don't want to hurt them with our news, how can I help?

[readyornot2011]

I am currently 10+2 and everything seems to be going fine so far (fingers crossed) we told our parents and siblings around week 8/9 and will tell everyone else after the 12 week scan if everything is ok.

The thing is, some good friends of mine have recently very sadly lost a baby. I don't want to post any details in case they are on here but their baby arrived early and lived just a few precious moments. They are such wonderful people and would be great parents, I am just heartbroken for them.

They don't live close by so I haven't seen them since it happened. Our other friends and I have been talking endlessly about what we can do to help but it is just so difficult to know how to handle the situation. In reality I have done nothing other than speaking to them on the phone once (tried to call again but no answer which is totally understandable) and sending a card, and feel terribly guilty. I think about them every day and what they must be going through and it breaks my heart. I am absolutely dreading having to tell them that we are expecting, they have been through so much already I can't bear the thought of adding to their pain.

So two questions, what can I do now to help or at least let them know how much I'm thinking of them?

and how do I handle telling them that we are expecting?

thanks for reading x

Can you do it face to face?

I'm hoping to yes

wanted to see what people thought really..?

What a horrible situation, your poor friends

It really depends on your friendship, but in this situation, I think I'd write a note: it allows them to take in the news (& feel sad, and cheated, and that it's unfair) - and then try and be happy for you.

I'd want to do it fairly quickly once you're telling other people, rather than have them hear it through anyone else. Say you realise this will be hard for them, and (as you're said here) that you want to do anything you can to minimise their pain. And ask how they want to handle it - and be understanding if, actually, they don't want to hear much about it for the moment.

I lost my DS last year and have struggled this year as friend after friend has become pregnant and had babies.

It is hard to hear that someone else is pregnant but it is made so much easier when the parents to be recognise that the news is going to be hard for you to hear. Tell your friend face to face if at all possible and recognise that she will be sad. Not because you are pregnant but because it will focus her mind on her loss.

I think this is so hard for everyone. Firstly I would try to make sure I see these friends as much as I would normally do, no less. I would tell them your news at the same time as everybody else not let them hear second hand. Tell them how you feel about telling them if you think it would ease the news and if they are upset by it try not to take it to heart. Good luck and congratulations.

I think I would follow it up with a call/face to face, but wouldn't start there personally (although when I've had to tell mates who've had mc that I'm pg, have always done so face to face. I think the fact that you've not been in contact much since it happens makes that less appropriate somehow - not sure why...

I think that you're a lovely person.

How to tell them. I think you just take a deep breath and tell them, gently. And be prepared for any reaction from them. I don't think anyone can predict how they'll respond.

Just be honest with them. My best friend has just found out they can't conceive & may never have a baby of their own. They're devastated. I'm currently 28 weeks with ds2! Slightly different to your situation as they knew I was pregnant before they got their news.

I was realy worried because like you I want to be there for her & support her but knew I was probably not the best person to do it. I sat down with her and told her that. I told her that I wanted to be there for her but would totally understand if she wanted me at a distance. I gave her the choice as. We both cried & she told me not to be silly!

Just one thing. Try not to feel guilty! I do, every time I see my friends. Its not your fault their baby died. Try to enjoy your pregnancy & your new baby when it arrives.