Single Mum To Be - What help is there ?

[msjayjay]

Hi All

Sorry a bit long to start.

Well the miracle is my baby to be. At 40 I am in my fourth pregnancy. My first baby was born prem and died at 4 days followed by a miscarriage then an eptopic. This led to me and my ex partner splitting up and I never thought I would have any children. I got on with life and last year moved to Bimingham to study and started a relationship with someone I had know for over 2 years on the internet. The relationship started dieing out in November last year. he had gone very quiet and we didnt see each other all that frequently plus he was always coming to mine and i was never invited to his or to meet any of his friends or relatives. I also didnt quite trust him as a few things never added up. I found out I was pregnant early December and promptly told Dad to be. He promised he would not sherk his responsibilities and would help out. He visited me just once the week after that, I even went into hospital the week after that and he didn't bother to find out how I was for 3 days. He promised to come down and never turned up and even cruelly sent me a message saying he would contact me on my birthday which he didn't. He never replied to any emails or messages left and constantly has his phone on leave a message. I gathered by February he didn't want to know. However I did find him on the web and a profile talking and linking him to his new GF. I sent her a message to say I was pregnant and she told me she knew on the day I told him but he said the baby was not conceived in the relationship. He owes me money and as yet has not contacted me.

Anyway thats the story but I am now 28 weeks pregnant living on my own in Birmingham I do not have any friends or family here and basically am isolated. i am getting help from a pregnancy support worker but want to find out what else i could get involved in. I really need to break the social isolation and would love just to sit and talk to mums to be, mums, single mums and single mums to be. Being on my own means I overthink things and sometimes makes me stress out when I dont really need to.

Has anyone any advise or thought?

Also a question I cant answer and not sure if anyone can but how can a man walk away from their future child ?

Oh yes I am definately on my own he has not been there at all. I went for a growth scan today and all was suberb and at last I gloated a bit because he missed out on something so special.

My main concern is support. There looks like there is pleanty of support after babies birth but not now and things like just basic shopping is becoming harder. There is a lot of support for teenage pregnancies which includes single mums to be but at 40 I am begining to think there is not much, I know there won't be loads of people in my situation but just wondered if anyone has any ideas.

I don't just want to be involved wih single mums to be any groups really.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - despite your back story, you must be over the moon!

I made friends at my NHS ante and post-natal classes - ask your midwife if they hold post natal ones as they give you a focus to get out of the house once the baby arrives - it's easy to feel isolated in the daytime even if you have a partner, so definitely make the effort!

The NCT do coffee mornings - put your postcode in here to find your nearest one...

And as thesecondcoming says, Surestart centres are all over the place and they run support groups and baby music classes and things like that - definitely contact them.

I think there's an organization called gingerbread that I've heard highly recommended for single parent families, maybe look them up and see what they do in their area for support and stuff?

OP
Bless you, I'm a single mum, have a two day old baby and a 3 yr old.
My 3yo hasn't seen his dad since he was 4 weeks old, despite him telling the world what a commited and wonderful dad he was, he went back to America and never came back to visit, then moved on to another women (but won't sign out divorce papers another story.
I met up with an ex last summer and fell pregnant on the one occasion that we got together, turned out he had a girlfriend, he made a bunch of promises about how he'd be, but never followed anything through, he's saying he's telling people he'll visit his newborn within the next week but I doubt he will.
The main strengh I have is the fact that I do not rely on what any man says now, you can only rely on yourself.
The fact that you're having a baby is wonderful, that's a great gift and no man will ever come near how you feel about your baby, and it gets stronger all the time.
I was alone while pregnant too, moved to a new city with no family and friends here.
This city I am in has been fantastic for support, the children's centre especially, having a support worker there is brilliant, I wonder if you could ask about similar suupport, certainly when you have the baby there will be lots of support. Ask your midwife, doctor, look online, there's different prganisations in different cities.
You could have a support worker come out to see you, a counsellor can also be helpful, force yourself to go to groups or ask a surestart support worker to go with you, they've helped me so much, came with me to hospital appointments and all.
If you lived here in Notthingham I would be able to point you in the right direction, but I'm not sure what's in Birmingham, but keep looking, you need support.
And congrats on baby x

msjayjay
not sure how you are in social situations, but I found some groups a bit daunting and went quiet.
The groups I DID find helpful though, were short courses, ones were you HAVE to communicate and be with others in order to do tasks, talk things through, breaks the ice much easier and gets everyone talking.
If you can do some at a surestart centre then the people attending you will carry on bumping into in the future too.
I did a cookery and childcare course, I'm shy, but now I bump into the other members at the supermarket and say hello and such, it's nice.

Thanks All,

I Have a few phone calls to make, I can at least find out about the places even if there isn't much for before baby is born. I am just going crazy all on my own but I know all will change.

The hospital have been very supportive and I do have a pregnancy support worker who is helping regarding housing etc. I am also going to have someone who will help me when in labour and for coming home as I dont have anyone to go through the birth with (cant remember the name of the charity).

Other then that its just making sure I am prepared and to stay positive. After all its all about my little baby and our future together.

You might be able to get the NCT classes for free depending on your financial circumstances. That's a great way to meet people pre-baby.

have they got someone to birth with you? I had to use a doula

Where i live they have a bumps to one group at the local community centre (it may even be a sure start centre) i.e it is for women to meet others before and after the baby - big age range and if you came to ours you would not be the eldest! Maybe there is something similar - if you speak to Children Services at the local council they should be able to tell you where the nearest centre is located. Another service is called HomeStart
www.home-start.org.uk/homepage

is it financial suport you need or just support support? financial support is easy if you can swallow your pride and ask for it, citizens advice online is pretty good for all you need to know. help with income, childcare, cost of newborn baby, housing if you need it.

when it comes to suppor support, one totally committed parent, is better than one totally committed parent being undermined by a man who is less than useless.

there are usually some really good local groups that are on where you can meet people in similar situation

oh and on the topic of getting support for a teenage pregnancy, thats only true if you're a chav. im 18 and i cant get any financial support because i live with my parents and am actually trying to finish my exams before the baby comes (sept). if i dropped out and ran away, i'd be showered in benefits. which sucks because i need income support for my part time job, to be able to move out, and i cant move out because i have no money. i've no idea how its going to work!

Hi Pumpkin I am working on the financial support its just the social side. It seems like you there are certain holes in what support you get depending on circumstances with me there is not a lot where I live as it is apparently an affluent are, square pegs and all that.

Its great that you are carrying on studying and very brave of you taking your exams I am sure all will benefit you and baby later on. I hope you can sort out your finances and it doesn't discourage you.

Best of Luck with the exams.

just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy! Im a single mum to be too xx

Hi there I think you can get sure start grant for £500

1pregheadpumpkin who told you you can't get financial support? Are you under the impression that you cannot get income support?? I don't see how that can be true at all.
If you're 18 you should be getting income support, child benefit, surestart vouchers and EMA, that's actually a good amount combined, back when I was under 18 they counted EMA as income so substracted it from income support, now they don't so you get it as extra.
Of course you can move away from home if you really want all that extra responsibility, all you need is a deposit for a place then housing benefit will pay the rent.

1pregheadpumpkin
You will be showered in benefits as a direct result of being in education thanks to the Labour government.
You will get £30 or £40 extra a week for being in education. You would not get that if you dropped out.

Mumtotwoboys....as pumpkin has not had baby yet and she is still in collge its correct cant get benefits in her own name. As soon as the baby comes her parents can give up her child benefit and she can claim the benefits for herself and baby.

Ohh if it's got something to do with baby not being there yet...
It's just that I claimed everything while being under parent's roof, baby had been born though

Yes benefit rules completely different whilst baby not here yet...

sorry if my posts are snappy, bloody awful day! god so tired
going to try and take my 3 day old + 3 year old back to bed byee

they arent snappy at all....mine may be thought RSI in wrist...must turn off laptop.

Good luck with getting sleep.

OP You will be fine. Try a few groups and see which ones you get on with- be willing to make friends and you will soon be fine.