Finding the sex but keeping it secret

[PixieCake]

I have planned to find out the sex of my baby next week at my 20 week scan, but keep it a secret between me and DH until it is born.

However, DH mentioned this to his family and they got a bit funny, asking what was the point of not telling them, they all want to know, makes it easier to buy things, etc.

I'm not a big fan of pink for girls and blue for boys, (or of buying too much before the birth for that matter) so am dismissing that bit of the argument, but I am finding the attitude annoying.

Should we just pretend that we decided not to find out to stop them pestering? Or will that make it tricky when they start asking what we think it will be etc.

Anyone else kept it secret, and how did you tell people. Does 'We know but we're not telling you' sound rude, or is it quite common?

Thanks

We are doing the "we know but aren't telling" thing.

For us, it doesn't matter either way (boy or girl). That is, doesn't influence our choices in nursery decoration or such stuff. Given that it didn't matter either way, we figured "why NOT find out" - particularly as that will help us save time in thinking about names.

However, it seems that it does matter to other people. Some people are saying things like "you are just making it hard for us to buy things for you". Well that is precisely why we are not telling them. Because it apparently WOULD influence their choices. I'm a firm believer that a baby's sex should not make the least difference in what he/she wears, plays with, looks at. I wouldn't mind dressing a boy in pink or a girl in blue, for that matter.

I don't like lying, so when people ask if we know the sex, I do say yes.
Somebody on this thread said, why not tell strangers, they are only asking to be polite and it won't make any difference to them, whereas saying "I'm not telling" is rude. Well the problem is, I would find it odd telling strangers but not family. So once we decided to not tell, I'm afraid strangers just have to live with the "rudeness" - I hope they do understand that it is not them we're not telling, but everyone.

As for experiences with this strategy, it has been mostly good. People tend to respect our choice (and say so!) and if they don't, well then that is their problem really, no? There has been one exception - DP's sister. She told us in quite clear words that she didn't approve, that she thought we were being silly and spiteful, wanted to make things hard for everybody else, and that she wasn't about to excuse this, as she sees it, childish and egoistic behaviour. I guess as she is pregnant as well, she can be excused though .

Maybe, just perhaps, we will start telling once we have settled on a name. We can't keep it a secret forever after all... and DP's father is itching to make stuff with the name on it (he's a phenomenal wood worker).
But on the other hand, I've heard so many stories where the predicted sex turned out to be wrong. Especially with the latest scan being at 20weeks.

I really liked how Roger Federer handled it... rumours had been his wife was expecting a boy. Turned out it was twin girls.

Meita, sounds like your DP's sister has started the "new mum rivalry" already..... It sounds like she's saying what you're doing is wrong, and criticising your choices.
I really dont see why it's anyone's business at all! And for people to moan that you're making it difficult for them to buy things?!?!?! A few years ago, no-one I knew found out the sex of their baby, and no-one had problems buying things!
people who moan are simply being nosey, and curious (and selfish)

ladyintheradiator - I don't really know why, but its our baby and our business as far as I am concerned. I think he just wants it to be a secret for the families for now. I can't see any basis for criticising our decision!

just read the rest of the thread - moondog, I can assure you I am neither sanctimonious nor smug, but thanks for the charming post!

Thanks vmcd, it's good to hear that from someone else. Sometimes I start doubting myself.

Unless its someone close then tbh I don't really care and usually only ask if they know the sex to make polite small talk, so can understand people not necessarily wanting it to be public news.

Its those that say "we know but we're not telling you" like its the biggest and best secret in the world - well yes its the biggest thing to them but the response seems rude.

And like it or not you'll end up with pink / blue as appropriate

addie, well said!
Meita, I just think it's everyone's own choice whether they tell people or not, and why people feel they have the right to complain, whine or criticise I do not know.
It's a special time to the baby's parents, and it's no-one else's business what they choose to do or say.
And why people on here are criticising this, again I do not know!

A few people have said, "Why NOT tell people?" But my question is "WHY tell people?" What REAL difference does it make to others if you tell them before the baby comes? I'm not asking for daft reasons like "It makes it easier for them to buy things", cos most people I know wouldnt buy lots for the baby before it was born anyway, and to me it's much more exciting buying for a friend's new baby - not for a baby thats going to be born in a few monthsm but you already know what it is. A lot of the excitement for others is waiting for the phonecall to find out what theyve had.

I am NOT criticising those who choose to tell people - I am simply saying it is everyone's own choice, so quit criticising others!!

Everyone is unique and just has to do what feels right for them (in the nicest way possible, of course, but without being bullied or pressured into satisfying what can just feel like nosiness!)

Now I just gotta make my mind up about what feels right for me!

Have to say the opinions expressed here are very thought-provoking and after thinking for a while that I might just leave it to be a surprise on the day, I think now that I might well go for finding out but pretending I haven't, so I don't get any pressure, and then me and DH can enjoy having our secret!

(note to self - must remember not to invite anyone into the co-ordinated pink / blue nursery...

Love to everyone
xxx

Just wanted to post on here to say we have decided not to find out... and I haven't met a single person at work/family/friends who wants us to... I realise some will of course say that once I say we aren't finding out just to please, but others ask 'you're not finding out the sex are you??' whilst shaking their heads - I don't know what they would say if I said yes?!!!

Anyway, jsut wanted to add another thought on here. Have no judgements whatsoever on what anyone else chooses to do, would never ever call someone difficult etc whatever choice they made, afterall, what has it got to do with me? I wouldn't expect anyone to judge me so I wouldn't judge anyone else.

Hope that makes sense??

Please please pretend you changed your mind and did not find out!!!

I had VERY bad experiences with this. Some of my friends really got UPSET and ANGRY with me for not telling! It really was bad. I hope you have better friends....

We didnt find out for first, did for second and couldnt keep it a secret from family as scan photo was totally obvious and had him in glorious profile!

Found out for third as she was a surprise in herself and we wanted to know which clothes to keep.

For all three it was the name which we kept secret as we felt once DC was born we could say 'DC has arrived and he/she is called xxx'. This stopped people saying (at least to us) that they didnt like the names we had chosen - they were all a little unusual.

To tell or not is a personal choice and not to be dictated by others.

We've found out, and told our parents (and DS) but nobody else.

When people ask if we've found out, we either say an outright no, or that the sonographer took a guess but wasn't 100% sure so we'd rather not say.

Saying that, DS (aged 2.8) is taking great pleasure telling everyone he meets about his new baby brother, so (while no-one has said anything to me) I think a few of them probably have an idea!

Some very interesting points raised here - thanks all.
Some of the replies have confirmed that people can get very funny about the parents-to-be keeping it a secret, so I have pretty much decided against going down this route.

I agree with those of you who say most people only ask to be polite, and couldn't actually care less about the sex of your baby. However, experience with my DH's family is that they are already champing at the bit to find out, for a number of reasons/excuses to be nosey. There is also a cousin due about the same time and everyone wants to know if they will 'be playmates'. Grrrr.

I want to find out myself. Don't shoot me down, but I confess that I have a particular preference. So if it is the other sex I would like time to get used to the idea. My DH is leaning towards not finding out until the birth, but says it will be a nice surprise for him at whatever stage we find out.

The reason I don't want to tell everyone is mainly because I think it is nice to have an announcement on the day of the birth (might take some of the focus off the wacky name I might give it!!), and maybe part superstition (I've never been superstitious before, but it doesn't seem right sharing info about my unborn child. Haven't even told many people about the preg yet, even though I'm getting pretty big. Strange I know).

Also, I know that my family will want to buy things in advance, and I would much rather have neutral colours than pink/blue. The inevitable pink/blue that arrives after the birth I will just have to cope with (ungrateful cow?).

So to avoid a lot of flack, I am now planning to find out (if they can tell me) and then tell people the scan was inconclusive and we don't want to announce the sex until we are sure.

That should also avoid too much quizzing about the name. DH already ran some of our shortlist by his mother. I was livid!! But that's another story.

Hopefully we can now have our secret, but avoid the family driving us mad by trying to second guess us.

Phew.

Bloody minefield.

Pixie you might want to tag onto your "tell people the scan was inconclusive.." that you really like dressing a newborn in white / neutral colours which may sway some away from pink /blue overload

Good plan. Thanks x

With my second, I knew and DH didn't! I somehow managed to keep it secret for the whole pregnancy and I'm a blabbermouth usually!

Pixie, very good point you stated there. If you are inclined to wanting one particular sex and then you dont find out until birth tha it is the other one, it will take you time to adjust...

I found out that the baby I was expecting was not the sex I wanted. And also I was CONVINCED it was pregnant with the sex i wanted! So, when I found out, I was disappointed for maybe 3 minutes, then started to enjoy and was really prepared and bonded by the time of the birt.

Dont know if that makes sense to others but I was glad I found out.

Good luck!

People are so nosey to find out, that they will put you under pressure, and make you feel guilty!
They probably feel let down, that you don't trust them enough to 'just tell them'.
My friend is 38 weeks, same as me. She has found out, but not telling anyone.
We were all a bit shocked at first, and thought what is the point in that?
But we have got used to it now, and actually like the idea that we are all kept in suspense!!
Don't feel pressured to tell anyone, they will probably prefere a nice suprise at the end of the day!
I'm sure you have other things that you don't tell everyone, just like they have secrets that they don't tell you !
Stick with your decision.
But . . .they will try to trick you into slipping up, so you have to be on your toes, not to accidently let it slip !!

I did not want to find out but found colleagues and family really annoying because they just did not believe me and kept pestering. at work one colleague came to my help and said: stop it, she*s having an angel. just like mum.

Now my DH says he doesn't want to lie to his parents by telling them we don't know when we do.
Bugger bugger bugger.

We didn't find out with DC1, but did with DC2. We didn't tell anyone the sex, but then we didn't tell anyone we were going to find out. I couldn't have told people we knew but were not telling.

If people asked I just said we didn't know (which was partially true as no scan is 100% certain). The main reason for not telling was that people were being very odd about the gender of DC2. Mainly telling me that we had to have a girl as we already had a boy. As it turned out DC2 was a girl, but we didn't say because I found those comments really annoying. Also, if the scan was wrong and we had a boy I didn't want to have comments about how disappointed people were when we knew we would be overjoyed with either gender.

Actually, I tended to refer to DC2 as 'he' during the pregnancy simply because I was used to DC1 so most people assumed we were having a boy.

I think it will be very difficult to not let it slip if people know that you know!

not sure if you can ever win when it comes to this. We didn't find out as we didn't want to know BUT my mother in law became paranoid that we did know and had told everyone except her. seriously, she is a bit like that anyway but it really pissed me off in the weeks before I gave birth and she was cross examining me about it. stupid woman.

I'd just go with what others have said and say that you coudln't tell from the scan.

Pixie, you could always tell your in-laws the truth - that you know but aren't telling - and tell everybody else that you don't know.
That way you wouldn't be lying to important people (but might have to deal with some tension there - though they might enjoy the surprise too) nor would you be constantly explaining yourself or be perceived as being rude by strangers.

Yes, it is a bit of a minefield - but I suppose it's all part of becoming/being a parent! You need to assert your own choices, but at the same time not shut other people and their opinions and feelings completely out of your life. Tricky balancing act!