Keeping Secrets

[SweetTree]

Hey lovely ladies of Mumsnet.

I just had to write. I found out last week that I'm six weeks pregnant (after doing 3 HPT in disbelief!) and I'm almost bursting with joy. DH and I have been trying for a year so this is really great news but it's killing me not being able to share friends & family yet. So I though I'd share with you fab ladies.
Those who have been there & done it, how did you cope keeping it to yourself?
Ladies in the same boat, how are you coping?

Have an appointment to see nurse next week so should know more about scan dates etc then. I think I'm looking at around 12 weeks before it's safe to share. Would you agree?

Many thanks for reading and in advance for any responses.

Congratulations SweetTree!

Everyone is different but I told my closest friends and my mum straight away, everyone else, once I'd paid for a private scan at 10 weeks. I only told the people who I would want to know anyway if the worst happened and I miscarried.

Up to you if you're good at keeping secrets

Hey there

I found out at 6 weeks too, but only held out until 8 weeks!

My partner wanted me to leave it till 12 weeks, but I figured I definitely wanted ppl to share in our happiness, instead of just hitting them with the bad news if it goes wrong.

Everybody feels differently about this, but I know that when our ivf failed (this one's a surprise natural pregnancy at 40 and 50!) that although my mum didn't approve of ivf she was supportive and was really there for me when it didn't happen for us. Amazing to be able to tell them some good news!

I kept it secret from mum until 9 wks, dad 12 wks and brothers 15 wks (one brother was living with us lol!) and work/friends until about 19 wks.

Like you I was so excited at first and wanted to tell everyone, but then I started to think again and decided to wait. After a little while I was used to keeping quiet and quite liked having my 'secret baby' all to myself after all once your secret is out that's it!

I'm a very open person but with my pregnancy I felt quite private about it, firstly because my dr scared me about m/c and I worried I woundn't sustain the pregnancy and secondly because due to office politics at work I didn't want them to know before they needed to and finally I fell quite quickly and it took a while to really sink in!

Very many congratulations!!! All the best

I lasted 2 hrs telling my sister, 3 days telling my parents, and a week before everybody else found out. I felt like a kid, and literally felt like I was going to burst. I officially have no patience.

Good luck with the secret keeping though, and congratulations

Congratulations

I told family and close friends straight away - my reasoning was that I needed their support for the sicky/tired/feeling crappy stage (not that I'm getting it!)

Personally I don't get the holy grail thing of 12 weeks. 12 weeks does not = definitely safe pregnancy (I speak from sad experience)

If you want to share your lovely news then you share it! Obviously you may want to choose WHO you share it with but if, God forbid, it didn't work out,wouldn't you rather have some support? Do what works for you and what you are happy with.

And huge congratulations!

I'm 9+5 and so far have only told my sister and that was only because I have been feelng like rubbish and DH didn't know what to say or do to make me feel better and thought she might after going through it 3 times!

We are waiting til our scan at 12+4 to tell parents although DH is desperate to tell his mum but we know she won't be able to keep it a secret and will be on the phone to every random relative to tell them!

We're currently trying to work out the order we tell people as we know both families are gossip and we have very close circles of friends that will beat those jungle drums!

It is difficult not telling anyone and I am having to lie like a trooper for getting out of going out drinking but it will all be worth it, as sedgie said, it's like our little secret and once it's out there is no going back!

Congratulations and good luck with the secret!

We didn't tell anyone until after the dating scan with DS3. I had a stomach bug for a bit and then it was school hols so didn't see anyone for ages!

i too am in the same boat, i hid my first pregnancy until 22 weeks!!! this time i don't know how long i will be able to hide it as this is my fourth pregnancy (2 previous late m/c) so my body will go into overdrive and start showing at about 10 weeks or something!! I hope to tell after the nuchal scan fingers crossed that i get there!! Big congrats on your bfp

Congratulations SweetTree

The best advice I got was, until it was confirmed to tell those people who you would tell if the worst happened.

Littlesilver, I think the 12 weeks thing is more because that's when things are more definite., eg due dates and that pg is really happening, and isn't a figment of the imagination! However, after 2 previous MCs, I waited til 15 weeks to tell work colleagues etc this time. My parents were told straightaway - I'm not really sure why or how anyone keeps it from their Mum

I haven't kept it to myself. I've told family and quite a few friends. I don't get the 12 week thing either - as LittleSilver said, 12 weeks does not necessarily mean safe and I cannot go through the first 12 weeks expecting the worse. I like to look on the positive side and if something horrible does happen, then I figure I'll need my family and friend's support anyway.

Congratulations First time managed until 6 weeks then told mums and a couple of friends. Second time told nearly all friends from 8 weeks but family at 12 and this time a few friends have known since 5 weeks and gradually more are finding out as I am huge! Agree with Mercedes advice, tell those you would tell if the worst happened and wait to tell the rest.

Guys, you've all given me such amazing advice, thank you.
I think most of you are right when you say I should tell those who'd support us if something terrible did happen. Just hope the monther-in-law can refrain from telling her entire phone book!!
I'm totally loving the Mumsnet experience.
Thank you so much ladies
STx

I held off telling everyone but a few very close friends till after the 12 week scan. The reason I choose for not telling parents (or PILs) was that, for them, a mc would cause them loss (of a possible grandchild) and so wanted to shield them from that.

A friend who mcd at 7 weeks did say that the grief her PILs suffered and the sadness that her parents felt (whilst trying to provide support to her at the same time) means that next time she won't tell the parents till after 12 weeks. Another friend found out that her parents had told the entire world as they were so excited (understandably)

Yes, 12wks does not = safe, but the risk of mc is reduced by 65% in the second trimester, and seeing the scan does get rid of the worry of an early mmc.

ST - join the relevant antenatal club on MN too - really good support from people at the same stage as you (and therefore going through the same thing). Oh yes, and Congrats!!

I dont actually think I will keep it to myself (am only 4 weeks).

Have told my best friend, and my mum and dad. Other friends/relatives who I am close to I will tell as I see them, I doubt we will actually keep it until week 12. This is baby 3 so I will probably show beofre then anyway.

Worst thing is keeping it secret at work esp if I end up with morning sickness which was awful the previous two times.

So in answer to your question - I cannot keep a secret.

I know how you feel - I'm about 8 wks, and so far have only told some close friends who live on our street. It's tricky though as it's pretty much all we talk about at home - we refer to it as the 'february plan', but then to not tell other people is really hard. IT was really nice telling our friends though, made it seem much more real. We decided to tell them as DP has just gone away for 10 days, and we live overseas, so i wanted someone else to know, just in case anything happened while he was away.

It's so hard not telling family though. We've both been really struggling to talk to parents and sisters on the phone as they're wanting to make plans to come and visit us etc, and we're having to really cagey about dates and things! They keep asking if anything's wrong...

We'll have a scan in 2 weeks - they scan earlier and more regularly here, so we'll tell them after that.

Good luck with everything

We told family and then told other people as we needed to after our first (private 8 week) scan. It would've been tough keeping it secret as I had awful sickness and started changing shape early!

If I were you, I wouldn't tell anyone now that you wouldn't tell anyway if you had a miscarriage - if everything went wrong you wouldn't want to have people you don't know well or talk to often asking how the pregnancy was doing.

After you have a good scan and get into the 2nd trimester (after 14 weeks), the risk of miscarriage drops hugely. So although you're never definitely okay, the risks are less - whereas at your stage, it's about a 20% chance of miscarriage if you're around 30 (higher if you're older).