Grandmothers want to visit baby right away...

[babynelly2010]

Hi,
We recently pregnant with our 1st baby, this will be 1st grand child for both sets of our parents. We are oceans away from our families. Our parents just found out and are so excited but there is a problem. My MIL stated that she wants to come right after the birth of baby and spend time with it so she can bond. My mother just said she wants to come for the birth and help out with the baby right after. Well, I have some problems with this:

1. My husband will be do only person present in the room when the baby is born besides the midwife and whoever from the hospital team.
2. I want to spend at least 2 weeks with the baby so I can bond with it and don't want anyone around except my husband.
3. I want both grandmothers involved but not at the same early on.

What do I need to do?
MIL and my mom both are very nice and want to be involved as much as possible. How do I explain to them nicely about coming over and not participating in the birth process without offending them and letting me bond with the baby first?

Any advice please.

The most important bond that needs to form is between you and your baby.
I'm not sure how you would keep them away for 2 weeks, and when you have your beautiful newborn, I'm not sure you'll want to, TBH.
If you don't want them near for the birth, then you need to be honest with them (I can't think of anything worse than having my mother present at the birth!).

Decide on the points that are important to you and your dh, and stick to them

Congrats on the PG!

Hi,
I think you should be honest from the off with them.It'll only cause many problems later if you let it drag on.You are saying the same thing to both so neither can feel more pushed out than the other.You need those weeks to yourself to adjust and you dont have to justify that to them. My MIL came to stay within 3 days of DS1 arriving and it was just too much. And i have a wonderful relationship with her i just didnt want to offend.Now pregnant with number 3 and they all know its not happening again!! Good Luck!! I'm sure they'll understand. xx

I think keeping them away for 2 weeks is a bit harsh imho.....

What about a few days, then let them have a short visit, so they can at least meet the baby. That's what we did, they came and met DS for a few hours and then went away againand came back later (we live a long way from both sets of parents, DS was prem - they came down to see him for a few hours/day, then went home and came back for a real visit a few weeks later).

Even the shortest visit would be most appreciated, I'm sure. They only want to see the child and help. Tbh, help would be great, you'll be so tired after a few days, that having someone around to give you and DH a few hours rest will be a godsend! Everyone is different though, do what is best for you but try hard not to completely alienate the grandparents - a short visit is better than making them wait 2 weeks.

Good luck in what ever you choose!

Bonding is for you and your DH mainly, not the whole family - they'll have plenty of time to get to know the new arrival! Grandparent rights are definitely well down the priority list after you and your OH bonding with the baby and you getting breastfeeding established.

I'd say 2 weeks of no visitors at all might be a bit strict, but definitely get this sorted now.

FWIW my DH and I have decided on 2-3 days of just us and then house rules of: all visits must be pre-arranged and if we cancel, deal with it; anyone who comes to visit in the first few weeks is expected to look after themselves or help out, even if it's just turning up with dinner or groceries; establishing breastfeeding will be my no.1 priority so visitors will have to accept that baby and I may spend much of their visit upstairs (though Mum and MIL may well be helpful on the feeding front as they've had 5 bf kids between them and I get on extremely well with both); and if I start to get stressed, visitors will have to leave. If I have to be in hospital, visitors must be okay with leaving when I ask them to.

We've already made sure my Mum knows we don't want anyone else (other than medical pros) at the birth - MIL wouldn't even suggest it!

When DH goes back to work, I'm hoping my Mum will come and stay for a bit as that's when I'll need the most help. She's great at just getting on with walking the dog and doing the housework so I know she'll be a help.

Do be honest with them and say you don't want anyone at the birth, but I think you're being harsh to say you don't want anyone to come near you for a whole 2 weeks.
Be careful, because you may be on your knees and desperate for some help and if you have offended everyone then you won't have that backup.

Thanks everyone for the response.
I know I am being a bit selfish but here is the thing, they both will take 12-15 hour flights to come here and will want to stay in our house. And I am sure it is not going to be 2-3 days it will be more like 2-3 weeks for each.
Does anyone sees any problem with two grand mothers trying to help with one baby at the same time? I guess I just don't know how hard it will be...

I should not worry about it just yet I guess... but I will probably mention something about it next time it comes up, something like, lets get closer to the time and decide then.
Oh and my husband is the only birthing partner I will have

I would say that if they want to come at that stage, they need to stay elsewhere. Especially as they both want to come!

Oh babynelly2010 it is as if you are writing about MY delima! MIL is from Canada and my mom from Austria and the baby is due before xmas so all family wants to come and spend Xmas with us (including BIL from Dubai with his wife that normally doesn't even bother to talk to me but is suddenly interested in seeing the baby!!) I am just panicing from now on the thought of visitors while having a baby to take care of! We live in a tiny 2 bdrm in London and MIL and FIL are lovely but old and I KNOW I have to cater for them and do everything such as: order the grocery and think about "what are we all going to eat", "are the bathrooms tidy or need cleaning", "what's the xmas menu?" on top of taking care of my first baby!! I have asked my mom to not show up before Feb/March. I only want my sister and DH as my sis has had 3 kids and young enough to "really help!".... I love my PILs but don't want them here till I have a grip of the situation!

wickedfairy no one comes from the other side of ocean for only couple of days... the minimum usual visit is 2 weeks...

How can I get

I think 2 weeks is a bit long tbh. I did have people visiting (in hospital) the days both DS and then DD were born (by chance my mum and dad were staying nearby when DS was born).

Both times after a week my DH had to go back to work and my mum came down to stay and was great . Did loads of cooking and housework and I did breastfeeding, sleeping and gazing at baby . When DD was born she did the same thing and also helped with DS.

Would have felt less comfortable with my MIL doing something similar but couldn't have imagined not letting her see grandchildren for two weeks.

Oh I feel for you I really do. I need my mother to do some childcare for when I'm in labour but then I really want her to go home when we arrive back from the hospital. I think she was planning to stay for a few days. We haven't the room and I haven't the inclination (we don't really get on tbh). I told her straight and she was really offended but tbh you need to do what's right for you and your immediate family.

With my first I got sick of people coming round and cluttering the house up when all I wanted to do was sleep! I know they are being helpful in their own minds, but it's not great. Maybe ration their visits or tell them just to come for a couple of hours.

My mother in law, went over with my FIL when my SIL was due with first (Australia), and my MIL went over when 2nd was due (Singapore) both times she arranged a hotel, she never even asked to stay one night as she knew it would be too much for them, and she said she is too old not to get a good nights sleep herself, babies screaming during the day is nice but not when you need your beauty sleep.
They may well not want to stop with you, but talk to them and see what their plans are and tell them what you would prefer.

Ah, didn't realise about them both wanting to stay in your house. Think they need to stay somewhere else definitely. As both coming then you wouldn't want to let one stay and not the other.

I think you need to find a compromise. You might find that you are desperate to show off your baby. Certainly don't have houseguests after the birth. Having them close by and visiting for short periods is the best way. After the birth of my dd people just flocked round uninvited. I'd had a 2 day labour with a lot if intervention and an em cs. People turned up and stayed for hours, expecting tea and meals. I sat on the bathroom floor having bled through my trousers, trying to get dd to latch on, cs wound throbbing and my heart breaking while 7 people sat in the next room waiting for another round of tea. I needed to be firmer, or dh did.

You need a situation where you can have them there as much or as little as you need/want to. In a hotel or a holiday home nearby is perfect.

I do think keeping them away for 2 weeks is a bit much to ask but I can see why you wouldn't want house guests at that point.

Could you perhaps say you will really need their help much more once DH goes back to work and see if that will convince them to come after 2 weeks ? (and IME, that is when you will want a couple of extra pairs of hands )

You say your families are oceans away so this is an advantage.

My parents live reasonably close so popped in when we asked and didn't overstay! My Mum was very helpful and cooked and cleaned and didn't try to monopolise the baby!

My MIL lives abroad so had to book flights. I was convinced I would go over by 2 weeks so the earliest we told her we wanted her over was 3 weeks post due date. She was happy with this because she wanted to see the baby - not a heavily pregnant me! As it turned out baby came 2 weeks early so we were very settled by the time she came.

So my advice would be;

1. Tell your mother that you don't feel comfortable with her being at the birth - end of. No guilt trips.

2. Tell your mother that you need her once dh is back at work. Play up the 'needing' part.

3. Get MIL to book flights a good few weeks after due date

4. If possible, get them to stay in a hotel so you still get some time to yourselves

5. Get this out of the way as early as possible so they have a few months to get over it

The whole bonding thing with the grandmothers isn't going to happen. Babies don't remember people. It will be a while before baby will remember grandparents between visits!!

I have a plan.
I will talk over this with my husband. I will have him talk to his mom and I will speak to my mom about the plans. I would not mind if it was just visits but since they are coming from overseas I know it will be more than just that. So hopefully we can sort it out... and after all we are just lucky that we have so many people caring about us so much..

Thanks!

I really feel for you and dont think you are selfish at all to be worried about this.

I do think you need to thank them both for wanting to come over and help but explain you want time to bond yourself (one week???) and may find two sets of parents visiting together overwhelming. When they do come over you will not be cooking or cleaning and you do expect them to help out with these things as well as holding baby. You can say all this in a very friendly I am not sure how I am going to feel but love your enthusiasm lots kinda way.

How far in advance will they book their ticket? You could go to 41/42 weeks so you could suggest they leave it until at least then to make sure they have max time with baby (and then hope you are early).

Would also suggest staying in hotel for at least some of the visit and maybe they can overlap for a week but surely not the whole 3 weeks! arrggh. You could also say that you would appreciate the two visits being spread out otherwise three weeks after baby is born everyone has gone back home, DH back at work and then will that be it for months until they can afford another visit?

Dont bottle it up voice your concerns and wants to them too.
Good luck

Only one person was allowed to be a birth partner when I had ds. So that puts paid to your mother's plans to be there at the delivery. TBH though I think if my child was giving birth, I'd want to be nearby, if not hanging around the hospital then at least able to drop by ASAP once the baby arrived.

It would have been unthinkable to keep my mum away, to be honest and I wouldn't have wanted to - although to be fair I did go into hospital a little early as she was was fussing too much and I needed the relative calm of a maternity wing

Two weeks is far, far too long to keep them away.

I think when they're coming from overseas (particularly 15 hours away) asking them to book flights for when you KNOW the baby will have arrived - ie 2-3 weeks after your due date - is perfectly adequate. Your mum might want to be around at the time of the birth (even if she's not in the delivery suite with you!) and if you want her there then I think that's fine - but agree with the others that none of them should be staying with you once you bring the baby home - they should look into hotel accommodation even if they usually stay with you - the whole situation will have changed!

I just moved back a few months ago to my home country so now instead of my parents being a 24 hour flight away, it's my MIL who is that far away (although my folks are a 5 hour drive...) My MIL is coming over for three months when our baby is a couple of months old; she'll do some travelling around the country as well but TBH I think she will be great help at that time as DH will be back at work and actually, so will I part time.

My parents are coming down the week before my due date, and they will stay with us until the first night I bring the baby home from hospital - then they will go home again for a few weeks and come down again three weeks later. Or earlier if we decide we need them! They may stay with us or they may stay with my brother who lives not far away (but we have a 3br place; he has a pokey 2br flat he share with a flatmate!)

I am lucky that both our parents are being so accommodating of what WE want; perhaps your parents and PILs are just excited about being grandparents and assume you'll be just as excited for them - you just need to gently remind them that this is time for you and your husband to get used to being a family!

Very good luck!!

Sorry, I missed the point that the mothers were abroad!

I can see why they can't exactly pop round! Apologies!

Maybe ask them to book their flights for a time when the baby will definitely be born, as someone already suggested. You won't want them hanging around if you go overdue!

My parents/in-laws did not come for the first 3 weeks as we wanted time alone to get used to the whole thing and because they live 4-5 hours away, they need to stay for a while. I can't remember how we broached the subject, I think we just said "you can come from this date, when do you want to come?". As they all work, that probably made it easier. My mum came for a week, then m-in-l for another week. That worked much better because by then DH had gone back to work and it was good to have the company by then. Besides I would not have wanted them to see me recovering from c-section, getting breast thrush, stitches out, bfing counsellor round, and the general tears and stress of having a first baby. But that was me and my relationship with them, I appreciate some people are far closer. And second time around I guess we will need some help with DS1!

I agree that you just need to be really honest with them. With being there for the birth, that shouldn't really be an option because you just don't know when you are going to go into labour, and explain to your mum that it's just not practical for her to be around for the 4 weeks that you might go into labour. You could also say that a better time for them anyway would be a few weeks later when the baby is awake more and more responsive - a newborn baby is not going to bond with a granny who is just there for a week or so, and needs to bond with you for feeding, etc.

Hi babynelly,

I have a similar situation with my mum - they are wanting to come from Spain and be here for the birth of the baby, but as they don't speak any English and are not familiar with the area or driving, we would need to look after them. In the end I THINK I have managed to convince them by telling them I will need their help more when my husband returns to work after his paternity leave (which is true, as I have no friends around, money for a cleaner, doula, etc and would love to have my parents lend me a hand and spend time with the baby then). But if they were here when the baby was born it wouldn't work (the language barrier doesn't make it easy), plus my husband and I want time to bond with our baby & get our heads around parenthood for the first couple of weeks! Hope yours understand too, as long as you are tactful it is your decision, at the end of the day!

be honest
my parents arrived 90mins after ds was born, i was still in my post-labour shower! but, they asked, and left after about 30 mins.
you need to nip this in the bud or you'll find it much harder later. it's lovely they're excited, congratulations on your pregnancy

I feel your pain Babynelly - I really do! We are in exactly the same situation!

With our first child my mum arrived with my little sister 10 days after my son was born - fortunately he'd been 3 days early and not a week late or she could easily have arrived when I was still pregnant! They left a week later and my MIL, her husband and my BIL came the next day. They ALL stayed in our house! They were here for a week too! It was a nightmare!

With our 2nd child we were stricter. My mum couldn't come immediately anyway because it was term time and my 2 little sisters are still in school so it was 6 weeks before she came. We had planned to go down to visit the in-laws when my daughter was 8 weeks and so we managed to put my MIL off until then.

This time we are expecting twins and as my son is also starting school at the same time we have said absolutely no visitors staying at all until the October holidays by which point the twins should be at least a month old, if not more, and my son should be totally settled at school.

I am amazed that everyone on here thinks it's mean to keep them away - I can assure you that we didn't say no to all visitors, and if our families lived nearby it wouldn't be an issue, but having people to stay in your home is a completely different ballgame! (in fact, even staying in a hotel is an issue because they would want to be here from breakfast through to supper time anyway!) It's not just parents either (or not in our case anyway) - my hubby and I both have siblings who would want to see the babies but they can't ALL visit! My Dad couldn't come over with my mum after the births of my kids due to work committments so he didn't meet my son until he was 7 weeks and my daughter until she was 3 months because that was the first chance I had of getting over to see them! Yes - it wasn't ideal, but that's life and he had no problem with it! We just made sure we sent LOADS of photos and wee video clips. My parents totally understand, but my MIL would love to just come whenever she felt like it and it's not practical so we've said no.

Be firm Babynelly!