I am thinking about a termination but without telling my partner

[stateoftheart]

I feel like this would be the best decision for me and my children. He wants the baby and would be really distressed if he thought I had terminated so am thinking of saying I miscarried.

It has been a really hard decision to make and I think if I talk to him he will talk me out of it and I will end up keeping it so I don't cause him the pain of a termination!!

I have a voice at te back of my head saying it's wrong to go ahead with this.

I don't want to tell you what to do or not do. However, I think that trying to maintain the lie is going to be really difficult for you. There could be a lot of things that you will need to cover up or find a explanation for. It could be disastrous if he found out that you had a termination and also lied to him. It's a big risk.

You shouldn't be expected to continue with a pregnancy that you don't want. Perhaps talking to him again might not be as bad as you imagine?

It has to be your decision whether to continue the pregnancy, but I don't think you should lie.

Ultimately it has to be your decision but I think you need to be honest if you think it's for the best. Your husband finding out later would be so much worse.

I am not sure the relationship will last for long anyway. I just feel it's such a hard decision and I couldn't deal with his devistation. I know I could be talked round easy.

If you have a feeling your relationship isn't going to last anyway then if I was in your shoes I wouldn't want to be on my own with a baby either.

Do whats right for you not him. You will be the one left with the baby most of the time.

I think if you know what you really want to do, then you won't be talked round by your partner. He can have his feelings about the situation, but your body is yours alone to make decisions over.

I think lying is going to be difficult to maintain and could make matters a lot worse in the long run.

state it is ultimately your decision and it's not very fair of your partner to put any pressure on you. Yes he can have a different opinion but it's you who would have to go through pregnancy and birth and more than likely be the one sacrificing things to bring a baby up so if you don't think it's the right decision for you that's ok.
Have you been able to speak to anyone about your options? I think speaking to a counselor might be helpful for you. Just because you could be persuaded doesn't mean a termination is the wrong choice for you, it's hard when someone close is pushing one argument, especially when you are tired and hormonal and someone independent to talk things through can help.

You might find it hard to pretend it was a miscarriage though. A few people who suspected I was pregnant have assumed I had a miscarriage (i had a medical termination) and although they aren't close enough to bring it up the few vague comments and sympathy they've made just made me feel awkward and my dh has been a rock of support (he always maintained it had to be my final choice although he was on the side of termination) and you deserve to be supported for making the best choice for you and your children too.

It's just a difficult situation, 3 months ago I had the coil but then found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy tests never got that dark over a period of a week so we were worried but we were both willin the pregnancy on. Anyway I found it was ectopic and had an op to remove it. We both grieved for the pregnancy and it was a hard time.

In the aftermath we said we would wait for a few months until we were in a better position and try for a baby.

We had been using withdrawal(not the best I know) as I didn't want any more hormones and in our eyes it wouldn't be awful if I fell pregnant.

So after 1 month and with only 1 tube I fell pregnant. At first I was happy, he was very happy. We have talked about the future ect.

I had a scan to see if it was in the right place and it was. After that I have felt different. It's like reality has come back. I have 4 children with my ex. Am dreading telling them I
Pregnant. Have just finished Uni and need to get my first job in my field which is proving difficult and I live in a tiny house.

The thought of being trapped with someone I'm not sure about, having to loose my independence to look after a baby and have my children upset is killing me.

I feel like I can't tell him because of all the we said. It seems cruel to terminate a pregnancy when we were so sad that we lost one.

Peachowl. I do worry about the sympathy. I am a very open person and I tell my friends everything. But no one knows this. I don't want anyone to know so I don't have to look and them and know that thy know in the future. I want to forget.

You really do have to do what is best for you state I really think trying to talk to someone independent would help you. It's ok to decide that this wasn't the right thing and isn't cruel it's realistic. It sounds as if you didn't have time to process the unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage and I know how empty it can feel when you are suddenly no longer pregnant.

I wish I could say something really helpful but the best I can say is take some time to make the right decision for you. If you aren't sure about the future with your partner then make a decision just for you. When I decided to terminate I was initially thinking about my dh and dc and I wish I had listened to the people on mumsnet who said decide for me because yes they are affected but you have to live with either decision and I think it's easier if it is right for you. Continuing/ending a pregnancy for your partner will just bring problems later I think.

State It sounds like you've got a lot going on in your life.

I wouldn't encourage lying about it. As the pps have said, to have a termination or not has to be your choice. Your dp can have an opinion but ultimately the decision has to be yours. In a perfect world.he would respect your feelings enough to support you through it. Ideal worlds don't exist though, do they?

I agree with peach regarding the sympathy. A few people came to the conclusion that i'd had a miscarriage and i couldn't bear the sympathy. I was lucky in that i had support from my Dh and a few close friends which i would have been lost without.

Is there anyone in rl you can turn to?

Well I went for my app but they wont go any further with me until my second scan at the hosp to see if the pregnancy is viable, which is weds.

I really don't want to talk to anyone is RL about it. I am not sure why.

I think it is the right decision to terminate, but I know its going to be hard.

If you have any doubt at all, don't do it. Because you unfortunately can't turn back the clock to make everything OK. Please don't lie to your partner - be clear about your reasons why and stay strong.

I do feel I have to point out that feeling doubts doesn't make it the wrong choice, equally feelings doubts about continuing a pregnancy doesn't make that the wrong choice either. A poster said to me that we expect to feel relief once we've decided but it isn't always that simple. We just make what we think is the right decision and sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't but you go with what you think.

Sorry posted too soon! You shouldn't have to lie to your partner, he should support you but I know life isn't that simple. You can change your mind right up until the termination if you want.

It's your choice, not his. If you feel it's right for you, then it is.