprised at the strength of feeling OP? The fact that it hadn't occurred to you that he ought to be considering your feelings worries me. Does he often tell you what to think about things or expect you to fall into line?

No nothing like that at all. He'd get short shrift if he told me to fall into line over anything!!
We had a long chat last night about everything, and although we haven't made a decision yet, he was back to his usual calm self and very reasonable about it all. We've talked about the possibility of keeping the baby and staying together and although unsure, he's open to the option. We've got a lot more talking to do over the next few weeks.

Does he accept responsibility for this baby's creation? I can't believe that any man thinks its okay to have unprotected sex with a woman in the prime of her fertility and then say its her fault when she gets pregnant.

if he doesnt want children ever, why on earth hasnt he had a vasectomy or at the very least been insisting on condoms. Noone gets pregnant all by themselves and he knew you weren't on any reliable contraception. Now youre pregnant and he is ANGRY rather than talking and being supportive and working out the future??

Big hugs to you OP.

Think about what YOU want to do. Fuck him off. Hes really shown you who he is.

If he was part of the decision to use natural family planning, they he is 50% responsible for the pregnancy and for him to say it is your fault is outrageous.

Tell him to man up and take responsibility.

We both thought natural family planning was a lot more reliable. I did my research and spoke to a family planning nurse about all the signs you have to monitor. According to the FPA it's 98% effective if used properly. We weren't playing Russian roulette.

www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html?_r=0

This link might be interesting to you both.

surely if he was that adamant that he did not want children, he should have had a vasectomy, and never gone along with 'natural contraception' which as I recall is about 70 per cent effective.

By agreeing to using this method of 'contraception' he accepted the risk that you might get pregnant.

Being a single parent might be your only option. He sounds like an idiot anyway.

I get the strong feeling from your OP that you DO want to have a baby. I would definitely take some time to think through your choices and get some professional advice, Marie Stopes are amazing. I am very pro-choice, but I feel from your post you would ultimately regret your decision to terminate. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? You will end up resenting your partner if you make decisions based on his feelings, and I guarantee the relationship will be irretrievably damaged.

This is a situation that has been caused by actions involving both you and your partner and I find it disgusting that he would blame you when he could have taken precautions himself. Frankly, I'd be questioning the relationship in any case based on his reaction. What an arse.

Maybe we should all back off a little now, op has said dp is being more reasonable now, yes he has behaved very badly but there may now be the potential to resolve this

Just pointing out the obvious that even if the birth control method you chose was 98% effective, that would still mean that 2 couples out of every 100, or 1 couple out of every 50 will get pregnant each year, even if they use it perfectly.

This year, you were that 1 out of 50 couples who it didn't work for. There's no way he should blame you for that - it was a risk you both took.

So, his pleasure is your pain?

If he had wanted to, he could have used a condom. The sex may not have felt so good for him, but he could have used a condom.

Hope you make the right decision for you, op x

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Well, he knew the risks associated with your method of contraception. Did you discuss what you would do if your methods failed? Or is he assuming that you would get a termination, knowing that you've always wanted to be a mum? If so, sounds like he views termination as a back up form of contraception. Hopefully it was just the shock and he is being more supportive now and has apologised for saying you did it deliberately!

It sounds like you feel that you have to choose having a baby or staying with your partner. I think that you might resent him in the long run if you terminate the pregnancy solely to please him. When you get a termination they ask you "is this your decision " and if you can't honestly answer
That it is, perhaps it is not right for you

natural family planning depends on all sorts of things that you just don't know about without x-ray vision to see when the egg is released.

those for whom it is very important not to get pregnant need to use two separate forms of contraception. That's why the advice on here for teens is always condom AND pill (plus the disease aspect too).

I am pro-choice. I also think every child should be wanted by both parents, but the decision of the pregnant person trumps everything else.

I have been in a very similar situation to you. I was so worried about H reaction that I didn't tell him for 10 weeks. He too tried to force me down the abortion route, threatening that I'd do it on my own.

I made two termination appointments, the thought if the 2nd one, at 14wks sent me into a near panic attack. I decided that the baby (my last chance at 40) meant more to me than him and our 20 year relationship.

Sometimes he seems like he's coming round (it help that DS, aged 5, I'd excited) but he does then show his colours and say he's not intrested/doesn't give a shit about baby.

I say this because neither route is easy and whichever way you go has to be right for you. This is your choice. You're the one who will have to live with whatever decision you make. Picture yourself with either option and figure out which one will make YOU happiest. If you opt to continue with your pregnancy you'll find there are lots of supportive groups out there.

If you decide to end it, please make sure you speak to the councilors (they had this service with Marie Stopes) I found them to be an enormous help.

I know it all seems so very difficult now but whatever you do, ensure you make the right choice for you. Best of luck x

You poor thing

If you terminate the pregnancy and split up with him in 5 years how do you think you will feel about this decision?

Never, ever terminate a pregnancy for someone else, especially if it's likely to be your only chance for a baby (unless you ditch him and find someone else, which let's face it wouldn't be a guaranteed proposition)

I hope you follow your gut. And when the dust has settled take a hard look at your partner's behaviour here.

Hi OP. I was in a similar situation to you in terms of unexpected, unplanned pregnancy, DP already had two kids from previous marriage and struggled with fatherhood (mostly due to his ex dumping the kids on him whilst she lived her life), we'd only been together 5 months and I had been laid off work, he was miserable at his work too. It was a very bleak time.

I did have the abortion. And to this day it is the only regret of my entire life. I did it entirely for him. Fast forward five years and he decided he did want a child with me, we found out I have severe endometriosis and may never be able to have children. Luckily, we had treatment and we now have a beautiful DS together - but I had several miscarriages and years of heartbreak between that time, and I would not wish that on anyone.

I am pro-choice, but as others have said, only if it is YOUR choice. Don't ever do it for somebody else, because you will regret it for the rest of your life.

I have had a termination and am very pro choice, but I can't advise you to have one here, because that would clearly be wrong, given that you simply don't want one, it's just that you are feeling pressurised. And that in itself is NOT a good enough reason.

Hi op, don't know how things are going with your decision. 3.5 years ago I also had a contraception failure and fell pregnant. DP didn't feel ready, we hadn't discusses a family and he wanted an abortion. I decided to continue the pregnancy regardless and was prepared to go it alone with or without his support. After a few weeks he decided he was in, dd is 2.8 now and the light of our lives- both of us. I pro choice 100 percent but please only do what you want to do - he will either get on board or not but you'll be a great mum