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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Husband meltdown pre birth!

16 replies

Mae34 · 05/05/2010 09:25

Hello - just looking for a bit of advice and reassurance on this one...

I'm 37 weeks with our first baby and in the last 10 days or so my DH has started to get really funny - he's not coming to bed until 2 am, is distant and silent most of the time and wont tell me whats wrong...from a few limited conversations he has agreed to (mostly me asking him stuff, him replying in monosyllables!) it seems to be he is finally waking up to the fact that a real life baby is due in a few weeks! I think he's worried that life as he knows it will end for ever! (before we go married he was a real free wheeler - did a lot of travelling, never really tied down by anyone or anything). He has been really positive and excited up until now (talking to the bump, coming to classes etc) although quite blokey about it all - ie not as obsessed as me!

So...any suggestions? He's not much of a talker, hasn't responded to me encouraging him to chat to his family, mates...I do think he's totally justified in feeling anxious - I am too! But just want to find the best way to help... did other peoples partners react like this? Did it settle down once baby arrived (I'm sure to be replaced with different worries, but you know what I mean...)

Thanks for any ideas/ advice!

Mae

OP posts:

Octaviapink · 05/05/2010 09:32

Will he tell you what he's worried about? Is it the change in your lives? Is he worried about something happening to you during the birth, or perhaps that he won't be a good father? Hard to know how to tackle it unless you know what it is that's bothering him.

Original poster

Mae34 · 05/05/2010 09:38

Hmm - I'm pretty sure its the very understandable "whats going to happen to our life" worries - it would be a lot easier if he would be a bit more talkative about it! I suppose I was wondering whether to leave him to it - I always find for me talking helps but sometimes I think it just stresses him out more! And maybe there are things he cant say to me because he thinks it'll upset me by being less than totally excited/ enthusiastic...

OP posts:

EggsandBacon · 05/05/2010 09:52

Hiya,

This happened to my mate, her husband suddenly seemed absent prior to the birth of their first baby, she was really upset about it. He was just scared as it turns out, but that only came out later. If it helps, he was brilliant once the baby was born and is a very hands on Dad!! And was fine before the second one was born, he looked forward to that a lot more.

As long as you give him space to talk, and let him know that it's ok to have a lot of worries about things at this stage, then you've done all you can and he will hopefully just work it through in his own head. My DH is like this too, it takes him a bit of time but he is listening to what I say deep down.

Good luck with everything!!

xxx

SolidGoldBrass · 05/05/2010 09:57

He probably is just worried (no matter how much you both wanted the baby, it is a huge change, and I expect you have had your spells of 'WTF am I doing' as well) and will be a lovely doting daddly.
And if he is not the type who is keen on analysing and discussing his feelings, trying to persuade him to do so will make things worse and, to be fair, people have the right to be reserved and process things in their own way.
However, he doesn't have the right to be rude or unkind to you, no matter what he is feeling. So while you can leave him to sort his own head out to an extent, pull him up if he says unpleasant things or is seriously unhelpful.

cardamomginger · 05/05/2010 10:01

Well, he's been positive and excited so far, which is great and a good sign. But if he's not much of a talker, then this might just be his way of working through any anxiety about the impending changes. He might not need to talk about it in the same way that you or I or someone else might. If his behaviour is stressing you is there a friend or relative you can chat to to help you deal with it? That said, if his coming to bed at 2.00 am is disrupting your sleep then he needs to change that - but that's something you could maybe address and negotiate without him feeling pressured that he has to start talking about all the underlying reasons for his late nights. I think that as long as he knows that he can come to you if he needs to talk about something, I'd just leave him to get on with it. And you don;t need to spell that out to him - he'll know that he can based on the relationship that you have. Final thought - I know time is a-ticking, but is there a nice treat or evening out that you could both have together so you can have a nice bit of normal baby-free bonding? Might show him that it's not all about the baby - life is still about the two of you as a couple.
Good luck - and congratulations!!

MarineIguana · 05/05/2010 10:03

Reassure him and say you understand, you're scared too. And tell him that after the birth it will be very hard at first and a huge change and you might think "wtf have we done?" - but - you do adjust, it gets easier and you can actually do the things you did before. We are proof - we've done all kinds of trips, holidays, activities with DS, we're in bands, we have nights out - now we have a new baby it's all on hold for a while but after a few months we intend to again. (And that's with no family help)

IMO it helps if you are flexible and will go for lunch with baby napping in the buggy, take baby to festivals with you and let them stay up once in a while etc rather than having a very strict routine that means you have to be at home. Talk to DH about how he thinks you can approach this, get him involved in making suggestions.

Also I would try to book yourselves a nice weekend in a hotel or cottage (within reach of a hospital!) before the birth, go out to the cinema while you can, and/or suggest to DH that he has a weekend trip with mates, etc.

Good luck with everything.

Original poster

Mae34 · 05/05/2010 10:04

Thankyou ladies - thats reassuring just to hear others have had the same and its all been ok...and yes - I totally have WTF moments so ought to let him do so too! (and he isnt being mean or unpleasant at all -maybe I'm just too used to him being very sunny tempered!)

OP posts:

Carikube · 05/05/2010 10:11

My DH was a bit like this before the birth of our DD - he was very excited, got involved in the antenatal classes etc but then just a few weeks before the birth announced to me that he wasn't ready and was worried about every aspect from the birth through to the responsibility of bringing up a child. We had a bit of a chat about it and established the fact that he would never feel ready but he just had to live with it.

He turned in to a fantastic birth partner, is a wonderful father who adores his DD and we are due DC2 any day now (though again, he's going through his phase of not feeling ready).

He has admitted to me that it is hard for him to feel involved/attached to the baby before it's born as he obviously doesn't have the physical link that I have so maybe this is something that your DH is also feeling - it's only when he actually sees his DC that he starts to get excited.

Original poster

Mae34 · 05/05/2010 10:13

ps some good suggestions and advice- we have just had a couple of weekends away and he is off this weekend cycling but I will definitely try arranging some stuff in next week or so for the two of us - a nice meal or cinema maybe...

Thanks again - what a nice first post experience!

OP posts:

LooL00 · 05/05/2010 10:35

I wonder if people have been winding him up a bit about not being able to do things when the baby's arrived? People do.

Original poster

Mae34 · 05/05/2010 10:38

yes - actually now you mention it - some friends who are newish parents have been quite "oh well thats the end of you ever doing x/y/z/sleeping etc" - which although may be true (!) is not going to help him feel positive and hopefully isnt the whole story!

OP posts:

sazlocks · 05/05/2010 10:44

sounds totally normal to me. My DH went through this after the birth of DS1 and it was a bit of a shock to me. When we talked about it later he admitted that he had felt scared and trapped etc We now have DS2 and he went through something similar after his birth but we were able to talk about it and understand why it was happening. I found the Relate book "Babyshock" really helpful in understanding what was happening when we had DS1.
Good luck and congrats

AandO · 05/05/2010 10:46

That's true, people always do the your life is over thing to new parents. Life isn't over but it does change.

However we were surprised at the number of things we can still do. We always loved lying in bed on weekend mornings (no surprise there) and sitting for hours in cafes reading papers. We still do those things! Ds sits in between us with his toys or story books (he is 3.5) and we eat breakfast in bed and frequently lie around until 11am, and when we go to cafes I take a small box of toy animals along and find I have to drag him out of the cafe after 2 hours - I kid you not!

StarExpat · 05/05/2010 11:15

Mae, My dh was like this toward the end...when my waters broke, dh told me I had most likely "wet myself" and that baby wasn't due for 2 weeks yet, and to stop worrying meanwhile I was getting more and more wet. I told him to call in to school (he's a teacher) and tell them he'd be off for the next two weeks because we'd have a baby soon and he was actually hesitant to do so... when we got to the hospital and the midwife explained that the baby would be delivered within the next 48 hours... and then I started having contractions... he then understood. 36 hours of labour later, his sole focus in the whole world was our beautiful DS. He is a fantastic doting daddy now even 19 months later.

FlowerBee · 05/05/2010 16:04

My DH had a bit of a similar meltdown when i found out i was pregnant - even though we had agreed to start trying for a baby. He also gets very anxious whenever we talk about the birth, either getting angry or going very quiet.

I think like a lot of men, it seems, they are never truly "ready" for a baby as it's such a life change any many don't have the over-riding "baby hunger" that women have. Luckily i managed to convince him to talk to his parents about it initially which reassured him. But i'm expecting a second meltdown any day (31 weeks)!

In his family, his dad developed stomach ulcers from the worry of raising two children and his uncle developed a drinking habit supposedly linked to his reluctance to having children. That was a previous generation, but i gather at work there's still a fair bit of banter about how now "he'll never be able to do x/y/z ever again"! Bloody men. My poor DH was utterly convinced that no-one goes on holidays by plane with a baby (a last-minute holiday to Mauritius during my 2nd trimester proved this not to be the case!).

I guess we just have to reassure them that they still will be loved by us, will still be able to do most of the stuff they did before, that they can only do their best, and that we are there is they want to talk.

Good luck

DoulaKate · 05/05/2010 18:40

HI Mae, it does sound like he's just worrying. I think lots of dads-to-be feel like this. Are they going to be good fathers? What if they don't bond with the baby? How the hell does the baby get out??? You may want to buy a book regarding birth (not too graphic) and leave it in a prominant position so that he can pick it up when he's ready to flick through. eg Fathers at Birth by Rose St John or Call Me Dad.

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