Pregnant (2nd trimester) and ambivalence

[summerfruits]

I'm into my 2nd trimester, feeling physically very good and emotionally fine - most of the time.

Then I have days, like yesterday, when I feel utterly ambivalent - and quite low - about becoming a mum in November.

It was sparked by being out with friends and their kids. All lovely, but I couldn't really be bothered to engage constantly with their young kids and the noise and fuss and stuff got to me after a while. I wanted to lie down and read the paper.

Then it made me feel guilty. What if those feelings are real and I project them onto my child when s/he is here? What if I don't bond and don't enjoy it? Is it really that different when it's your own child?

I'm in my late thirties. I had years of being single, very independent and a fairly self-absorbed life; and although it definitely didn't always make me happy, or always fulfill me, it was also great (and free) in many ways. I was quite ambivalent, and very scared about having a baby but (I fell in love with a wonderful bloke) and we wanted to try. When it happened (quickly), my partner who was totally ambivalent became unwaveringly excited, whereas I juggle with lots of feelings. As I say, ambivalence.

I ask you - is this normal? Is this okay?

It is normal and it is OK. I wish I could reassure you with total certainty that everything will be fine when you have your own baby, that you will adapt seamlessly to motherhood and will never feel resentful or bored or frustrated. My own experience was that I had all your worries in pregnancy (and got pregnant in similar circumstances), even down to the dispiriting afternoons with friends with young children. And when my daughter was born spent most of the first few weeks feeling utterly terrified! Motherhood changes everything in your life so much, and I found the transition very strange and difficult. But I came out the other side, as do most mothers, and I'm now heavily pregnant with my second child.

My first daughter is now three and there are times that she makes me want to scream. There are times that I wish I could stay in bed reading on a Sunday, with coffee and toast and the radio on, and not be up looking at mumsnet at 8am because my daughter thinks this is an acceptable lie-in on a weekend. But those times truly are immensely outweighed by the happiness and completeness that she's brought me - like most British people I don't do well with emotional sincerity, esp. with strangers on the internet. but she's truly the best thing that ever happened to me.

I hope my own experience helps a bit! Even if it doesn't, at least know you're not the only expectant mother to feel like this, not by a long shot. You're taking a giant leap into the unknown, I'd think it more unusual not to have any doubts.

That really helps EmmaB, thanks so much. It's not that I expect a seamless transition etc, I just gets days where I cannot imagine that the good bits will outweigh the more tedious. Thanks for sharing - you were very emotionally sincere!! Thank you. Good luck with your pregnancy number 2. x

I agree with everything EmmaBemma says.

I have a 3yo too, and constantly find myself wanting to get away from him, wishing for 5 mins' peace, wanting to scream at him to go away and leave me alone... BUT this does not mean for a second that I don't adore him more than anything in the world.

I was never very clucky / gooey over babies before being or when pg, and the bond with him took a while to form after he was born but I got there eventually.

Oh and don't get me started on other people's kids! An afternoon spent with friends and their children and all the noise and mess etc can be exhausting and overwhelming, even though I'm used to it! It's so much more so for you when you're not used to it.

It's all normal, relax and enjoy.

Agree with the other replies. I was very low during my first pg. I think there was an element of mourning the loss of my old life. I have 3 dc now and wouldn't be without them. I still resent the lack of time I have to myself, but that will change quickly enough as they get older.

Good luck with the rest of your pg. Don't be too hard on yourself - it's a big change you're facing, and you're smart enough to acknowledge that. What you're feeling is normal.

And, no, I don't much like other people's kids either

Thanks all. Sound thoughts and advice