Broody but dh not keen

[pontypandy]

Hi all, I am have really been getting broody lately but my dh just doesn't seem interested.

I don't know what to do as i would really love another family member, but dh has said in the past that just the one is enough and that he wasn't even thinking about having any kids at all but ds came along not planned and we just sort of went with it.

We are still young and have plenty of time but I don't want the age gap between my ds and another sibling to be to big.
He is 5 is sept and will be starting school so I thought this would be a nice time to start trying soon.

Also I would love a April/May/June baby.
Also I love being a young mum and still want to be young with my second.
How do I get my dh to come round to the idea.

The thing is he says because of our ds's behaviour sometimes he dreads having another one, but ds's behaviour is nothing unusual for another other 4 yo.

He also said if it happens it happens, Does that mean I should "accidentally" "forget" to take some pills.
But I really don't want to do that as that's being deceitful.

What to do?

Sorry about the essay

hmm that's difficult, have you been able to explain to him how important it is to you? Is he an only child? I think the majority of people who have siblings themselves would want siblings for their children, but maybe he hasn't thought about it from that pov.
Good luck!

No he has 4 brothers and sisters, he did say previously that he knows how siblings fight and wind each other up. (another excuse)

I am an only child and no how lonley it can get somtimes, espshially with older parents which is another reason i would like another one when i am young.
Not that i am at all saying that it is "wrong for any age" age doesnt effect ur parenting.

It sounds like you need to have another, very open discussion about it.

Don't ambush him when he's just come home from work and don't just scream at him 'I WANT A BABY NOW GIVE ME ONE!!' lol

But you need to understand what exactly his worries/concerns are about having another child and he needs to understand why you want another one and why you want to do it now. Saying things like 'if it happens, it happens' doesn't really cut it in the adult world if he knows you're on the pill - it's a bit of a cop out and like he expects you to just get yourself pregnant. Of course you want to discuss it and plan it with him instead of on your own so it sounds like you're going to have to grab the bull by the horns and tackle the subject head on.

good luck x

Thanks LMSS. Think i might just do that.

LMAO at "I WANT A BABY NOW GIVE ME ONE!!"

If only we could say what we're really thinking

how do i bring this up in conversation ??

you could go with decoy and tell your OH that you have an appointment at family planning clinic for a blood pressure and weight check and then ask him whether he thinks you should keep taking the pill or whether he thinks you should come off the pill. He'll probably ask why you're thinking of coming off it, which gives you the opportunity to point out to him that you've been discussing the possibility of having another baby and he wants to see what happens, so surely this would entail an end to contraception...

It's not a very subtle way of raising the topic but you can't beat around the bush too much if you want to have a frank discussion with him about this, you have to just be direct, open minded to his point of view and non-confrontational. Easier said than done lol

ahh see i went to the doc's not that long ago to get another precription of pills cus i have only been taking them for three months so are still in the testing stages with the pills.

I personally wanted to come off these ones cus they are making me put on loads of weight (i look like im pg which probley aint helping with the broodyness lol) but the doc was like try another 3 months and see how you go i was thinking if i can make it though ur doors in 3 months

So anyway, i just came up with an idea, may i say that i really dont want to carry on taking these pills anymore and hope he says dont then lets ttc

Wishfull thinking i think tho

could say something like 'i saw so-and-so's baby today and it made me think...' or 'i've been looking at these photos of when ds was a baby...'

I tried for 3 months to convince my DH and he was not changing his mind at all. He could not understand why the need for a 3rd child, why upset the balance, things are fine. I could not understand why it was such a big issue for him. In the end, I have pulled back from teh nagging and tried to understand that actually - we are happyw ith 2 and maybe 3 would make him unhappy. I was so broody but since my thinking has changed I actually am coming to terms with it and its not on my mind 24hrs (it was all I thought about previously!)

I did speak with him last night and well I don't think I have got any closer to a straight answer, but when do we with men

I didn't no how to start the conversation I was sitting on it all night hoping something would come on tell about baby's that would be a conversation starter

So anyway i took a risk and said You no what we talked about the other night, Do you want any more kids or not b/c if not I will just sell all of ds's old stuff and get some cash.

He said said "i dunno"!!!!!!
FFS all i want is a do you want more or don't you (well i suppose a dunno is better than a no)

So i started talking bring up some of your good points.

1.DS's behaviour could get better if he has a sibling to interact with
I got back "well what if DS is took rough and hurts the baby"

2.What if we have a girl she could be daddy's little princess
I got back "don't really want a girl, I wouldn't mind" (now I don't really mind looks like a opener )

3.I don't want the age gap to big between DS and another
I got back that "another couple of years wont hurt"
I then said that if we waited until DS was a teenager that it wouldn't really be a little brother or a playmate it would just be some annoying little baby that keeps him up and night.

He also said that with his job (he works 13 hour days from 6am-7pm
that he doesn't want to have broken sleep as he has to be up and 5am and its a driving job and he doesn't want to fall asleep at the wheel.
Now im not being funny but with DS he would wake up and night I would look over at DH and he was snoring his bloody head off.
But apparently he's not as much of a deep sleeper as he was when he was younger.

I may of brought up another couple of points but I think I have rabbited on for long enough
The one thing that has sort of given me hope is the "another couple of year wont hurt"
But even then its another couple of years and im broody now !!

Well it's a start, at least you've brought it up again and asked him about it straight out.

You need to decide if you're happy with the more open ended 'another few years won't hurt'. Will it potentially hurt your career? Do you feel strongly that you want your kids to play together, because if there's more than 5/6 years between them then when DC1 is ten and wants to play football in the park, if DC2 is only two then that's probably not going to happen. Likewise when DC1 is 18 and wants to go to the pub for a pint and to watch the football or go to Ibiza with his mates, if DC2 is only ten then it's not likely they'll be doing much together then either.

That's not to say a big age gap is necessarily a problem - plenty of families have them and siblings still get on with each other but it potentially complicates things a bit for you.

Your husband has voiced his concerns about adding another baby into the mix when his job is quite full on at the minute, but you're equally entitled to point out your reasons for wanting to have another one sooner rather than later. Hopefully you'll be able to find a compromise that keeps you both happy...

yes i hope so, i was sort of thinking about comporomising and waiting till ds is 7 or 8, but as you said the gap is quite big and there wont really interact and much as i would like.

Im very confused now!

I took me a year to convince my dh to have another. In the end I think he could see just how much it meant to me. Especially since I had never been broody before. It took us a further year to conceive, I was about to give up.

from your posts it doesn't sound like he is completely against it. My Dh didn't want to do the baby bit again as the others had all got to a stage where they were a lot easier but I persuaded him that the sleepless nights and nappies stage doesn't really last that long.
You need to make it clear that you really don't want to wait a couple of years. Go with the 'it may take a while to conceive' reasoning

Good luck.

Just to add my tuppence - my personal view is that a 5 year age gap often doesn't work all that well - they are far enough apart to have very little in common, but not far enough that the older one finds the young one cute and enjoys looking after them. I think 7 or 8 years' gap would actually be better.

So I'd suggest that you talk seriously with your OH about that as a timetable - say that you are willing to compromise on the timescale but you want certainty as to having a second child. Get him to say YES or NO to having a second child in a couple of years: that way at least you know for definite. I'd have that conversation with him now rather than waiting.

(I appreciate this is a very personal viewpoint based on my own limited observations - don't want to offend any mums out there with 5 year age gaps...)

lol but what if it doesnt take while and i get pg next month

But in all fairness i think DH like the baby bit he said he loved it when DS was a baby and would cuddle into him and all that baby stuff. Its now that ds is a right mummys boy , and last night DH said he doesnt think he is very bonded with DS

thanks minipie is is good to have to different prospective on this and other than my DH you have been the first to say that the bigger gap we are talking about would be best.

The trouble is that im thinking now, is what if
friut is right and i do take a long time to conceive then that would make the gap evan bigger 9 or 10 years !! Which obviously that's ok for some people but i really wanted my 2 children to have a strong bond and with that gap i would of thought it would be hard for that to happen.

Really, I don't think there is that much difference between a 5 year/7 year/9 year gap. Either way they will be at very different stages for most of their childhood. But that doesn't mean they can't have a strong bond. I have two friends with sisters 9 years apart from them, they are both really close to their sister despite the gap. It's almost like a "fun auntie" relationship IYSWIM.

Anyway, the point is, I don't think you should get too hung up on aiming for a particular age gap. You have to have the child when you and DH (and nature) decide.

If you want a child now, that is a good enough reason in itself - no need to justify it with age gaps etc. But if your DH doesn't, that is also a good enough reason not to. Unless you can persuade your DH, you will need to find some sort of compromise with him. A good compromise might mean waiting for a year or two then trying. As I say, I don't think that would make that much difference from an age gap/sibling bonding perspective.

ok thanks minipie, i think i will wait until DS has been in school for a year and settled in to his new routine.
I think that would be best

not to confuse matters but there's 5 years between me and my younger sister (we're 26 and 21 now) and we were still pretty close as kids, maybe not so much as teenagers, but then when she was about 18 and I was 23 we've been pretty close again since then. So 5 years can be a pretty nice gap!

But the issue isn't so much exactly how many years the gap is, it's getting you and your DH to agree on some kind of timetable for ttc DC2. As fruits mentioned above, it doesn't necessarily happen over night! And you need to think how it might impact on you to have just got one child off to school and settled before having another one and going right back to the nappies, sleepless nights, teething, toilet training stage again - maybe best to do it before it all becomes a distant memory lol

yeh it was the same for my DH and his younger bother thats 5 years, but then hes got a 6,7 & 8 and hes not so close to them thats whats got me thinking about the gap.
But then if DH really doesnt want another one now then i will just have to compromise