I really need help working out the best solution

[KeepCalmAndCarryOn111]

I am probably going to get slated but here goes.

Married, 2 DCs aged 13 and 8. Just found out that I am pregnant. I have been playing with the idea of the 3rd so wasn't careful with contraception.

Have to say straight away that termination is an option for me. I had one before and felt a relief afterwards. But I am at a loss as to what to do now. Our house is a 3-bed, the older DCs are opposite sex so could not either share a room between each other nor let a baby in. DH is useless at DYI and would not be dealing with any extension. So it would be down to me to organise. We do have a loft but our kitchen is tiny, we only have one bathroom. We don't even have a dishwasher (no space to fit it in) and I hate doing the dishes.

Both DC are in private schools, the older one got in one of the best senior schools in the country. I would be loathe to deprive them of that but currently we don't have much disposable income. Both DH and I work full-time and commute. So baby would require an expensive South-East childcare which I have no idea how we are going to pay for. We are just about coping with school runs (don't have a nanny or AP) and I was looking forward to the time when the older DC will travel to school on his own. But with the new baby I will have to figure it out again.

Lastly, as much as I love my DC, I would honestly not call myself a good mother. I know my DC love me but I feel guilty about spending too little time with them, I don't enjoy many of their activities and sometimes prefer to just read a book and they busy themselves. They do have lots of activities apart from school so life is manic for me and DH even on weekends.

We are mid to late 30s.

I know I would cope if I have the baby - I mean, there will be no other option but cope. But I just wonder whether it's worth it if termination is acceptable to me, iyswim. I sound horrible.

Given all that you say, what made you think of trying for a third in the first place?

You don't sound horrible. But with everything you've said above l think you know what you want to do. Sometimes Mother Nature can be cruel in that she makes our bodies want another baby when it's not really the best thing for us.

ImperialBlether I wasn't trying for a baby. I once let DH ejaculate inside me on the last day on my previous period. I assumed it was safe. Apparently it wasn't. When I said that I wasn't careful I meant that I could have taken a MAP but didn't.

DinkyDye but I am reasonably well-off, I have a stable job, I own my own home, I am married. I don't really have a valid reason for not wanting a baby. Especially considering that I probably wanted it to happen (otherwise would have taken the pill).

I am so confused. This could be my last baby ever. DH would be thrilled, I know that, and so would DC (well, they don't know yet how it would change their lives but they welcome the idea of a younger sibling).

I feel selfish and wanting to make a life easier for me.

On the other hand, recently I have been feeling sort of stuck. Like - is that all there is? That's my life mapped out? Maybe I needed this change.

It's like I have all these solutions, I just need to figure out what is really the best for me and my existing family. And for the baby.

You don't sound horrible and you don't need to justify your feelings to anyone. Only you can decide what's best for your family and your mind. My only advice is to take some time, and consider both options thoroughly. Discuss your thoughts and fears with your DH. And don't beat yourself up. Mistakes can and do happen at any age

Clemmers I already told DH that I missed my period and was scared. Didn't say that I was definitely pregnant. He looked very happy, said we would convert the loft and answered "will cope" to every one of my subsequent questions. He has been a great father, always helping a lot with the children, so I am sure he will help again.

It's the practicalities hat bother me a lot, like the house size, the need for a big building work which DH will NOT be doing because he never has before. And money of course. And how to integrate a baby in our established routine of school runs. And how the baby would take all the remaining down time I had left. And I will have to go through the whole thing again - the baby stage, the toddler stage, finding the nursery, finding the school. It terrifies me. I just don't want to do it again, I've done my bit already with the other two.

I would take maternity leave but will need to find childcare and an extra £1000+ per month to pay for it. Not to mention a 6-month old baby being placed in full-time nursery.

On the other hand, it's not like I would be giving up something very important to have this baby. I mean, my career is on the up, I will still have my job to come back to. And my older DC don't need private schools, it's a luxury. And it's not like I will be doing something very meaningful instead if I choose not to have the baby.

And the most annoying thing is when I am writing all of this, the persistent thought is "so what"? It's like all of this doesn't matter. And we will cope like DH says. With the small small house, with an extra hassle and expenses.

We lived in dreadful conditions when DC1 was born and when we had DC2 we rented a 1-bed ex-council flat and lived there, the four of us. And were happy and content. And no one died from the lack of space or money.

DH would not agree to termination. I would need to lie to him that I wasn't actually pregnant.

Op, this could've been me writing this post 4 months ago. All those things you mention are what made me panic when I found out I was pg. I even have kids your children's ages, 3 bed house etc, I have been toying with the idea of a 3rd for years also.

You need to take your time, sounds like one side of your head saying one thing and the other saying something else. Please try hard to not tell too many people, the more people who become involved makes it harder as people mean well but give their opinion - other people's opinion don't matter in this decision.

The reasons you've listed are valid to you, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I think once you tell your husband then you can decide together. Don't be too hard on yourself x

myermay1, were you in the same situation then? What did you do, if you don't mind my asking?

Keepcalm firstly I hope you're okay. Sounds like your thoughts are racing at a hundred times an hour. I agree with other poster try not to tell too many people. Before my termination I told so many people and all it did was confuse me further and then further my guilt when they knew what I did.

One thing you need to do is give yourself time and process things. You don't need to have a valid excuse for not wanting the baby and you don't need to justify your actions to anyone but yourself. Maybe don't tell your husband until you have decided what you want to do.

Keep calm, yes same situation - only difference is that my kids don't got to private school and that my husband was not keen either.

So, I have previously had a termination also but when I was a teenager. I swore I never would again, not that I am against obviously, it's just not something that you ever expect to go through again.

I panicked, I was in total shock to find out I was pregnant. I worried about everything, that I woiodnt be able to work, would struggle to pay for existing kids clubs, holidays, our lifestyle wld change etc etc. I decided to have a medical termination, I just wanted it over as quickly as possible. I felt that by having the medical pill that it wasn't like the surgical operation, almost like the morning after pill and that I'd be fine. It wasn't ok for me I ended up having retained tissue and got put under the care of the EPU at the local hospital, endless internal scans, 3 lots of repeat medication, blood tests and then 10 wks later finally I had to have a general anesthetic and everything removed. It's been the worst time of my life, and now I regret it. Who knows if I didn't have all those problems afterwards if I'd feel the same, I don't know.

Only you can make the choice. Was your previous termination with your husband? For me, I can't believe that we made that choice, given how much I had previously been wanting number 3, that everything would've been ok long run, but I'm beating myself up a lot right now :(

Please speak to your husband, tell him all your worries, I truly don't think you can not tell him, you'll have to live with that secret forever and it may eat you up inside. I would've been broken without my husbands support.

Good luck and sorry you are having to make this choice

I have posted my story on here. I regret my termination (with #4) as I now think I could have coped. It was DH's reaction that really got me. He was dead against it. I am exactly like Myermay1. Totally regret it and can't believe I did it.
I think if you have hubby's support and feel ok about it then you should keep the baby. The emotional fallout has been horrible for meZ.

Thank you very much for all your responses. Please do keep writing, it helps a lot just reading other people's thought.

I had a termination in the past, within 10 days from discovering I was pregnant. So I didn't think about it, I just knew that I was not going ahead with pregnancy. I did get quite emotional during the doctor's visits but otherwise my choice was clear. I had surgical abortion (vacuum aspiration) which was painless and very quick. I felt relieved after that and didn't have any remorse so it must have been the right choice.

It feels different this time. I have to add that I was unsure with both my previous pregnancies, and agonising, and cursing myself for wanting to fall pregnant. But once I had my DCs I felt happy.

Their childhoods were a bliss. I felt truly lucky to have such fond memories of it, I could never honestly share all those stories of new mums of how tired they were, how pre-occupied, etc. If I ever felt tired it was from work, not because of the children.

I feel that I was lucky twice, I don't want to consciously mess up my life now.

I am dreading all the practical things. Realistically, we don't even have a place to put a crib right now, unless in the middle of the living room. Not to mention the pushchair, all the other bulky baby things.

What am I even thinking???

So, I think yesterday I came to the conclusion that keeping the pregnancy would not be a viable solution. I did a lot of research and today in the morning stopped at Holland and Barret on my way to work and bought a whole bag of stuff to try induce natural miscarriage (I should only about 5 weeks gone at most). I felt confident and positive.

Getting back into my car, I cried all the way to my workplace thinking that I don't want to do it to this baby. I felt exactly the same with my first DC, in fact, the whole is very similar. That f**k it all, this child deserves as much a chance as my other two DC.

The older DC is very soon to be a teenager, a couple of years later same will happen to my younger DC. I want a boy. I feel I missed so much of my son's life because I was working all the time and was generally too young to enjoy having him.

What is going on with me???

I think you have to talk to your husband... that would be the way forward. Keeping this secret will likely drive a wedge between you, especially because you sound a little bit conflicted, at least from what you wrote this morning.

My heart goes out to you.

If your reasons for terminating are financial/practical, I'd say that this can work itself out, it usually does.

If your reasons for keeping the baby are a general feeling of what to do with your life then you may find that the baby won't be an answer to this.

I was in a similar situation and kept the baby and everything worked itself out. You are "lucky" in a way that your DH sounds supportive.

I think terminations are easiest if the pregnancy has been a real accident and comes totally out of the blue. I don't see this in your case and I think this may be the reason you may be struggling a little with the idea.

Marie stopes etc have great counselling for this. You should talk to them.