Termination regret

[targaryen]

Posted this is bereavement but realise that's the wrong place.

I had a termination nearly 12 years ago and feel more guilty and sad about this now than I did at the time.
At the time I had been with my husband (then partner) for 3 years and I already had a little girl from a previous relationship.
I had just started a course at uni and felt it wasn't the right time to carry on with a pregnancy.
Myself and husband have went on to have 2 further children but I just feel so guilty and sad about my choice and wish I could go back and have our child.

I don't know how to forgive myself let it go.

Oh you poor thing. Have you had any counselling? I think you need to forgive yourself and accept you can't go back.
I really really feel for you.

My post sounds so stupid. You know that, you just don't know how to do it.
Counselling could really help you come to terms with it.

Sorry you're experiencing this . It's understandable that, given how your life has moved on, you look back and wonder if it was the right decision. However, it sounds as if you had lots of good reasons for not continuing with that pregnancy, and if you had done, life might now be completely different to how it is now. For example, was your relationship with your DP at the time strong enough to support an unplanned pregnancy? Do you think you would have been able to carry on with your course, or would it all have been too much? Would you have gone on to have your other 2 children, or would that maybe not have happened? I think its easy to look back and imagine that everything would have been fine, but realistically its unlikely you would have made the decision (or even considered it) without good reason. The fact that you feel worse now suggests that at the time you knew it was the right decision, but that you've forgotten some of the reasons as time has gone on?
I agree that a few sessions of counselling could help you to move on with your life as it is xx

I've never had counselling, do you think that's something I could do even though it was nearly 12 years ago.
I think what's really triggering these feelings just now is that my 2nd and 3rd child have the age gap that my eldest girl would of have had with her sibling had I went ahead.
I find it heartbreaking thinking of sibling she should of had.
Your post is lovely, thank you

Never too late for counselling. I would find somewhere private rather than through NHS as in my experience they leave alot to be desired. My counsellor did CBT with me and it was so helpful (different circumstances)
you need someone to help you come to terms with it .

Thank you InternetForever.
At the time it definitely didn't feel right end I don't know if I would of been able to carry on with course with a young daughter and little baby. I now feel it all would of worked out because it did but at the time I felt it would he wrong. I was worried that I would be left on my own with 2 children and worried if I had to drop out of my course I would of resented my partner.

Now that we have been together for 15 years and have children I feel we would of made of work but I suppose I will never know.
I'm going to look into counselling.

Much abortion is more recent but i feel the same as you. I went on to conceive very quickly afterwards and now have a beautiful little boy but it didn't take away the guilt and.sadness about the abortion.

Sorry I'm not offering any advice. The counselling is a good idea i think. It's something i should look into as i didn't have any at the time. I don't think it matters whether the abortion was 12 months ago or 12 years ago. If there are still unresolved feelings then counselling can only help.

Sorry for the typos. This phone drives me mad. I hope you can decipher it.

Thank you PurpleFeathers, yep managed to understand and thank you. Sorry you are also feeling sad about your decision.
I think what's really triggering these feelings is that my son and baby have the same age gap as what my daughter and the baby I didn't have would if had.
Seeing my son interacting with the baby fills me with so much sadness that I denied my daughter this close relationship with a younger sibling.
I just can't seem to stop thinking if the what ifs and wishing I could go back and tell myself it would be ok.

Just realised I'd already said all this!
I'm very sleep deprived just now ??

you made the decision that was right for you at the time. You have to stop torturing yourself about it. It makes you feel shit. You cant change the past, and if you could, it wouldnt have necessarily been the right decision anyway. Just be gentle with yourself and please try and let go, for your own sake. You didnt and dont owe things like that to your children.

I had a termination 21 years ago. Im not saying I never think about it, but all youre doing is trying to punish yourself and its completely futile.

I just want to echo what Branleuse says.

I do feel hugely for you, OP, and it is a big, and good step, starting to talk about it. It's perfectly understandable that you feel sad about it. Hindsight changes everything, and it puts decisions that you made a long time ago into a whole different light.

I know this might sound unsympathetic, and I really don't mean it to be, but: I just can't seem to stop thinking if the what ifs and wishing I could go back and tell myself it would be ok.

Do you have a time machine? Though if you do, I'd like to borrow it!

I have these conversations with my OH all the time, as he is one to dwell on things that he could have or should have done. But as much as we would like it to, unfortunately we just can't go back and change things and so, when it really boils down to it, thinking about what should have happened doesn't achieve anything. It's like the concept that 'comparison is the thief of joy', only instead of wishing you had a house like your friend has, you are wishing you can change the past.

The strangest things can make us suddenly become very upset about things in the past. I know what I said above it very simplistic, because termination regret is also about grieving for what could have been, and grief is certainly not something you can shake yourself out of.

I'd also recommend counselling at the moment. You have beautiful DC and, most importantly, you made the decision that you felt you had to 12 years ago. No one has a crystal ball that can tell you how things will work out, so we can only make decisions based on the facts and feelings in front of us at that time. But talking to someone experienced might really help you to put these feelings aside and not let them affect your day to day life with your DC (not to ignore them; these things are part of us and we should never try to just ignore them).

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, I really don't mean to be. for you for feeling so down about it at the moment.

Thank you Branleus and Thurlow
I think this is how I need to think. I can't go back and hindsight is wonderful but none of us have the luxury of hindsight when making our decisions.
It was the right decision at the time and all the berating myself isn't going to change anything.

How are you feeling today, targaryen?

Thanks for asking Thurlow.
Doing ok, trying to stop dwelling on what's past and appreciate what I have now.

big hugs to you xx

I agree with having counselling and maybe talking it through with other women who have had the same experience. Most of us have regrets in life and wish we could have done things differently.

That's true about regrets. Most people do have regrets about choices we've made butter some of us zone in more on abortion. Probably because we've absorbed so many negative things about it. There's so much emotion and opinion surrounding abortion.

When i think about it I've made a few bad choices in life. Some that have hurt me and some that have hurt others. The abortion is the only one i continue to punish myself for.