in need of advice

[holdmybeer]

I've just found out I'm around 4 weeks pregnant with an unplanned and unwanted by me pregnancy.

I haven't told dp yet as I know he will want me to continue the pregnancy and I just don't think I can.

Dp and I don't live together I have a 3 year old with stbxh and am in the middle of getting divorced.

I know that emotionally and financially I cannot cope with this pregnancy but I'm worried that dp will try to talk me round.

Would I be very selfish if I terminated the pregnancy without telling dp?

The decision is yours and yours alone.

What's your relationship like with dp? Why do you think he'll try to convince you to continue?

I don't think it would be healthy for your relationship to go ahead without him knowing but at the end of the day it's your decision.

Sorry you're in this position

Hi OP, I have to agree with the above. I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant, and my partner and I don't live together. He's been my absolute rock, and we have been each other's sounding board. We made the decision to terminate together. Yes it's your body, but it's also his baby too. He deserves to know what you are going through, and how you feel about it.

Much love to you xx

This is such a tricky one.

Firstly, you sound quite sure you'd prefer to terminate, but have you taken a day or two to let it sink in? Fwiw I do think that you should put a lot by your gut reaction on finding out you are pregnant, but it does help to stop and think a little bit and take a day or so to be sure.

If you are sure you are not in an emotional or financial place to have another child then it is more your decision than his, far, far more - your body, your baby. So while I would never argue that a decent man should have his wishes ignored, it is still the woman's decision at the end of the day. So if you want a termination, then you have a termination.

Having said that, if he is a decent man, it seems slightly wrong to never tell him about this pregnancy. And can I ask what makes you so sure he will try to talk you round? IMO there is a big difference between knowing a man would prefer to have the child, and thinking a man will try to some way manipulate you (consciously or unconsciously) into having a baby you don't want.

If it is the former, are you certain that he won't respect your decision?

If it is the latter, would that make you reconsider your decision to be with him?

I kept my termination secret at the time from pretty much everyone. Even though I was 100% certain and DP was too, it was still an emotional time for both of us and I can't imagine trying to keep that emotion (hormonal, tired, all that) secret from him. I also have a very old, close friend who I haven't told and honestly, the amount of times I have almost said something by accident. It would be a very big secret to keep from someone you see a lot.

The termination, if you want it, is entirely your choice. But on the balance of things, I would say that not talking to him would be a big problem.

I agree with everything Thurlow has said.

It is difficult to keep it a secret. I never told my mum but as Thurlow said, it's nearly slipped out countless times. It would take a huge amount of effort on your part never to say anything.

I hope, if your dp is a good man, he would support you even if termination wasn't his choice. I do think he does deserve to know about it.

I wouldn't advocate keeping something like this a secret from a partner unless telling them would compromise the woman's safety.

Tough situation but if your partner loves you, he will respect the fact that you aren't ready. At the end of the day, it's your body and you can do what you feel is right for you but I wouldn't terminate without telling him. I had a termination on Friday and the stress of keeping it a secret from my family was incredible. I was having to make excuses as to why I had an all day hospital appointment, why I was needing to get someone to watch my daughter when I went to the clinic for the procedure. I managed to come up with enough white lies to get by but I couldn't have kept it from my partner, I would have cracked. If your dp knows you well, he will be able to tell something is wrong. Be honest, I'm sure he will be supportive. It's better to be open than risk him finding out you went behind his back.

Thanks for the responses.
I know part of what I am feeling is fear that I will be left as a single parent with 2 children and I would not cope with that.

I've been a bit shakey about the relationship with dp over the last few weeks. He wanted us to move in together but doesn't want to move in with me as my home is too small (in reality it is ) and wants me to move away from the village I live in where my friends and support network are and with great schools to a nearby town I left when dc was born due to lack of all of the above! If I continue with this pregnancy I will have little choice as I simply do not have room for another child.

Both of us are struggling financially at the moment and I wouldn't be able to claim tax credits if we moved in together leaving me £4-500pm downfrom my current position.

He desperately wants to start a family and one of his close friends has confided this weekend that he's to become a father (also very early days). I feel that if I tell him about the pregnancy it will break him if I choose that I still want to terminate the pregnancy. Especially now I know his friend will have a child around that same time. He'll constantly be watching that child grow up and wondering...

Do you have a gut feeling, holdmybeer - if you take out the house size and the finances (as much as that's possible, though I know it is all tied together) - do you have gut feeling that says yes or no for this pregnancy?

It does sound as though you and your DP are in different places in life right now. How long have you been together? I can completely understand why, with a 3yo and in the middle of the divorce, you don't feel ready to settle down and think about having another child yet. Do you think he really understands this?

It is a truly horrible situation and I feel for you so much. But I do think, being completely honest, that you need to tell him and need to explain that you just aren't ready to have another child yet (if that is what you decide) and then you have to accept what pans out afterwards

I've told him. His initial reaction was 'I don't want a baby if you're not ready' but then the news sank in and he is devastated

We're mid 30's, he doesn't have children and he's scared that this could be his only chance. (I remeber feeling like that after miscarries before dc. I was so scared that was as close as I was ever going to get.) However, I remained adamant that the timing isn't right and that I couldn't go through with it.

Then I told dm. She made me realise that 90% of my fears were about practical problems that can be overcome. For example, I'm not sure I want to move to my partners home and fear that going ahead with the pregnancy would leave me with little choice. She calmly pointed out that I don't have to do anything just because I am pregnant and that a newborn would be in with me for the first 6 months so I've got time to deal with all the practical stuff and that she would fully support me if we went ahead.

I spoke to my partner and explained that as long as he understands that our family is unique and that I will make some decisions he's not going to be keen on (like possibly not living together for a while) I want to continue with the pregnancy.

hugs Sounds to me like you were thinking with your head before, and imagining yourself all alone... when in fact you've got the support all around you that you need. You, and your family, are very lucky.

Hope it all works out for you OP - and congratulations!!

Congratulations It sounds like you've got a good support network which is a great starting point.

It's easy to want to shy away from telling him but imagine if he found out? How hurt would he feel? It's a life you've created together and it's probably a decision that should also be made together x