drinking too much

[totallymessedup]

I don't even know whether I should post this but it's 3am and I can't sleep. Please feel free to judge me terribly, believe me I am already doing it to myself. I didn't drink in the first trimester, mostly because I felt too terrible to go out. Over the past few weeks though I've had a few occasions where I've drunk way more than the guidelines. I have never felt drunk but have had on the worst night about 6 glasses of wine/champagne and a shandy over the course of a very long evening (starting at 4 and ending at after midnight). There have been probably 3 other nights where I have drunk I guess around 4-5 units.

Iknow this is way too much. I know I may have irreversibly harmed my baby. And I don't know why I've done it. The other night I drank beer while my husband was out and took the empties away in my work bag so he wouldn't know. On Sunday I went to a bbq with friends and had 2 tiny quarter glasses of wine and then came home and had 2 glasses of red. If I have any, I have too much.

I know I am an alcoholic. I find it so hard to face life without alcohol. I should not be bringing another child into the world. I have also not been able to stop drinking caffeine. My life is so stressful and I am very unhappy but that is no excuse. I am not in UK so no option to go to AA, which I would be happy to do, jsut to have meet peopole who understand and actually give a shit.

No point to this post. I am not looking for reassurance because there is none. Just to feel less alone maybe. Just had to get it out. I do not intend to drink again in this pregnancy,but the damage may already have been done and it is my fault.

Thats realy good advice miflaw!.

Its one day at a time.
xxxx

One day at a time is very good advice, and something I have a tendency to forget. And thinking about anything more makes me feel overwhelmed and panicky.

Thursdays are a bit of a trigger for me because my dh goes out and when I'm not pregnant I like to settle in front of a DVD and drink a few beers. Because he's not here I feel as though I can "get away with it". Even tonight I was tempted to buy "just one" on the way home. But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.

I don't really like sober evenings at home. I tend to stay at work later and later in the evening because I prefer it to being at home.

MIFLAW - I'm not in France, but very close!

Sorry, just typing to keep my mind off things. No need to read really.

I did go to AA a few times when I still lived in the UK. Back then I was drinking a bottle of wine every night, more if I went out, as well as smoking, taking drugs and treating myself like shit in as many ways as possible. It was an awful, terrible itme and would never go back to that.When I get drunk though I still do some stupid things even now. I didn't stick with AA unfortunately because I didn't want my dh or anyone else ot find out. When I was in the meetings I loved it, but my shame kept me from going back. Then we decided to ttc and I stopped everything pretty much overnight.

A bit random, but I guess I'm trying to say that I thought I was an alcoholic then, but because I was able to stop, decided I wasn't. But I've been reading back over old mumsnet threads by people worried about their drinking and there are many posts by people who talk about their alcoholic parents and it's just heartbreaking.

What scared me about drinking these past couple of weeks was not just that I drank more than recommended, but that I drank so much even though I didn't want to. It was like something had taken over my will.

Totally, please try the 'one day at a time' approach. As you have been to AA you will know about this. It really works.

There are a lot of us struggling with alcohol at the moment. If you want to chat come on over.. No idea how to link it but the thread is in 'relationships' and it's called 'me and alcohol have ruined my family.' Not bossy or judgemental just supportive.

Hope you are OK x

thanks MoominMags. I was actually reading that thread when I couldn't sleep the other night and it prompted me to post. Feel a bit weird to post on there when I'm pregnant - not sure why.

DD and I watched a movie last night and drank camomile tea, and then I read to her. It was a lovely, relaxed evening. No social events this weekend so do not have to face temptation.

Does anyone have any suggestions how to talk about this with Dh? He is a kind of "just get over it" person, even when I was on the phone to him threatening to take valium and champagne (many, many years ago), he still didn't see why I felt the need to talk to a doctor His advice is always "just stop thinking about it". It must be lovely to be him, but I don't have that kind of brain.

Anyway, must work!

Hiding the fact that you are an alcoholic from him is not helping him to understand. You need to tell him. Tell him that you're an alcoholic and you went to AA a few years ago but stopped as you didn't want him to find out, but you're scared and need support and need to attend meetings and you need to be reassured that he will support you.

Partners of alcoholics often wittingly or unwittingly help foster addictions and he will continue to do so until you tell him.

You are the pillar of the family, but he needs to know that the pillar has some shallow foundations and nothing to support it right now and thats where he comes in.

I agree that you should show him this thread also- you've bared a lot of soul that you may not actually say out loud- but he needs to hear. After that you can change your user name if you like!!

Agree with Elsa, you need to try to tell him if you can.

"I guess I'm trying to say that I thought I was an alcoholic then, but because I was able to stop, decided I wasn't."

As you now realise, you WEREN'T able to stop. Otherwise you wouldn't be drinking now. I used to "stop" every night and then start again the next day! Stopping means stopping and staying stopped, no matter what comes our way, and it's the latter that poses the problem. That's why some of us need AA.

Also, I don't know whether oyur husband ever did find out that you were in AA, but in my case, I was the last to know that I was an alcoholic.

The alternative is that you are right in your understanding that he will never believe you have a problem - in which case attending AA won't convince him either. Maybe you just need to tell a little white lie and tell him you're going to a scoial club or a tea group or even amateur dramatics - all fair descriptions of an AA meeting some of the time!

Either way I'd say you have notihng to lose and everything to gain.

Are you in a position to go to local-language meetings too, or is the language too much of a barrier?

totallymessedup - wrt to alcoholic parents...

My Dad is a lifelong alcoholic, and although this did cause me problems, I love him, we have a good relationship, he and my Mum are still married and I turned out ok.

It does sound like you need lots of support, and your DH doesn't sound like the type to provide that without a fight.

I think that if you start AA (telling him why, not negotiating just stating), it might be the first step towards him taking you more seriously.

Also, of course, you will get support, guidance and perspective from the group. This may well help you find a way to get through to your DH.

I had to stop working six weeks into my first pregnancy due to hyperemesis. My DH was particularly about this, as I was self-employed, and the income just stopped.

However, I didn't ask him, I just told him. It was something I had to do.

Have you tried being more assertive with him? I know you have problems with anxiety, and this may be too much atm.

Well done for admitting your problem, and good luck.

Well I am meeting dh for dinner after work tonight after all, so will be facing temptation. I am posting here now so that I have to come back and tell you that I did not drink

Perhaps the perfect opportunity to address the issue with dh as well.

Good luck tmu

Thanks! I didn't drink, didn't even have a sip of Dh's which I would usually do.

I couldn't talk too seriously with dh because dd was there. I did tell him that I was worried I'd been drinking too much and he said he agreed.