Holidays

[Bumblelion]

Me and my husband split early last year. I went on holiday with my two eldest children (9 and 5 at the time) to Spain for two weeks in August last year leaving the baby (10 months old at the time) with her dad. Although I missed her like mad, I knew I couldn't have taken her with me as I had been through a bad year, mum having breakdown, husband leaving me, new baby, etc. I also went with two friends who had children roughly the same age as my eldest two and I would not have had such a carefree holiday if I had taken the baby with me.

It all kicked off while I was on holiday - found out ex had spent both weekends, one of which was a bank holiday incuding the Monday, at his girl friends house with MY baby (the "my" is in capitals as I felt she was my baby and not his girl friend's). Felt very jealous and just made me feel worse as I was missing her so much. Anyway, I made him leave the house the day before I came home saying if he had any respect for me he would leave as he had said we were no longer together about 7 months before but he was still living in the family home.

Anyway, he moved into a friend-of-a-friend's house and then found out just before Christmas he was now living in his girlfriend's house.

Anyway, he has booked a holiday for him, our children, his girlfriend and her daughter and is taking them all to Zakynthos for 2 weeks all-inclusive on 10th August.

I felt I had two choices ...

(1) Stay in England, work my normal days and miss the kids like mad, or

(2) Go on holiday with my mum for two weeks and miss the kids like mad.

Am going to Majorca on 11th August (couldn't get any flights for 10th August, same day as him) and fly back on 25th August (day after him) but he has got a late flight so I wouldn't get the children back until the Monday anyway.

What I am worried about is the effect on my youngest (now 20 months). She sees her dad twice a week and although she is good with him, if she had a choice she would choose me (or my mum who looks after the children the days I work) first.

I know this is not my decision - this is something my ex. wants to do with his children and it is his choice to take them on holiday for two weeks - I am not making him have the children so I can have a "girly" holiday with my mum, but I am still fretting about my youngest. Although she is with her elder sister and brother, I think she is really going to miss me (as I am all of them) but I am also worried that she might build more of a bond with the girlfriend that she has with me.

I just wish I could convey to my youngest (as I can to my elder two as they can understand) that I am not abandoning her and that she will be having a lovely time with her dada and I will be seeing her "soon".

How do any of you others cope (or how would you cope) in the same situation?

Bumblelion, there is no way your youngest will think the girlfriend is her mum or build more of a bond with her than with you, I promise you. You're her mum and no-one else could be the same to her. I do understand why you're feeling that way though. What would ex say if you asked him to leave your youngest because you're worried about her missing you? Would he understand? I think it is understandable given her age, especially since she doesn't really know him that well. If he won't agree I don't suppose you can really stop him although I know it will be hard for you. Although I don't suppose he will get to know her if he doesn't spend time with her will he, so I do have some sympathy for him too on this front. She will have her siblings with her too and he is her father and not totally unfamiliar so I'm sure she won't be traumatised and will end up having a lovely time too. I don't think you can explain the concept of time at that age though from what I remember.

I think you should go and do your best to have a lovely time on your holiday with your mum. Can you keep in touch via text if you want to know how they're doing? Maybe you could also send small pictures of yourself with your older ones and ask them to take special care of their little sister. I do know a bit how you're feeling - ex dh took ds to India on holiday last year and I was anxious (riots in the city at the time) but I do/did know that ex loves his son and was capable of looking after him (relieved to see them back though!) and I did think he was completely entitled to take him on holiday. I was glad that he wanted to too. I do think it's important that fathers keep a close relationship with their children after divorce and it means that we just have to put up with missing them sometimes.