Geting scared and anxious about impending birth, and rather hysterical actually!

[violentviolet]

Terrified about the upcoming birth of dc2, it's occupying my every waking moment and keeps me awake at night too. I don't have a birth phobia, I'm just a wuss who hates pain and fears being out of control.

Everyone around me keeps saying "Not long now!" and reminding me how many days I have to go and I feel like telling them to piss off.

Every time I try to tell anyone how scared I am they go "You'll be fiiiine" in this singsong voice, whereas I just feel like every time someone says you've only got x days to go they may as well be saying "oooh only x days til you break your leg!"

Also really stressed because of mil issues - stupid things like she'll announce the birth on facebook before I've even had the chance to call my family to let them know, and that she'll insist on dp going to fetch her from other side of the country as soon as the baby arrives, which may mean me having to leave hospital early so I can look after both dc etc

God I could just cry I'm so anxious about it all. I need to put my foot down about the last couple of things I know but I'm such a hormonal mess I can't think of a way of doing it without sounding like a bitch!

OMG your MIL sounds like a nightmare!! I'm feeling ranty just thinking about that - you are perfectly entitled to put your foot down on that stuff and there is NO WAY you would be a bitch for doing it - surely unreasonable for your MIL to expect your DH to go pick her up when you have a newborn? Definitely put foot down!!

I won't offer any platitudes on the birth bit, having never done it, and I'm petrified too so totally sympathise. I think it's ok to be anxious and I hope it all goes ok and wish you the best of luck.

Thanks, mil isn't awful but she can be inconsiderate and selfish at times, and when anyone has a baby is one of those times unfortunately. There's a lot of things she did last time which have made me dread the birth this time, none of it terribly big stuff but because I'm at the end and hormonal it's seeming like a big looming issue.

I'm trying to be rational but I can't bear her doing things like trying to wake my sleeping newborn up because she "wants to see its eyes" (so do all the other visitors but they just wait for the baby to wake up as is polite) or shoving her unwashed fingers in its mouth to feel it suck and to check for teeth. She did that all the time last time, it made me shudder!

I wish I could just tell her outright "Please don't do that" but I tried last time and she ignored me, which is why I feel anxious and like I don't want her here (because of the above actions, not because I hate her or anything) She also seems to want to get too involved when I bf, not just with advice but with her head virtually in my cleavage and staring throughout while I feed, not giving me any privacy.

I'm sorry, I'm just terribly stressed and I can't seem to calm down about any of it.

vv, do Hypnobirthing. I did it because I was terrified about giving birth. I ended up looking forward to it. My sister and friend both did the course after harrowing experiences 1st time round and also went from being wrecks to being totally chilled about it.

The course was £250 when we did it 2 years ago- if you can't/ don't want to spend the money, you can buy the book from Amazon. Not sure if you can get the relaxation CD too. If not, I'll happily send you my CD.

I don't think it necessarily makes for a pain-free experience, it just gave me the ability to cope with whatever labour threw at me. It should be on the NHS, bloody marvellous.

P.S. it's your OH's job to sort his mum out! We had different problems (MIL is a homeopathist, kept giving DS remedies, had 'opinions' on his healthcare, was appalled when we vaccinated etc etc) but similar in that it was stressing me out and I didn't know how to make her stop. DH had a serious word in her ear and she's been much better (but not completely reformed!) ever since. Could your OH let her know that she's stressing you out?

Can you get your DP to deal with her - might be easier for him to be firm with his own mother. Also easier for him as he hasn't got all the hormonal stuff going on that you have, and after the birth especially he will be in a stronger mental and physical state to stand up to her. Could you insist that you as a family (i.e. you, DP and DCs) need a fews days after the birth to bond and get to grip with things quietly together?

Re the birth itself, I'm dreading the 2nd time too so not much reassurance there except to say you're not alone. It is IME the most hideous and traumatic thing ever, but then again I keep telling myself it's only one day (or two... or three... depending on what happens!).

Good luck.

x-post with hairymelons!

Thanks, I think I'm probably too late for hypnobirthing, only got a couple of weeks to go now, could it possibly help in that time?

I do want dp to deal with her, I need to have a talk with him but I know it'll end in a row as his mother can do no wrong in his eyes, so I've been putting it off which hasn't exactly helped my stress levels. I just wish there was a way of speaking to him which would disarm him and let him see things from my point of view before getting defensive.

i feel for you re mil. has she never heard of trains?!!where are you and where is she? i bet we could find her a pretty direst line to where you are..or near enough so that your dh could nip and pick her up 30-60 min away.

tis ridiculous expecting him to drive for hours just to get her.

understand too about the fingers in mouth,i reeeeally hate it when people do that. and old lady did it at ds's christening and i was baulking,i just wheeled him off asap,muttering about getting him off to sleep.grim!how would they bloody like me to shove my dirty,gnarled finger into their gob?!!(my finger is not dirty or gnarled by the way!)

i can relate too,about the birth.this is my 3rd dc and i had a sweep this morning..have been having tummy ache since..and am bricking it!!

think it's only natural to be scared of pain though.
not much you can do except keep your eye on the prize

good luck

It's definately not too late. My friend did it at 36 weeks. Anything that is going to make you feel less stressed about the impending birth has got to be worth a shot.

I think just physically doing something about it helps- to me it felt like this big, awful thing that was going to happen to me and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt so differently afterwards, like I actually had a stake in what would happen and, anyway, I could cope with it because I had all these tricks up my sleeve. But that's just me- I found it so helpful that it's hard not to enthuse

This might sound a bit wierdy but would writing a note to DH work? That way you can do the whole explaining that you don't hate his mum, just a couple of things really stress you out and it's going to be hard enough with a new baby etc. and is there any chance he could ask his lovely/ wonderful mother to not do a/b/c. It is a bit extreme to leave a note I suppose but maybe that way he'll see how much this is stressing you out and that you don't want to fight about it.

Good luck with it all. Hope DH remembers that it's his job to look after you whilst you get to grips with a newborn

violentviolet I really feel for you! But agree you can make your dp handle your MIL. And there is NO WAY he should be going to pick her up when you need him more!

I never tried hypnobirthing, but the first time I was pregnant I also got v nervous coming up to the birth. For me it was the not knowing - what it was going to feel like, how I was going to cope - so many unknowns. But I found that what helped me was just walking down the street and looking at all the people thinking "well, they all got born somehow, and all these women are walking around like it ain't no thing, so it MUST be do-able"

Hi VV, perhaps you would be able to relax more about the actual birth if the mil issues were resolved, thats a lot to contend with on its own!

I think you are overwhelmed with the whole situation,and I'm not surprised!

First, your DP needs to know how stressed this is making you, the main aspect being her expectation that he will collect her after the birth leaving you with a newborn and DC1

Don't worry about sounding like a bitch, just ask how she is planning on getting there as he will be needed!

Perfectly reasonable, the other stuff is, to be honest things that ultimately you have very little control of, the finger sucking I would suggest getting some hand gel and insist on EVERYONE visiting using it before they handle the baby! Kind of makes a point about germs in a subtle way!

And at least you have made sure hers are clean if she feels compelled to stick her finger in!

The facebook thing, is her own ignorance, MIL's are a law unto themselves and as you already know mothers and their sons are a force to be reackoned with!

So, instead of letting it upset you, just try and look forward to your exciting new arrival, focus on yourself your DC1 and your DP.

You are not a wuss, labour bloody hurts theres no getting away from that, but it is a means to an end, meeting your little DC2 sometimes knowing what to expect is worse than not knowing!

I'm 37 weeks pregnant with DC3, and also have a 'well meaning' MIL!

I have learnt to embrace the rough with the smooth (her turning up unannounced beeping the carhorn outside having already tried to let herself in the back door when I was in the shower to attract my attention V's her tackling the ironing pile!)

My biggest fear, however, having two sons is that one day I will have a MIL thread going about me!!!

Please try and enjoy your last few weeks of pregnancy, good luck x

2 top tips - read Childbirth without fear and try out a hypnobirthing CD/session - try and release your fears as much as you can and just look forward to meeting your DC2.

I embargoed the news of my DDs birth.
Told noone and forbade DH to tell either.
This gave us time to get to know DD, and for me to retain some control.
As for people handling the baby, this was on my terms only. But then, it's the way I do thing, I am known for taking no hostage. Not everyone likes it though.
It's almost impossible to predict how any birth will turn out to be, but could you ask your DP to arrange for the 4 of you to be together as a family before anyone else gets involved?
Best of luck, this is such an emotional time, you deserve to have your nerves spared.