How do you move on?

[FrostedMarshmallow]

How do you move on from a termination?

It is consuming me. I feel like I am just putting on a brave face and the minute I try to address whats happened I break down straight away. I just cry, doesnt matter where, i could be alone and im howling away. That's not me, either.

6 years ago, I was having my first miscarriage and I would have never in a million years thought I would have done what I done last month. 6-year-ago-me would have hated me now.

I never knew the sadness. I thought I was sad when I had miscarriages but I knew I could try again right away, that there was hope. I ended up having two little girls, one who has special needs and was a factor in the choice I made last month.

Now? I feel like everything in life is tarnished. I feel dirty. I find myself more and more looking forward to a few years time where we can discuss TTC if we can and our circumstances allow us to. Its an "if" not a definate. It feels like the only way I can slightly heal from this, but even then, I feel undeserving.

Please, if anyone can help talk some sense into me please help.

You don't need 'talking sense in to you' - you need love and time and support to recover

I am sure you made a considered decision and had reasons why you decided as you did - I hope you were not coerced or persuaded to terminate or put under any kind of pressure which made the decision less yours and yours alone?

Please look after yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling just now and consider seeking some professional and skilled counselling - have you been offered any follow-up?

Oh, Frosted

It sounds like you had a very, very big decision to make in very difficult circumstances.

You do not need someone to talk sense to you. You are not undeserving.

You made a decision that seemed like the right decision for everyone in your family. Reading between the lines of your OP, you made a decision because you felt that it wasn't right to have a baby at the moment, because that wouldn't be what was the right thing for everyone in your family.

Sometimes, sadly, we end up in situations where there just aren't any 'rights' and you have to make a choice between two very difficult and upsetting decisions. You have been through a situation which is just horrible, no ifs and buts about it. You don't have to feel ok about it. You don't have to not feel upset about it. Everything you are feeling right now is perfectly normal.

And you are allowed to feel it. You are allowed to grieve for this baby. You can feels its loss even if you made a conscious decision not to go through with the pregnancy.

Counselling sounds like such a get out but yes, please, can you call Marie Stopes or BPAS or whoever you used and ask to talk to someone?

But please, please be kind to yourself. It really is ok to feel how you are feeling.

I hope you're ok frosted. I remember the grief all too well; it was the strongest emotional pain I've ever experienced. I really hated myself too and I didn't even recognise the person it turned me into.

I understand what you say about it being all consuming too. Can your doctor put you forward to see a private counsellor? I had telephone appointments with mine and it was extremely helpful to have someone to talk to.

Remember you're still early days too in terms of emotional recovery. Keep yourself busy if you can, anything to distract yourself even for 30 mins like a walk or a swim. It will get easier I promise you that

I think the most difficult thing was the idea of stopped the progesterone (is that the first tablet?) It was by far the most harrowing thing emotionally as i had to take progesterone to help my second daughter go to term(my first was extremely prem). I sat in the same rooms as i had with my previous pregnancies. To me, keeping my pregnancies to as far as we could go was everything so this went against all that.

I knew i was doing the "right" thing for my family, i was never forced, i was more or less left to decide because my OH knows if i can make things work, I will. But this wasnt something I could make work. I think thats generally my problem, if something goes wrong i try to make it right or make the best of it but this was the one thing in life I could never make right.

It feels wrong to have fun at my fitness class. Because I know had i been pregnant i wouldnt have been allowed there (policy). Being there feels wrong.

Ive been supporting my friend in her pregnancy and whilst i had the procedure she was at maternity appointments next door :( it sbeen hard!

Some things cannot be 'fixed' and you were strong enough to make a very difficult, but 'right' decision for you and your family
The incongruous overlap with your previous pregnancies was a bit unnecessarily cruel - you poor thing.

Do allow yourself to have (unrelated) fun. You are allowed to find things enjoyable even while still grieving. Nurture yourself a bit and allow yourself space and peace and light.

Thinking of you.