Really terrified and embarrassed about the whole idea!

[JosieSmith1]

Hi, I'm not pregnant but recently got married and we're talking about having a baby. As much as I really do want to have one, I'm so scared I have burst into tears a few times today!

I feel ridiculous! I read a post on here about refusing inernal exams, which was a load of my mind as I'm terrified of them, not because they hurt, but because I'm embarrassed about it! I had my first smear this morning and it was fine but I felt really ashamed and degraded all day! This feeling is puting me off getting pregnant!

Also, and how ridiculous is this! I'm embarrassed about my husband seeing the birth! Up to now 'that area' has been for pleasure only shall we say, and I wonder how he could posibly want to go there again aftr seeing something so disgusting! He keeps telling me it won't bother him but I'm worried, and I'm worried that if I do have to have an internal, how will I feel about him witnessing it, or even knowing that it's happening.

Sorry for whining, I just feel so degraded right now and I don't know how I'm eer going to get over it and ever pluck up the courage to get pregnant!

Josie - if you really feel strongly that natural birth is not for you you can always have a Cesarean birth instead. Like you I find the thought of having a natura birth horrific and really never want to endurethat experience therefore I pushed for an elective C section for my first birth and it was fantastic. I have since had a second (consultants much easier to agree a csection when you've had one before) and again lovely experience.

I don't feel like I've missed out at all by never having a labour as I never wanted to have one.

Please don't let your feelings about this stop you from having a baby if thats what you want (whilst I never wanted to give birth naturally I am blessed to have had 2 gorgeous children) - if you feel that a csection would be acceptable you shoud be able to negotiate one if you do your research.

Well, if you want nitty grtty, when i was examined in both labours i had a towel draped over my thighs and tummy and the midwife didn' lift it up and look, just put her hand under and did the necessary things, so having your bits on display isn't much of an issue until you are geting ready to push, ot=r that was my case. So your dh isn't actually seeing the midwife examine you, but just knows what's going on, iykwim?

also, other mumsnetters may help with positve comments, but my dh was absolutely gobsmacked seeing dc's being born, he says it was the most fantastic experience and was delighted to have been able to watch it, even very graphically telling people how dd's head came out like a sharks fin shape when being born!

Hi Josie, I think you are definitely doing the right thing to think about these issues before you get pregnant. I just wanted to say that while I am totally with you regarding doubts re your husband seeing the birth in graphic detail (I am concerned that I will feel inhibited and that this will slow labour), a couple of words you use in your post really stood out to me.

Shame and degradation are really strong and deep-rooted emotions (sorry, trainee therapist here ) and I wonder whether you might benefit from talking through and exploring your feelings? I think if you are crying even before starting ttc shows that the idea of internals and of labour triggers very real and difficult feelings for you and that you might find a lot of relief through counselling or therapy.

I know it's not for everyone, and as Chynah points out, it's not the only approach - just something to consider.

Trust me, you won't care when it comes to the birth. You will be 'focused' on the task at hand

It is a bit worrying though that you are having these thoughts now. I think that most people start stressing this sort of stuff at the end of pregnancy, when their labour is imminent. Are you definitely sure you are ready for this?

Maybe there are some deep seated issues that it would be best to deal with before you get pregnant?

Although you can refuse to have unnecessary examinations when in labour, you lose your dignity pretty quickly in pregnancy - for example, I had to have swabs done last week as I had some symptoms of a vaginal infection that can cause serious complications in pregnancy and shouldn't have taken the antibiotics without knowing for sure (very glad I got tested as I was clear). Plus if you had any issues getting pregnant or whilst pregnant (e.g. miscarriage or threatened miscarriage), internals are par for the course I'm afraid.

So whilst if you're genuinely tokophobic (terrified of vaginal birth) you can ask for an elective, that won't mean you don't have to have anyone looking at your bits!

I had those feelings before getting pregnant. It also stretched to being really afraid of a baby ruining my life when it was actually here. Therefore I couldn't think 'birth is tough but you get a baby at the end'. However at the same time I really wanted a baby and felt wildly jealous of other friends who were pregnant. I felt acutely torn at all times.

I now have a three year old son and I am 34 weeks pregnant with a second baby. It actually took a long time to have my first son. About 7 years from the start of trying incluing a couple of miscarriages and periods of infertility. In going through that, that I got lots of help with my thoughts and feelings towards having a baby through counselling and art therapy. While I was pregnant I continued counselling and also got hypnotherapy.

In the end I had a vaginal birth and I felt very happy with how it went. I am now vaguely looking forward to the birth of our secind child!

However I think I have been very fortunate with the help I got. If I'd have just got pregnant early on then I think I may have elected for a c-section as I don't think normal birth support (including NCT classes) would have been enough to help me. Natal hypnotherapy is the only thing I've seen which actually gives you a process for handling fears.

Good luck anyway with whatever you decide.

PS My partner was definitely more in love with me than ever after the birth! He thought I was amazing and we felt very 'loved up'!

kawwaiko what you have said really stands out to me. I was thinking all night about why I might feel so strongly and have come up with some ideas that some things may be bothering me deep down more than I realised. I have had hypnotherapy before and am definitely considering it again to deal with these issues. I really want to have a baby but I realise I need to deal with these issues before I start otherwise I might find the whole process to be very difficult rather than natural and enjoyable

Good on you Josie to try and sort these issues beforehand and to try hypnotherapy too. I am totally completely with you on the efar and sense of shame. I have always been a very private person , and am terrified that my husband will 'go off' me if he sees that all going on. I have always hated inetrnal exams too. We have about a week to go until our first baby is due, and after alot of soul searching we did opt in the end for a vaginal birth. (I have to say too..... it was fear of degradation also that prevented me from ttc for quite a while).

I have not had a single internal exam throughout the entire pregnancy (did not ask to NOT have them, they just never did them) and we have decided that my husband will stay at my head. After some really tough times worrying and fretting, feel ready now. But i think that sorting those issues out as early as possible is a really good idea. I am also with peanutpie... people say 'oh labour is tough but you get a baby at the end'. I always found that to just be a platitude that did not really resonate with me. I am SO looking forward to having my child here and loving and caring for my child, but i find that platitude a bit patronising, if you know what I mean.

Oh, and keep asking questions on mumsnet. It has saved my life over the past 9 months.

With my first baby I did not have any exams until after my waters had broken and by then you are actually wanting them to check to see if anything is happening.

DP saw it all and said it was the most amazing experience of his life seeing a baby being born.

I didn't feel degraded at all just amazed at myself for producing this beautiful little thing it is a very powerful experience.

I have gone on to do it 4 times now and DP does not fancy me any less for seeing it all and believe me he has done some things during labour that you don't really want your partner to do for you. I would also say that having a baby brought us much closer together as a couple.

Thanks anyabanya, it's really comforting to find that other women feel the same, and that it's not just me being selfish or stupid. I also find that phrase a little annoying, it's easy to say that getting a baby at the end is all worth it but it's hard to see when you're looking at labour! I find it's like when people tell you not to be nervous on your wedding day as it'll all be fine, easy for them to say, and easy to agree withthem afterwards, but you can guarantee you'll be nervous no matter how many people tell you not to be! After you've experienced getting married you realise it's not that bad, but with a first baby, you can't prepare for how you're going to feel,physically and mentally, so I want to be as prepared as possible.

Josie, you've been given some reat advice here on expolring your own feelings before you get pg, to see why you feel this way.

However, please remember, you don't need to have your DH there if you don't want to (though I understand that he may really want to!). My DH and I have discussed the fact that, if either of my sisters had lived closer to us, I would have had them as a birth partner rather than DH! But they don't, so he came, and it was fine.

Josie - I felt exactly the same and had all kinds of hang ups before I got pregnant.

Would like to say that in both pregnancies there were no internal exams and no one saw my undercarriage until the actual birth. I also went to hypnobirthing classes to get my head around my fear of birth and it helped enormously. I had two lovely home births with no unnecessary interference or monitoring and the second one in particular (water birth) was about as dignified as it gets. I actually felt how you feel when I got pregnant the first time and managed to "fix" it in less than 9 months, so don't worry. If you actually want to have a baby the pregnancy and birth are a miniscule part of it.

Poledra, good point about not necessarily having the father there if you don't feel comfortable! My DH is keen to attend but I am clear that I would like him to stay at the head end, and I hope that will have the strength to tell him (or anyone else) if I feel they are inhibiting labour.

I like the way Ina May discusses it in her book on childbirth, with the charmingly named 'sphincter law' where she emphasises the need for a safe, relaxed and private space for birth.

Josie, I think that the hypnotherapy sounds like a great idea!

hi, you dont have internal exams in pregnancy unless really necessary. i have had 3 babies and only ever had one internal examination and that was when i was in labour with dc1 and it was just to see how dilated i was, and to be honest you want them to examine you to know where you are. with dc2 i pushed b4 they could do and examination, and with dc3 she was born at home and again didnt have an internal. my dh was present for all 3 births, very much business end and it soooooooooooooooooooo hasnt put him off, hence 3 children lol!!!
you think you will be bothered but when u are in labour you really dont care who see's what to be quite honest! my dh wouldnt have missed any of the births for anything and has helped him bond with the kids cause he has been there from the start. good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I didn't have any internal examinations at my 2nd and 3rd birth (didn't realise the first time you could decline them), and as I was labouring & gave birth in a birth pool (DS1) no one (midwife or DH) saw anything at all.

With DS2 I laboured fully dressed until my waters went, then I took my soaking wet trousers off and DS2 born really quickly. DH did see this time (his choice, he could have looked away).

TBH your bits look very different in labour so DH said it never bothered him as by the time we were ready to do the deed again (after about a month) it all looked normal and he didn't really think of it being the same place.

It's also fine to ask your DH to stay up "the head end" so he's with you, but doesn't actually see the baby come out.

My hospital actually ask this as a preference (they don't insist but say that it's easier for the midwives/ Obs if there aren't too many people crowding around).

I'd agree with other posters that it's probably worth talking about your feelings with a trained therapist if you find (eg) a smear test embarassing/ degrading. I'm 28 wks and I've never had an internal or even had to take my pants off, but if you have any complications then you may need them (eg if they think you've got an incompetent cervix or something) and it would be better if you could reconcile yourself to it so you can properly enjoy your pregnancy.

Just thought I'd let everyone know that I've ordered some home birth hypnotherapy cds and am going to arrange some counselling sessions as I get 6 free through work, and also some 1:1 hypnotherapy sessions. If they don't work I'll look into the pros and cons of CS as I think it'll be the only way I can contemplate having a baby unfortunately!

Also, just to add, I do have moments, probably coinciding with certain points of my cycle, where I feel like I could deal with it and that it would be wonderful to experience a calm, home VB so I'm going to let the counsellor know about this and hopefully she can give me some strategies for clinging on to these thoughts.