Should I stay or should I go??

[Katecool]

I don't know what to do. I'm in a very unhappy relationship, we have been together almost a year now, I moved in with him rather than him moving to my house because his mum had a heart transplant 4 years ago so she lives with us. He is a very insular person who doesn't like to talk about his feeling ever and is rather cruel about how much weight I've put on since I met him, don't get me wrong we do love one another but it's not a great relationship. I had a mc in march and he doesn't like to talk about what happened, we had decided to give our relationship one final go because all we seem to do is argue all the time but 3 days after making that decision I found out I am 5 weeks pregnant. He does want a baby but just not now, he keeps saying this shouldn't be happening now and refuses to talk about the pregnancy, some of it is worry that I might have another mc but I wish he was more loving. It's a miracle I'm pregnant with the amount of sex we don't have!! My parents are very old fashioned and I'm dreading telling them I'm pregnant because I'm not married! I'm so unhappy but I'm not brave enough to leave! I do love him but feel more like we are house mates than lovers. I'm sure a lot of this is my hormones talking but I just wish I knew what to do...I feel like vie made such a hash of my life!!

This is my first baby and I'm 35 and he is 39

you poor thing, what a horrible situation to be in at what should be a happy time, I don't have any words of wisdom for you but my cousin was in a similar situation last year (she was 40, had had a mc, and first baby) and she decided to go it alone, had a beautiful little girl and hasn't looked back, I know life as a single parent isn't easy but if he's really not keen and won't support you and you want the baby then you'll never forgive him if you don't keep it.

Oh dear that's very hard. Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

One thing to note is that I do find (general sweeping statement!) that somemen tend to be quite teenager like when their mums are around and are quite insular and moody and become the 'child' rather than the adult. I wonder if that's part of it?

I personally think it would be a very good idea to ask him if he would go to something like relate and if he won't, then I would probably pack my bags and leave as the situation that you describe is not sustainable as it is, even if and when he does 'come good' about the baby.

It would give you both the time and space to think things through.

If you're not ready to do that - is there anyone you could stay with (or several people) away somewhere for a couple of weeks or so?

This sounds very difficult, although the pregnancy is happy news in itself. As I see it, your partner should be hugely grateful to you for being ok with his mum living with you - it's not her fault at all, obviously, but it's quite a big thing to ask of you. He does also sound very unsupportive in general.

If you weren't pregnant would you leave/have left, do you think? That seems like a key thing to ask yourself. Because with the strains of having a baby, it's unlikely to make things better. If you think you love him in spite of everything, and want to make the relationship work, however, perhaps you should talk to him, making clear that you have had thoughts of leaving as his behaviour is really upsetting and troubling you, but seeing if he will open up and try a bit harder when he realizes how serious your worries are.

A break for a little while, as Brownpaper suggests, and perhaps some time to think clearly (and perhaps talk things over with a friend or relative who isn't too close to the situation) would be really helpful if that's at all possible?

Good luck with this - sounds tough.

Thanks Hevster,your right this is supposed to be a happy time and i wish i could feel happy. there is no question about me not keeping the baby if the little thing stays where its supposed to!!

Brownpaperandstring you are totally right about men acting like teenagers around their mums! She is a lovely lady but i do wish we lived alone! I will try and ask him to go to relate but i dont hold out much hope to him saying yes but i think some time spent away from him would be a truely fantastic idea if only i didnt have 2 horses, but im so grateful for your advice.

Levistubbstears thank you for your kind words and speaking to a friend is exactly what i will do asap. I really do love him and i want it to work but i think if the situation does'nt improve over the next few weeks i think i will be forced to leave, its not what i want but i think its what the baby and i need to do.

Thank you all ladies for your support and kind words, it feels good to have been able to speak about it to people who dont know me.

I think you should leave and tbh I am realy shocked you are 35 as I expected you to be about 17.

Your baby needs you more than ever and you can do this alone. Women are strong.

I think you should leave and tbh I am realy shocked you are 35 as I expected you to be about 17.

Your baby needs you more than ever and you can do this alone. Women are strong.

Im sorry Fabisgettingfit that you think i sound like im 17!!!!!!! Why because i have respect for my parents and ive been brought up to respect people and not be so rude like you!!

No, Katecool, that isn't why I thought you were about 17.

You can take it as me being rude if you want. I don't really care.

From what I've read from your post I would suggest you leave now.

You will only end up leaving later, and it will be all the more painful for everybody involved.

Are you able to financially support yourself and the baby?

Parent's can be very strange when it comes to pregnancies. While in an ideal world they would like you to be married before starting a family, they are quite often surprisingly supportive when they find out a little one is one the way. (Despite the initial tutting)

fabisgettingfit i understand your clearly moody but arn't we all at at times. I was asking the ladies for help and advice which they kindly took time to do and if you dont wish to do either apart from being rude to me then i suggest you find some other topic/person to pick on on this site! I really dont care either!!!!

lynettescavo...ooh i love desperate housewives too! Yes i am able to financially support me and the baby, i have a fab well paid job that i really enjoy.
Parents are very odd at times no matter what you do or how old you are! My mum was very supportive about my mc in march and im sure once the little one arrives they will be just as soft as always. XXXX

I'm glad someone recognised my name!

I hope I didn't sound harsh saying I think you should leave....but from what you've posted it doesn't really sound like you and this man have a future together.

Take care of yourself and baby. x

No your right lynettescavo and I think I will leave, I just have to sort out a stables for my horses near to my old house and friends and then I'm going. I know we don't have a future together but it's just hard to admit it. Thanks again. Xxx

katecool, I have always found my horse to be the best listener in the world, he may not be the best at providing the answers but those big ears have helped me talk through a lot of big decisions over the years. Really hope u get things sorted and there are loads of nice mumsnetters around when u want a moan/rant or sympathy

Yep...probably way to much advice, jjkm.