Pregnant and DP never wanted kids. What to do.

[Daisy852]

I'm a long time lurker, but never posted before. So confused and would really appreciate some advice please.

I'm 34, been with DP for 6 years. He was never keen on a family, I was, but I was trying to come to terms with being child free so we could stay together.
I've had a long history of horrendous side effects with every type of contraception, so 6 months ago we took the mutual decision to use natural family planning. Fully aware of the risks. Anyway, I must have mis calculated my fertile period dates as I'm now 4-5weeks pg. I honestly thought that in my mid 30s it wasn't possible to get knocked up so easily!
DP is absolutely livid, says I've done it deliberately (definitely not), and that its all my fault and he wants me to get rid of it. I'm trying to talk to him about our options, but he can barely speak to me now.
I'm completely and utterly torn in two by it. I always swore I'd never have an abortion, but now I find myself contemplating it. I would dearly love a child, but not in these circumstances, without a supportive partner. I don't want to force my DP into being a father. Even if I went it alone I don't feel it would be fair on a child to have an absent father who isn't interested.
I am so torn, neither option is going to be pain free. But I have niggling at the back of my mind: I'm 34, this could be my last chance to be a mum, and I might always regret terminating. I've always dreamed of being a mum and would love to continue the pregnancy if DP was more supportive.
Sorry for rambling.

I am pro-choice. Massively and unequivocally. But please don't have a termination because someone else wants you to. This needs to be your choice. I would suggest you think about it as two choices:

1. Terminate the pregnancy; or
2. Continue the pregnancy on the assumption you'll be a single parent. If he steps up (and you can forgive him for this behaviour) then great.

The thing that really sings out to me from your post is that you want kids. You were 'trying to come to terms' with being child free. You would 'dearly love' a child. It sounds like you were making a massive sacrifice to be with this man. Are you sure that is a sacrifice you want to make? It is one thing to come to a mutual decision not to have kids. It is another to not have them because it is the only way to 'keep' your relationship.

I'm afraid I also can't bear not to raise this cautionary tale - I know two women who were in relationships with men who didn't want kids and decided not to have them where the man left them in their 40s, and lo an behold had kids with a woman 10 years younger. I am sure you want to believe your relationship is forever (we all do), but it's only prudent to weigh in the balance that not all relationships last, and you are giving up your options in a way he is not. (One of those stories has a happy ending btw, as she met someone else, got pregnant at about 42 and successfully had a little girl. The other woman was slightly older and hasn't).

Oh gosh. I cross posted with Kew about the 'other family' point. Sorry. Didn't mean to ram it home.

Yes Libaries my very dear friend split with a boyfriend in her early 40's after he declared he never wanted children. He now has two with someone 10 years younger. She now has a lovely dh and three step sons but does regret not having the chance to at least try for biological children.

And I can't resist pointing out that a man who relies on "natural" contraception when he is so opposed to having children could only be described as "dim"! And one who gets angry when the (almost) inevitable happens as "unpleasant".

I'm sorry you've having to deal with him. I may be nice some of the time but a better of peoples character is how they behave when the chips are down not when things are going swimmingly.

It is abundantly clear that you want to keep this baby. Don't throw away this chance to have children. Don't have an abortion for anyone apart from yourself, especially someone who doesn't trust you when you say it was an accident. Did you both discuss what would happen if you did get pregnant when you stitched to natural birth control? How come a vasectomy wasn't an option for him but an abortion is OK for you? He is just as much to blame as you. If he can't understand that once the shock has worn off, I would be questioning the relationship.

He may be nice some of the time - I am nice all of the time.

Vasectomy point is a very good one - why didn't he have a vasectomy if he's so opposed to children? Or is he just opposed to having children with you, and he doesn't want to rule out having them at some point with someone.

Not having a vasectomy or using a condom does speak of someone who sees reproduction as 'her issue'. Which is pretty unpleasant when you think about it.

Your pregnancy isn't something you have done to him. He is not a victim here - don't let him play that role. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

It's too hard to predict how he'll be once the baby arrives, or how you'll feel about him if you terminate. These are unknowns. All you can really know deep down, I think, is; putting his feelings aside, putting possible futures aside - do you want to have this baby? Do you want to be a mother?

He's not considering you, and what you want. His reaction has been all about himself. You need to think of yourself. Make the decision for you, not him.

I cannot say this strongly enough: DO NOT HAVE AN ABORTION TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER.

If he didn't want a baby, there were ways for him to prevent it happening. He did not prevent it, in fact he used no contraception at all so him banging on about this being your fault is utter bullshit.

This has to be entirely your decision. Only abort if you genuinely do not want this baby. Absolutely do not do it to please your partner. Whatever happens your relationship might be ok or it might end, but there is no going back once you abort a baby, it is not something that should be done to save a relationship that may end anyway. If he pushes you into aborting a baby you want then I don't see how the relationship could possibly survive anyway so the likely outcome for you is no baby and no partner.

Being a single parent is hard, but not impossible. It is definitely a viable option for you. Don't be scared. If it's what you want, you can make it work.

You had previously agreed to make a huge sacrifice of something to wanted to be with him.

Him? Not so much

Friend was in exactly the same position as you. Dh was adamant he didn't want kids and she wanted kids but had come to uneasy terms at 40 she probably was not going to have any. She found out she was pregnant and dh went ballistic said he would leave if she didn't terminate.

I advised her that either he stays and she had an abortion but it would drive a wedge between them. The relationship probably would not survive her looking at him each day knowing he made her kill her unborn child. then he would leave and go on to have children with someone else and she would be on her own. Or she kept going with the pregnancy and he leaves but she will have a baby at the end of it. Or when he settles down and comes to terms with everything then he would fall in love with their child and become a happy family unit.

She kept going with the pregnancy and after a period of moving out and several arguments he came to terms with the fact he was going to be a father and they had a beautiful baby girl.

Like others have said he would have a vasectomy if he wanted to be sure he would never have children. He is really saying he doesn't want to have children with you at this point in time, not that he never wants children. My very first LTB?

OP, I get the feeling from your posts that you'd like to have this baby & that you hope your partner will "come round" to the idea.

He's made it very clear over the years that he doesn't wish children. He's said he wants you to terminate. I don't think you can count on him being an involved or committed parent.

If you stay together & terminate, you'll resent him & that will kill your relationship. If you go ahead, his resentment will kill the relationship.

I think your decision is whether you want to be a single parent, or not.

As Kew and Libraries pointed out, many men who say they don't want children end up having them later on, when the sacrificing ex is then too old to have any. Fucking brutal.

I think there's a reasonable chance that when he says he doesn't want children he means he doesn't want children with you. Bluntly, he hasn't committed to childlessness (vasectomy) and he hasn't committed to you (marriage) - either of which he could easily have done.

I agree with pps that this is a decision you should take without reference to him. Terminating the pregnancy is no more a guarantee of keeping DP than continuing with it would be a guarantee of losing him.

There's a thread kicking about atm called something like ' what I wish I'd known before about being a lone parent'.

Maybe you should hunt it out?

I me it is easier to be a LP from day one (or day 1 minus 9 months) than the change later on.

You never know what life wil throw you.

Regardless your dp doesn't sound like a great guy.

Oh, and about this "Even if I went it alone I don't feel it would be fair on a child to have an absent father who isn't interested." - there are plenty of men who fuck off when their kids are older. I suspect it's probably easier for kids who grow up with an entirely absent dad than those whose dads clear off when they're five or six or seven, or who are present in their lives but not really interested (my dad and my ex are both the latter category). I wouldn't give this much weight in your considerations.

The fact that your first reaction to the bfp was concern over his anger speaks volumes.

I hope you find the strength to go for what YOU want. I'd like to think that in your shoes I would be telling him to shape up or fuck off.

I have never met a single woman who had a termination for a partner who has not regretted it in the extreme. This man is bullying, controlling and not nice. You may love him, but not loving yourself and what you want more is a grave mistake.

Wow thank you for all the messages and support. I've been at work all day and only just checked in. I'm a bit overwhelmed with the strength of feeling regarding my dp's reaction. I hadn't really looked at it this way, but maybe I do need to be a bit stronger and insist he consider my feelings in all this. I'm still not sure what to do, but at least I have a few weeks to consider everything before I need to make a decision. Hopefully in that time when the shock has subsided he'll be more willing to talk.

'Hopefully in that time when the shock has subsided he'll be more willing to talk.'

I wouldn't count on it. You can't see it now, but you're in a controlling relationship. You wanted children, he manipulated you into believing a relationship with him was worth more than your own desire. I can promise you, no one is ever worth that. Regret is an awful thing to live with. I say that as someone who learned that the hard way.

Your life and this child's life is not all about him. So stop making it so.

you were both fully aware of the risks and took them. Natural family planning is roulette, and you lost the spin.

you should have talked about the 'what if' which has now happened.

regardless; the choice about continuing a pregnancy is with the pregnant person. He cannot be forced to want the baby, or to do anything except provide financial support.

so assume you will be a single parent, and then decide. I fear that this is the end of the relationship anyway as there is no compromise on this one.

I wish you all the best.

You have several weeks to make your decision, there's no rush. If he won't consider your feelings, make sure you do! Like I said, I'm staunchly pro-choice, but it seems like you don't feel like you have much of a choice, and you absolutely do. Having a baby is as a valid a choice as terminating the pregnancy, and having a termination you don't want is a pretty good route to a fair bit of misery for you (while DP carries on gallivanting as if nothing ever happened). Can you speak to your doctor about accessing some counselling about this? You will need to see a doctor at some point soon whether you terminate or continue your pregnancy anyway, and I think it will be really useful in helping you sort your thoughts and feelings out.

Also Expat is spot on about your DP being controlling and manipulative, but you may not be ready to see that. That's another reason it's important for you to go to counselling on your own, to make sure you know you're making this decision for you, based on your thoughts and feelings. Have a think about how you'll feel about him in the long term if he does railroad you into a termination you don't really want - it doesn't sound like a good recipe for a blissful relationship does it?

Best of luck Daisy

Reading your post several things jump out at me:
6 months ago we took the mutual decision to use natural family planning. Fully aware of the risks.

DP is absolutely livid, says I've done it deliberately (definitely not), and that its all my fault and he wants me to get rid of it.

As many have said, perhaps you should both have discussed what would happen in the event of a 'failure' of family planning (which could have occurred at any point). If he really didn't want children at all, then he could have done something about it, as a member of my family did (vasectomy). He is as much to "blame" as you are, in as much as you agreed to use natural family planning.

It could be that his reaction is one of shock, but it does not portray him in a a pleasant light. He should not be forcing you to make a decision, he should be discussing with you what the future implications are of either continuing with or terminating the pregnancy.

Equally, you cannot force him to want the baby, so you may need to consider the possibility of being a single parent. I know quite a few and they do a great job.

Expat is entirely right, I'm afraid.

Having had two unexpected pregnancies, I can tell you that that is not the reaction of a decent guy, even when shocked. Particularly not a decent guy who has manipulated you into using natural planning methods and then somehow blamed the resultant pregnancy on you.

A good, decent man will be shocked. He might even be quiet for a few days while he process things. That's a natural reaction for some people. A good, decent man does not blame you or tell you to get rid of it. He sits down and discusses the options like an adult, and asks you how you feel as well, and works to find a solution you are both as comfortable with as possible.

I'm sure this is quite a lot to process and not what you expected, and I'm sorry you have these two things to deal with at the same time. But please listen to everyone when they say this is not the way a good and decent man reacts.