4 weeks ago

[Clemmers]

4 weeks ago, I had a medical termination. 4 weeks yesterday.

Had i continued the pregnancy, I'd now be in my second trimester. Maybe my nausea would have stopped. Maybe I'd have a scan picture. Maybe I'd be looking at cots and thinking about names. I miss being pregnant.

Since the termination, I've started a journal. I've began to make changes. My partner and I have become closer than ever. We started to really talk about moving in together. We've agreed that we both want to try again once we are settled. The biggest change? I finally, after 6 months of searching, have a job.

I saw my baby. I saw its face, I saw its hands. I named it in my head. Eventually I will forgive myself but I will never forget. I will keep my baby in my heart and soul. But I will become the best person I can be, in readiness for the baby I will get to keep in my arms instead.

No experience/advice but

It sounds like you have done the right thing for you.

Be kind to yourself.

I'm very glad to hear about the job, Clemmers. That's really good news.

You posted on my thread - I am in a similar position to you. It's a horrible situation to be in, isn't it. It feels weird to have a termination, even though you know you want to have a baby, and have a baby with the same person. That's how it feels to me, anyway.

I hope you're ok. If it helps, the nurse that I saw yesterday suggested writing the reasons for your decision on a bit of paper and looking at it if times get tough, to remind yourself that it was the best decision for you, and the right decision, even if it was hard.

Clemmers

I was on your last thread (have nc since though).

Congratulations on the job. That's really good news.

I wrote a letter to my unborn baby. It didn't go anywhere of course but the act of writing it all down was quite cathartic.

Like you I will never ever forget. I think I'll always feel sadness and regret. Going through the termination changed me forever.

It sounds like things are really moving forward for you which is really good.

All we can ever do is make a decision in the moment with the information and feelings we have. We can second guess what life would be like if we'd made a different decision (and i frequently do) but it's only ever a guess. Who knows how things would've turned out? Its not reality. This is reality here and now and we owe it to ourselves to make it the best reality it can be. I should remind myself of that from time to time too.

You will move forward. Things will get better. But until then, you must let yourself feel how you feel. It's healthy to feel like this.

And I wanted to say those are absolutely beautiful words you have written x