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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

paternity leave - what do you think would be the ideal length/ way to take it

18 replies

tiredfeet · 17/05/2010 16:19

We're really lucky in that due to the nature of DH's job its the quiet time of year when our first child will be born, although he will be extremely busy over the summer. His boss has said that he wants DH to take, within reason, whatever length / format of (fully paid) paternity leave he feels would give me / us all the best support. I guess in his view it is better to have DH back and committed when the time is right, so it makes good business sense as well as him being very kind.

Having not had a child before we don't really know what to decide. Obviously a lot depends on the birth and whether there are any complications, but I would like to come up with a rough plan now that we are all happy with

Thoughts in my head (as well as what support I might need) is whether it might actually good for DH to go back to work after about two weeks anyway, as he loves his job and it might be good for one of us to have a break from the screaming and nappies? Or would it be brilliant to have had your DH around for an extra week or two? Another option would be for DH to take a week or two straight after and then do a few part time weeks.

Just wondered what peoples experiences were?

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storminabuttercup · 17/05/2010 16:27

My OH can only take 2 weeks statutory - however the boss has offered full pay if he takes just one week (yes i'm sure this is a bit dodgy) however - i am thinking if he takes one week and then another week or so as leave a little later it will give us chance to get into a routine.

to be honest i'm selling him short in my head as i think he will get under my feet.

However your DH's boss sounds very generous and could be a nice way for you to get a bit of a rest :-)

ktwiltshire · 17/05/2010 16:40

sounds like your DHs boss is fantastic! my DH hasnt been working in his current job long enough to be entitled to paternity leave, but luckily his work have a system where you can 'buy' extra annual leave, and the cost is taken out of your salary over the entire year, so we have bought 3 weeks holiday for him (the limit is normally 8 days extra leave, but his boss understands the purpose of buying the 3 weeks).
this is my third baby, but DHs first, so ive got a bit more experience and know what im going to need/want when the babys born.
if i have a natural delivery/get induced then im going to have hubby with me until a full day or two after the babys born, but after that going for just mornings whilst im still in the hospital, and then off properly for the rest of his 'leave'
if i have a csection (very likely for me) then i will have him in hospital the day of the csection, and possibly off work the day after depending on what time the csection ends up being, all being well DH will go back to work for mornings whilst im in hospital, as with a csection im going to be in there much longer, and as above, DH off work properly when i comme home from hospital.

im sure DH will get under my feet and i will be annoyed at him, but ive had severe mobility issues through the pregnancy (SPD) and its going to take me time to get back to normal mobility, and walking unaided, so im seriously going to need him around the house (we have two DDs at home also)

sazziej · 17/05/2010 16:44

My first DC is due on Spetember 1st, my DH is a teacher and this is the day school restarts after the summer holidays (mmm, we didn't quite think that one out did we?)... DH has to take his two weeks together and at the moment we're thinking that he will take the last two weeks of September off so he can settle his new class in at the start of term.(and not be under my feet)

I am fortunate that my Mum lives close by,so even if I go over my EDD I can have someone who can take me to the hospital until DH can get there.

glacierchick · 17/05/2010 17:10

This may not be veyr helpful, but in the Scandinavian countries parental leave can to a certain extent be shared out and many men do take a substantial chunk of time.
We're still working out how it will be, but our ideal scenario is probably something like, DH will take the 2 weeks after the birth as is (more or less) standard in the UK and here. I will take 6 months maternity leave, of which 4 weeks before due date and remainder after (14 weeks full pay, remainder on mat pay - might as well make the most of my tax contributions!), then DH will take 3 months or so paternity leave (also on standard rate "maternity pay"). We're actually entitled to a full year of parental leave that can be more or less split how we want it between us (though only the mother gets 14 weeks on full pay I think), and it can also be used as PT working, so it may be that DH decides to do 6 months or so part time instead. I am considering doing 4 day weeks when I come back to work, but we still have a few months to work it all out!

My scandinavian colleagues consider it very important that the father gets to bond with the child as well and it's very common for men to actually use their entitlement. My sister who has 2 DCs in the UK has had a very different experience and I'm not sure she would even trust her DH to look after their kids alone.

cinnamongreyhound · 17/05/2010 17:24

I would have loved my DH home with me but although he got 2 weeks full pay paternity leave he only took a few days when DS was and then the rest as odd days after, although my labour took up 2 of the days!
I would say it really depends on you and your relationship with DH, I could easily have several weeks with DH at home but it might be nicer for him to have a day a week to spend at home with you and the baby if you think he would get under your feet. Also, if he'd be happier at work then why not have some part-time hours.

Original poster

tiredfeet · 17/05/2010 17:25

thank you some of these comments are really helpful. Its so hard to know what it will be like after the birth.

I expect DH may be quite helpful, as he's got quite a lot more common sense than me, but we shall see! I don't have any relatives near by, but my mum is coming for a week about 3 weeks after my due date (so that the baby will definitely be here by then) so that is some extra support at least.

DH boss is being incredibly supportive, but then DH is working extremely hard over the summer, so I guess it balances things out.

I like the idea of DH maybe spreading some of it out over time rather than all at the beginning. Once I go back to work we're hoping I will work part time and DH will cover some of the childcare as his job has some flexibility (but that plan depends on just how grim the budget is I guess!)

The scandinavian system sounds fantastic, for both parents actually. And I do agree with their view on the bonding thing, my brother's been working very long hours and barely saw his little boy for months, and they are really having to get to know one another now.

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craftynclothy · 17/05/2010 17:51

Wow, that's really generous of his boss.

Where my dh worked at the time, he had the option of 2 weeks @ stat pay or 1 week full pay + 1 week of holiday (he obviously took the latter as we couldn't really afford the former)

First time round I would have really appreciated the 2 weeks followed by some part time weeks. In part because I was very upset after the birth, was also in a lot of pain (put my coccyx out) and it was all quite a shock (having never been alone with a baby before!)

Second time round I used Independent Midwives. They kinda insist on 2 weeks of rest - a week in bed and a week of getting up but not getting dressed and rushing about kinda thing. They also visit many times after the birth so I think that time I would have preferred dh to have an extra week. We basically spent his 2 weeks with him running after me while I lazed about. I think also second time round you know a bit more what to expect and I had better support generally.

Octaviapink · 17/05/2010 17:55

My husband got the statutory two weeks, and he took it about three weeks after the birth. I was pretty confident I could cope with the baby if he went straight back - it gave dd and I a chance to really get to know each other. When DH took his time off the baby was a lot more settled and easy to be around, so he spent his two weeks leave more or less playing XBox games with her asleep on his chest!

Skimty · 17/05/2010 19:22

I think that you often hit a realy low at about 5 weeks when you're sleep deprived and the excitment has worn off.

DH has always taken a day or two off around the birth and then a week later on (about the 5 week mark)

Hevster · 17/05/2010 21:16

My DH took 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks annual leave with DD I found it quite helpful as it enabled me to venture out on my own leaving the baby for the first time and he found it good as he felt really involved and bonded with dd before going back to work. I think he would have felt very left out if he had gone back earlier . However he will prob only take the 2 weeks this time but then hopefully we will be better at it ths time!

fragola · 18/05/2010 08:09

My DH took two weeks paternity leave and then two weeks annual leave spread part-time over 4 weeks. This worked really well for us, and was a more gentle adjustment for me being on my own looking after ds.

first1 · 18/05/2010 10:40

My DH is splitting his two weeks up. So will be having 2 days off every week for five weeks. That way I'll get a helping hand over a long weekend but will also give me three days a week to bond with the baby by myself. I'm 40+1 now so this leave plan should hopefully be implented imminently

first1 · 18/05/2010 10:42

oops bad typo, meant implemented.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 18/05/2010 10:48

very interesting reading about scandinavian countries!

Dh took his 2 weeks paternity leave immediately after the birth (born at weekends)
it was great to have him around but it was also good for him o go back to work so I could get to grips with how to do things myself. (it had to happen eventually)
he went back to work for 2 weeks then had another week off.
we were very lucky that he managed to work very good hours when he was back so he would go in around 9.30am and be home by 5pm.
it was so good.

Good luck with everything - enjoy

Nymphadora · 18/05/2010 10:59

I'm having a section and as a teacher the only way he can be off for that is to start his leave that day.Approx date is likely to be 2 weeks before half term so hopefully I will have him around for 3 weeks.This should get me up & about to sort the other two.

I think that you do need your dh at first & he needs the chance to bond.If he can work shorter weeks/days for the first few weeks after Pat leave that would be good too. Then he can give you chance to rest/cook for you and he will get disturbed nights even if you are the one who gets up.

TheBride · 18/05/2010 13:48

Doesn't exist where I live! Even mat leave is only 45 (working) days.

Imagine DH will get a bit of flex as his boss is a good bloke but it definitely wont be consecutive days and depends what's going on when DS is born.

Dont want to use annual leave as we like to save that to go home for a few weeks

DomesticG0ddess · 18/05/2010 16:41

DS's birth was close to Xmas, so DH was able to take 2 weeks pat leave, then he had 2 weeks off over Xmas and New Year. I had a section, and was first baby and 4 weeks was great, but the longer the better as far as I'm concerned. I don't understand people who want their husbands back to work as soon as possible, but perhaps they aren't as helpful as mine is!!

I like first1's idea of splitting the leave over a few weeks, although if you have a section this perhaps isn't ideal. Fragola, that is a good way, second time round I think I will suggest this to my DH tonight!

CMOTdibbler · 18/05/2010 16:45

DH had 2 weeks off once DS and I were out of hospital, and then worked 3 days a week for the 5 weeks after that as he had saved up annual leave which was lovely as we got to spend lots of time as a family

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