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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Help long story

9 replies

Hellen77 · 18/04/2015 03:33

Hi ladies really looking for some support and advice

I am 37 and husband is 42. We have three beautiful kids 7, 4 and 2.

I have always always wanted a fourth child and have been debating (strongly) with my hubby over it for last two years. He has always said no for practical reasons (money time holidays etc).

Well during February I knew I was ovulating and I said to him that this is my last chance to have a baby before I turn 38. Can we try once please and then if it doesn't happen I will give away baby stuff and quit bugging you.

So we tried .... Unprotected sex once...

Well low and behold we end up pregnant.

Husband is furious - says he absolutely never ever wanted another child and only agreed to try that once because I had been bugging him. I said he should have got a vasectomy etc ect.

Anyway the next four weeks are a living hell for me. I am sick and depressed (first trimester Blues) he is being completely awful to me, refusing to talk, saying how ridiculous is it we are having a fourth child. How will we cope how will we give kids attention etc worried about four lots of school fees (money is not a huge problem for us but he always dramatises it). We wouldn't have holidays etc ect

So I am convinced I Am at fault I convince myself it is all my fault for begging him for two years (which I guess in hindsight was very stupid)

Fast foreward ... I had an abortion last week at 8 weeks.

I am a competely broken soul. I cannot believe I did this. All the logical reasons I had convinced myself it was a good idea seem ridiculously small now and all I can think about is that I should have been stronger and pushed through. We could have made it work. I feel myself spiralling into depression. I am eating very unhealthily and have already put on 5 pounds. And crying a lot.

I guess my question is - if I could somehow convince him to let me conceive again (long shot) would it help me? Has anyone else done that?

I read somewhere that during abortion and miscarriage that it is just the body that dies and that the baby's soul is still waiting for the right time. This gives me hope that maybe my little baby would still be waiting for me.

Thanks for listening everyone
I feel so alone so broken.

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Bexicle22 · 18/04/2015 09:32

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time after your abortion. It was unfair of your husband to let you try one last time when he had no intention of having another baby with you. It sounds like he is dead set against any more children. If he can get you pregnant and still make you terminate, I would say that it's unlikely you'll be able to convince him again. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is, I personally don't think trying for another baby is the way to go. I think you would benefit more trying to deal with your grief instead of trying to mask it with something else. Have you tried counselling? There are helplines and people to talk to available for those going through a hard time post-abortion. Maybe think of it this way, this time round your husband led you to believe that there was a chance you could have another child. Once you'd conceived, he didn't want it. What if that were to happen again? Could you go through another abortion? Just remember you have three other children who need their mum. When I had my abortion, I did it knowing it was 100% the right thing for me. I've not had any regret since and so I can only imagine the grief you're going through having terminated a baby that was wanted. I would definitely look into counselling and hopefully you can talk about everything that perhaps you feel you can't talk to your husband about. Good luck x

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DuckChowMein · 18/04/2015 10:06

Oh Hellen Sad my heart broke reading your story.

I've been there. I got unexpectedly pregnant with our third. I didn't want another baby but neither did i want an abortion. Dh adamantly didn't want it. We had lots of arguments. Very emotional time. I ended up having an abortion around 7 weeks and my world came crashing down.

Dh and i talked, he could see how devastated i was. Once the pressure was off we could see clearly and decided we'd be able to get over the practical problems. We dtd once post abortion and i conceived. We now have a beautiful baby.

BUT having a baby hasn't eased any of the feelings i had about the termination. I will always feel remorseful about the pregnancy that i ended. That sadness will never leave.

I don't think trying to convince your dh to try again is a good idea. He behaved terribly and who can say that he won't do that again? However, i know all too well what that longing for a baby feels like and i really feel for you. I hope he's acknowledged the hurt you've been through. If he really doesn't want anymore children he really needs to use contraception or have a vasectomy. It's not acceptable to agree to give it a go only for him to behave so badly if you happen to conceive.

I agree that you should look into counselling. I still intend to do this myself. It can really help to talk to someone.

I'm so sorry for you Thanks

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GreenFeathers · 18/04/2015 17:03

I'm so sorry.
Your husband has behaved in a really unfeeling way. I don't think men understand the massive implications of a termination for a women especially when she doesn't want one.. I think for them it just 'undoes' the fact that the pregnancy ever existed but for us it is so much deeper than that.

I too was pressured into a termination when i was 18 (by my parents). I have regretted it ever since and it is more than a decade ago now. And I always thought that having another baby would 'cure' me of the intense emotional pain. But I have had 2dc since and plan to have 1 more and to be honest having babies has not helped me to get over it at all. As in my mind it would never be 'that' baby again.

I would second getting some counselling, I did years later and it helped, even just to vent to someone impartial can be really helpful. There are organisations which specialise in post abortion counselling.

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GreenFeathers · 18/04/2015 17:06

Also you were not stupid to ask your husband for another baby... If he was so against the idea he should have refused to have unprotected sex with you when he knew you might conceive Sad

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Hellen77 · 18/04/2015 19:51

Thank you so much ladies. Your kindness means so much to me. I think counselling is a great idea and perhaps some meds.

I am firmly of the belief that my little baby's soul is still waiting up there to come to me. That is why I guess I thiught getting pregnant would help. I believe it would still be him/her just coming down when the timing is better.

Anyway honestly I wish I had have done more research or had some counselling prior to my abortion. If I had have known the massive toll it takes I would never ever in a million years done this.

Sadly I texted one of my best friends about this this evening - she lives in a different country - and I had no idea that she has been through the EXACT same thing two years ago but told no one. Terminating her fourth child because her husband wasn't onboard. I can't believe it. Isn't it sad that this is such a taboo topic that we can't really talk about it and we keep it a secret so no one really knows each other's suffering. It has made me feel like less of a monster because my friend is the most beautiful loving caring mother and person that If she could do the same as me then maybe I wasn't crazy doing this to protect my family.

Thank you again ladies. Love to you all.

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DuckChowMein · 18/04/2015 21:43

It is really sad that it's something that's so shrouded in secrecy. It's something that so many women go through but so few talk about.

I like the idea of the soul waiting too. I like to hang onto that in my darkest moments.

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Bexicle22 · 18/04/2015 21:50

Only my partner and my best friend knew I went for the abortion. None of my other friends or family knows and I don't ever intend on telling them. I think it's sad that it's so taboo because a lot of women do need help dealing with it afterwards but feel they have nobody to talk to but there are professionals there to help when you can't speak to your loved ones.

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Clemmers · 18/04/2015 21:59

Hi Hellen, I'm so glad you took my advice and came over to this forum. I found the ladies here to be a real source of strength and support, and I know you will too.

Faye xx

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DuckChowMein · 25/04/2015 07:53

How are you doing) Hellen? I've been thinking about you. I hope you're okay.

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