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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I found out my daughter had an abortion.

57 replies

figray · 15/12/2014 10:01

I posted last year that my daughter who was 19 at the time was pregnant. Well it is unbelievable what happened after that, a few days later she told me it was a false alarm and her period had started. Like a fool I believed her and thought that was the end of it.
It wasn't as I later found out she had been pregnant all along and had an abortion without anyone knowing except for her and her boyfriend. This all came out when they had a fall out this year.
The thing is I am so angry and sad about it. Not just the fact she had it but the lying to me. She claims she lied as she didn't want me upset but I know it's because she knew I would try to talk her out of it.
I've got to pretend everything is ok when really I have become very depressed about it all. On top of that I have to go to my sisters at Christmas and be all happy about her new grand daughter who is 6 months old. My grandchild would have been the same age.

I know most people will say it's her life and her decision, I agree with that she's an adult and I am pro choice.
I just can't get over the sadness and depression and have said some awful things to her about it.

OP posts:

moonrocket · 15/12/2014 10:27

Sorry, meant to also say that next time she's PG, she's unlikely to share that with you.

Kewcumber · 15/12/2014 10:27

Don't you feel depressed about the fact that your teenage daughter went through that on her own because she knew you were unable to support her through it?

Thats what would upset me in your position, if I'm honest.

Thereshallbeaspirin · 15/12/2014 10:28

Your poor daughter.

MinceSpy · 15/12/2014 10:28

Figray it isn't about you. Your adult daughter made an adult choice about her own body. You don't have to agree with abortion but that doesn't give you the right to be unpleasant and unsupportive.
Frankly I wouldn't have told you either.

MindReader · 15/12/2014 10:30

I can hear your sadness and grief from your post.
Yes, it will be bittersweet to see the 'other' 6m old baby at Christmas.
You may well have a wee teary moment or two, or three.
That is all quite understandable.

BUT....

Your daughter may go on to have a baby.
You may get the chance to have that relationship you want so much.

BUT .... you wont have access to it unless you understand that your daughter's needs come first.
If she could have seen her way to having that baby then she would have.
She didn't and she must have had her reasons.
You MUST respect that.
Poor lass went through it without your support and that must have been hellish lonely. She didn't feel she could come to you as she doubtless suspected you would put your longings before her needs. You need to master this so it doesn't poison things between you.

Please - go and apologise to her for your harsh words.
Explain it was shock. Tell her you are sorry. Ask her to consider forgiving you. In time, she may speak to you about it. Or not. But - you can try to repair the damage before it festers.

Good Luck! x

Damnautocorrect · 15/12/2014 10:30

It was her decision to make for her life, it isn't about you.
As a parent all you can do is advise and support, this was not your choice to make.
Cuddle her, support her but keep your grief very very private or you'll destroy your relationship

HermioneWeasley · 15/12/2014 10:31

This is not about you.

I suspect that Making it all about you is why your daughter felt she had to lie to you and wasn't able to get support from someone who should have been providing that unconditionally.

It is still not about you.

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 10:32

Oh God, you're going to get all weepy at Xmas and in the presence of children??

Please, ffs, grow up and stop being so bloody self absorbed.

GingerbreadPudding · 15/12/2014 10:33

This is exactly the sort of reaction my mum would have had. Everything was always about her. I say 'would have had' because I now have broken off all contact with her as she was nevertheless supportive and always a drain. If you want a relationship with your daughter you need to apologise, back right off and live your own life instead of hers. Poor girl.

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 10:35

Same here, Gingerbread.

ArsenicStew · 15/12/2014 10:36

Me three.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/12/2014 10:37

No wonder she didnt tell you!

How sad that she had to go through this without the unwavering support of a parent.

Had you have been 100 percent behind her decision, she may well have spoken to you about it.

CuddlesAndShit · 15/12/2014 10:39

I understand where you are coming from. However, the way you are going about it is all wrong. You are entitled to your feelings and I'm sure nobody here would say they are irrelevant...BUT this isn't about you.

Your daughter needs to feel unwavering support from you. You should be her main source of comfort and strength right now.

I helped my sil through an early termination a few years ago. I was on the phone to her every day, attended appointments with her and had her staying with us while she was going through it as I didn't want her to be on her own. I found the whole situation incredibly upsetting - I was so sad about my potential niece or nephew. But I made sure my sil had no inkling at all about my feelings, because she was doing what was right for her and she had her own barrage of emotions that she had to deal with. My job was just to support her and hold her hand, no matter how hard it was for me, it was a million times harder for her.

This is one of those times as a parent that you have to put your game face on and be there unconditionally for your daughter - and keep your thoughts to yourself. Nobody is saying that you can't have a good cry to yourself or a trusted friend, but your daughter does not need the responsibility of your emotions about this.

I understand it's a shock to find out and you must feel sad that she didn't come to you. That's ok but you mustn't take it out on her, she did what she felt was best for her at the time. I gently suggest you give her a cuddle and be the strong support system that she needs.

DrewOB · 15/12/2014 10:40

my mum is like you, and she's made clear that wanted grandkids since my cousin had some 6 years ago (I'm 28). I am so scared of her reactions that she doesn't know I have PCOS, I told her that I got engaged by text because my fiance made me talk to her.

Would you really rather your young daughter had a child with a man she wasn't sure about just to satisfy your needs?

Original poster

figray · 15/12/2014 10:47

I have to say thanks to everyone, the posts have been hard to read but have made me realise how selfish I have been. I really don't want to lose her.

We have a good relationship and she usually tells me everything so I guess I was upset that she didn't tell me about something so important. We have talked about what happened and she did say she was under a lot of pressure from her boyfriend. He said he would break up with her unless she went ahead with the abortion.
She also said she was crying all the time when she went to the hospital for the appointment and no one said anything or offered any counselling.

I think it also brought back bad memories as I had an abortion when I was young and had no choice as my parents told me to get rid of it or get out.

I just hope I can make things ok with her now.

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/12/2014 10:49

Gosh this has to be one of the most self-absorbed, self-indulgent and self-serving ops I've ever read on here.

Stop being so selfish and have a word with yourself. Then go and apologise to your daughter and start being a good parent and supporting and loving her.

winterypolarbear · 15/12/2014 10:49

Understandable that she didn't want to tell you I'm afraid.

I just can't get over the sadness and depression and have said some awful things to her about it.

And you really need to apologise if you've done this.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/12/2014 10:51

X-posted.

Hope you can make things ok. Good luck :)

winterypolarbear · 15/12/2014 10:53

Sorry I've just seen your last post.

I still think you need to apologise (its sounds like your daughter has had a difficult time of it), but I understand why you might be upset if you feel she was perhaps pressured into the abortion.

museumum · 15/12/2014 10:54

well done for coming back OP and realising that this isn't really about you.

I'm sorry that your daughter sounds upset about what she went through but it sounds like her boyfriend wasn't the best partner and now she's split up with him look on the bright side that she isn't tied to him for life by being a co-parent.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/12/2014 10:54

your poor daughter is all I can say. YOu are supposed to be there to support her, not imagine her as a grandchild machine to compete with your relatives at xmas.
just vile.

LineRunner · 15/12/2014 11:01

You really need to apologise to her for anything negative you said to her. I hope you can make this right with her.

But please don't keep picking at her wound or trying to make one, when she may be able to heal very quickly.

My mother did shitty things like ring me up on 'the anniversary' of my having a termination just to make sure I never forgot how hurt she was ffs.

AMumInScotland · 15/12/2014 11:04

It sounds like you were focussed on reliving what happened to you, and wanting to 'fix' it by getting a different outcome this time around. Which is understandable, but you (hopefully) can recognise that you've gone too far the opposite direction.

What both of you needed, and neither of you apparently got, was to be listened to and helped to reach a decision that you personally felt was right for you. Or at least the best available in a difficult situation.

Talk to her about it and acknowledge that you failed her and want to do what you can to get past it. If your relationship is generally good, then I'm sure you'll be able to rebuild.

MindReader · 15/12/2014 11:21

Figray - no wonder you feel very upset.
You had a 'forced' termination as a young woman and are scared your dd was in a similar position recently - with a pressuring influence (the partner) and little support (the clinic). But, remember she felt she couldn't tell you - does she know about your history? (now might not be the time, as the focus needs to be on her - but maybe in the future you could explain why you reacted as 'harshly' as you did?).

AMumInScotland (me too!) speaks much sense above.

YOU are in the position to offer her what it sounds as though no one else has/is at present - unconditional love and acceptance.

Give her that for Christmas (and ever after).

ouryve · 15/12/2014 11:27

You got it in your last paragraph. She is an adult. She made her own decision and didn't need to involve you, ever. She did, though, and look what you went and did to her. You didn't support her in a non-judgemental manner. You blasted her for your own selfish reasons.

Don't be surprised if she never confides in you again. And don't be surprised, when she is ready, one day, maybe a decade or more away, to start a family, if she keeps you at arms length.

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