Feeling a little down

[Bexicle22]

I had a surgical abortion almost a month ago now and while I don't regret it because I know it was the right thing to for my situation, I can't help but feel sad now and again.

I'm okay 99% of the time but when I'm having a down day in general or if I am sat on my own with too much thinking time, I start to think things like, was it a boy or a girl? Could it have even been twins? (my partner is an identical twin) What would it/they would have looked like? sometimes I feel this emptiness and it makes me sad knowing that I did have a baby growing in me and now it's not there. I got an email the other day from when I signed up to a baby website as initially I planned on keeping the baby, it was telling me the progress and how it would have fingerprints and be starting to move about now. I don't think I need counselling because it's not something that affects my daily life and I'm not always thinking about it. It might cross my mind if I see someone who is pregnant or someone with a baby in the street but it's not like I'm breaking down into tears or anything. It just hits me sometimes and I do feel sad.

My partner and I didn't really talk about it. It was kind of an unspoken mutual agreement to have the termination and while he didn't force me, I did it because I wanted to, I feel like maybe we should have talked about it more. We haven't talked about it since, he was good on the day of the surgery, making sure I was okay, feeling okay, looking after me etc and when I ended up in hospital due to an infection from the surgery, he took me and sat with me for 8 hours despite having work the next day. But other than that, it's not been spoken about and I feel like I can't talk to him about it which is why I'm reaching out to you guys on here. I just want to talk about it, talk to those of you who have gone through the same thing, whether you just felt a little sad from time to time like me or whether you have had to go to counselling. None of my family know I had the abortion and my best friend, who is the only other person besides my partner who knows, I don't see her an awful lot and she is always very busy as she is a teacher and doesn't reply to texts etc.

So yeah, I guess I'm just looking to talk to some other girls on here

I remember your original posts. I hear you, I honestly do. You can't help the way you are or how you feel. If you said to your partner can we talk about things, even if he just listens for 20 mins, that would help you enormously I'm sure. Such a shame it's such a taboo conversation.

In my experience its normal to mull it over as you say you are, did you take up the offer of counselling? Something's it help to just talk to a non biased person who doesn't have an opinion on you decision.

It's still very raw isn't it? Try to speak to your partner, not to talk about regrets etc just to talk it through. I found writing it all down on paper helped and often find my best conversations with my hubby are via text!

Thank you for your reply My partner is quite childish really, in mentality I mean. He doesn't like to talk about "serious" things, he prefers to live in his own little bubble. It makes it hard to talk to him because he either gets snappy or I wonder if he's really listening and it makes me not want to open up. I feel like there's no point talking about it to him because it's not going to change anything really and he won't really understand because he's not been the one to have to go through it; the pregnancy, the morning sickness, growing belly and then an abortion and all of that suddenly not being there anymore. I thought when I got the abortion that I wouldn't have any of these feelings because I knew 100% that it was the right thing to do. I dunno, maybe it's just a woman's instinct to mourn the loss of a child in any circumstance? I wasn't offered any counselling and I didn't ask about it because I was sure I would have the procedure and be able to forget about it. It's not been long since I had it done but now I'm worried that these kinds of feelings won't ever go away :(

Shame you can't talk to him, but it is what it is, chat on here instead.

I don't think anyone will truly know how they will feel after and in the months, years that follow. I had a termination when I was 18 first of all, and I would say even though I knew it was absolutely the right thing to do, as I wasn't with the guy, it took me ages to recover emotionally. Probably until was 24 and had my first child, that I stopped thinking about it everyday. I wasn't upset, depressed everyday! But it crossed my mind quite a bit iykwim. I still sometimes think that I would have a 19 year old now if I hadn't had the termination. For me, it'll always be there, part of my past that I'll never forget but just learn to accept. I found setting myself targets helped, ie, go travelling, do a course etc to focus my mind and to prove that I did the right thing terminating as I wouldn't have been able to do those targets as a single mum. Hope that makes sense. Try not to be too hard on yourself

Oh Bex, I get it. My termination was 2 weeks ago and I know it was the right thing to do but I think about it every single day. I mark the weeks as they go past ... I would have been 11 weeks now (well, 14 weeks if counting from my last period, not conception). Maybe the nausea would have passed by now. Maybe I'd be due a scan picture. maybe maybe it's all maybes. I saw the foetus when I passed it, and I don't know if it was a boy or girl but I named it in my head. I feel empty. I wish I was still pregnant. But I'm also glad I'm not. Ugh. Just .......... Ugh.

Thanks Myermay, I totally get what you mean. It could last a few weeks, it could be something I never stop thinking about. I guess I'll have to try and focus on other things and keep moving forward.

Big hugs to you Clemmers. I totally feel the same right now. I know it was the right thing to do, I don't want to be pregnant right now but I do want to be pregnant as well. I'm glad I have my life back, that I don't have to worry about morning sickness or being careful with what I eat and drink and everything that comes with being pregnant. But at the same time, I keep thinking about what I would call it and cuddling up to that baby smell and watching it grow like I have with my daughter...

I'm thinking of maybe getting a plant that flowers all year round that I can keep inside as like, a memory. To go to when I feel down. Seeing as my partner is useless at talking about it.

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling like this...I know exactly what you mean.

I've posted on many of the threads in this topic under various name changes.. I'm glad this space exists as it's so difficult to speak to people in real life, I find that people think that as it was your choice, you don't deserve to feel sad about it.

For me, the feeling of sadness and regret has never gone away, and my termination was 12 years ago. But the circumstances were different in that I was heavily pressured into it and it didn't feel like a true choice. So it was inevitably going to take me a long time to process.

If you were 100% sure of your decision then with time I think it will be easier to come to terms with.
Counselling has been really helpful for me, I found I couldn't talk to anyone in rl and valued a safe space to talk about it with someone impartial. I like your idea of planting something in memory.

Sorry your Dp is not being very supportive, I think men find it hard to understand as for them it can seem like an abortion 'undoes' the pregnancy and takes the situation back to before it occurred but it is very different for the woman who has been pregnant.

Knowing it was the right thing to do is never, ever separate from feelings sad about what has happened, from having some regrets about the decision, from imagining what have been, from wanting to make some sort of mark or gesture towards what might have been.

It's good that you can understand what you are feeling and that you can acknowledge it. It's healthy to feel how you want to feel, rather than trying to bottle it up.

I agree with GreenFeathers that for some men it can be different, that they see it as a magic reset button rather than a process that needs to be gone through. I don't normally say things like this but I think this is a situation that only women can really understand and sympathise with. My DP was incredibly supportive but I still think there are times where even he sort of imagines it has all just gone away and never really happened.

Do call about counselling if you want to, that's what it is there for. But that's what this board is also here for. We're listening. And nearly every poster on this board has been where you are too, which helps. We understand.

I think the idea of a plant sounds absolutely beautiful. The time wasn't right, the circumstances weren't right, but that doesn't mean you can't remember and have a physical space where you can go and take a moment to think about it all.

Thank you for your replies ladies. I feel a little better today, the severity of the sadness comes and goes. I was very upset all last night. A part of me feels like I don't have a right to grieve. The only reason I lost my child is because I got rid of it. I tried talking to my partner about it but he just kept saying I can't think about things like what it would have looked like and everyone. That's easier said than done though but I guess you're right, for men it's just something at allows them to breathe a huge sigh of relief, a couple of hours at a clinic and it's all over. It feels strange mourning something that only isn't here because of me, that's the only way I can look at it right now. I had a look for plants and pink butterfly orchids flower all year round so I might get one of them. Butterfly seems fitting for a baby that grew its wings. I know deep down I should stop punishing myself but at the moment I'm finding it really difficult :(

You do have a right to grieve for what might have been. It is a sad situation which I don't think any woman takes lightly.

Though you made the decision to end the pregnancy that doesn't mean there aren't many complex emotions and feelings tied up with it. I saw your earlier thread and it clearly was a decision over which you took lots of time and thought.

Also, don't underestimate the time it takes for your body to adjust to not being pregnant - the big drop in hormone levels will probably have a big impact on how you feel at the moment, magnifying emotions and making things doubly hard.

I totally get you too. I've been where you are and have posted on this board many times (although under different names like a pp). I'm so pleased this board exists. The sheer volume of threads prove it's a greatly needed space.

I felt incredible guilt about my abortion. I was swaying over what to do for a long time. In the end i think i took the pill just to shut down all the stress. But of course it didn't do that; it just opened the floodgates to a whole heap of new and powerful emotions. Grief. I've never known grief like it. Guilt. Disbelief. Remorse. Regret. Hate.

I will never, ever, forget or get over it. It will remain my biggest regret.

The butterfly orchid sounds lovely. I may steal that idea from you.

I'm glad you're having a better day today.

Duck, I totally identify with all of those emotions. And for just going through with it in the end to stop the stressful situation of the unplanned pregnancy..

I wish people were more honest about the emotional fallout which it seems so many women face. i think it's perceived as being anti choice to discuss the negatives too much.

Anyway sorry don't mean to hijack your thread op. Hope you're doing ok today.

Thanks again for your replies ladies. I'm feeling a little better today, the sadness tends to come and go. I'm trying to distract myself by doing other things but it's hard sometimes as I will often find myself with too much thinking time, especially at night.

It's strange because I don't regret it. It sounds awful but I was relieved to have my life back. We weren't ready, I mean my partner couldn't even talk about the fact I was pregnant, it was like a taboo thing. If he couldn't even bring himself to talk about it then I doubt he would have been on the right maturity level to become a parent. And I have a lot of stuff going on at the moment myself which just wouldn't be suitable to bring a baby into. I know deep down I did the right thing for me and my family. But I just see other people's babies and get sad. I read about what my foetal development would be at what week I would be now if I were still pregnant. My biggest thing is wondering what gender it was. I have a daughter and always wanted a son, when I found out I was pregnant right up until the abortion, I just had this really strong feeling it was a boy. I feel like if I'd at least know the gender, I could maybe have named it in my head so it felt more real, so I would be able to grieve properly for a person who had a name.

I had my abortion just before I was 14 weeks, I did the stupid thing of looking to see what the development is like at 14 weeks and seeing the images of what looks like a proper human being, seeing that it was developing things like fingerprints etc made me even more sad. It wasn't just a load of cells or a little dot embryo that I killed, it was a human being that looked like a proper baby. I don't think that for as long as I live, even if the sadness does fade off, that I will ever be able to stop thinking about that fact :(

Bexicle my termination was around 13 weeks... And like you, I have spent hours torturing myself by looking at pictures of foetuses of that age. Really wish I hadn't. Sometimes ignorance is better.

I have thought in the past of requesting a copy of my notes from the clinic as they would contain an ultrasound image. I don't know whether that would be helpful or more upsetting though.

How are things with your Dp now?

Can you do that? I was considering asking if I could have a copy of my notes and the scan picture but I didn't know if it was possible to do so. If I could, I would like to do that although I know it's a risky move. It could give me the closure I need to deal with my emotions, then again it could make me feel worse.

Me and Dp are okay, I did try to talk to him over text the other night but it's just hard because he doesn't understand that there is a grieving process. He didn't have to go through the horrific first trimester feeling sick and tired and having a huge bloated belly and massive sore boobs, he didn't have to sit in two consultations and explain to people why getting rid of my baby was the best thing to do, he didn't have to sit in that side room in a hospital gown with a bunch of other girls, in silence with all these thoughts going round in his head, waking up in a ward to know that you've just had a living thing removed from you that you've nurtured and grown inside you for weeks and weeks. So I do understand that he doesn't really get my feelings now. We haven't spoken about it since the other night. I'm one of those people that is good at hiding my emotions and I can be happy and smiley when deep down I feel just so so awful.

I don't think men can ever really understand, they can try but unless you've been in that situation it's very hard. My termination was about 14 weeks and that doesn't sit well with me at all, I had a scan picture too but it didn't make it any easier to be honest.

What you said about a woman's instinct to mourn her baby? Of course 100%, but in some ways it feels even worse as you don't feel like you have a right to grieve? But you do, we all do - we made the best decision we could at the time and we don't deserve to feel so bad about it.

I think the feelings will get easier for you, it will always be there of course as it's part of your history, but it won't be as painful

I'm pretty sure you can as you can request any records held about you now. In my case it could be harder as it was 10+years ago but as it was so recent for you I would think it would be easily done.

No, your dp probably doesn't get it.. As I said before I just don't think that many men do understand. Maybe the scan photo would help make it feel more real to him too..
I really don't know if it's a good idea or not. I think it could be more painful to see personally but everyone reacts differently of course...

I know you said you didnt want counselling but it could really help you to process things now. I wish so much I had started counselling soon afterwards instead of burying my feelings and going into self destruct mode for years..

Urgh it's such a horrible thing to go through.

I went for a counselling session yesterday, and it was good to be able to talk freely, without a filter. My big problem is feeling like I don't have the right to grieve. Nothing was taken from me, I let it go. That decision was mine.

She was so lovely, and likened it to PTSD. You have to make this incredibly hard decision, then follow it through. But it doesn't end there, because then you have to deal with the aftermath in your head. And nobody knows what you're going through because you filter your words so as not to upset others (at least that's what I've been doing). You walk around doing and saying normal things but your head is screaming with grief .

Yes exactly, it's not being able to speak to anyone about it which makes it so hard to grieve. It's still so taboo and also people don't think you'll be upset about it as it was your choice. I used to think that before it happened to me.

I think that's part of the problem, not being able to talk about it or feeling like I can't. Plus having the feeling of if I do talk to someone, they'll just say well you brought it on yourself, it was your choice to get rid of it. Last night I was watching the TV with my partner and he just happened to absent mindedly put his hand on my stomach. I automatically felt this wave of sadness, like how can he put his hand here and not feel guilty about what happened, it was just as much his baby as it was mine. We created a life, he had a child... It just upsets me that he doesn't see it that way, he saw the baby as a problem that he wanted to get rid of and not a tiny human that was part of him :(

In regards to the medical notes, I've been thinking and I think I'm going to write to the clinic and see what they say. Silly question but on the notes or scan photo, would it say anywhere what gender the baby was? That's one of the things I feel like I need to know in order to feel able to move forward.

I don't know if it would say or not but I guess it can't hurt to ask. It is something I have always wondered too. Keep talking to us on here if it helps, this forum has been a great support to me

I don't think it would say..but you could ask.

You might be surprised though about talking to people... I am a very private person but the few people I have opened up to about it have been incredibly understanding and kind.. And I have found out that other women have been through it but due to the fact no one talks about it, no one knew.

How are you doing now OP?