Pls help - when to tell SIL (who's having IVF) about my pregnancy

[MrsZebra]

Hi All
I have a lovely SIL who is currently on her 2nd cycle of IVF. We get on really well and she loves my children to bits. The problem is that I've just found out I'm pregnant with DC4 and I really don't know how or when to tell her. She is having IVF at the moment so my husband and I have decided not to tell anyone as we don't want to put any pressure on her either way.
I'm also worried what to do if she does get pregnant as I don't want to take any limelight off her.
She'll find out in a couple of weeks whether she's pregnant or not so I was going to try to hold out for a couple of months after that to break to news to anyone. (i'll be four months by then.)
I know we'll get negative comments from family as we will have four children and it seems so unfair. But my husband and I really want this baby, which will be our last.
If I could change her situation in anyway I would but I just want to get telling her right. I'm a really caring person, who isn't an attention seeker so happy to play down this pregnancy as much as necessary. Any advice would be great.
Thanks

Gosh what a difficult one - i would say it already sounds like you are doing the right thing holding off on telling her for now as it may cause more stress when she really doesn't need it. I would suggest though that when you do feel ready to tell people, definately tell her first and do it face to face. Try not to worry though, you are obviously a very caring friend to her so i'm sure all will be ok.

Finally congrats on yoru pregnancy!

not exactly the same, but we had fertility problems and it took 2 years of trying and fertility drugs to get pregnant 1st time round. I used to find it really hard when friends announced they were pregnant, even though I was happy for them.

From my experience i would say it's best to tell her alone/just with her husband rather than in a big family group, perhaps even over the phone so she doesn't have to fake being happy for long! And make sure there's no chance of her finding out unexpectedly from someone else first, that would be tough.

I would pick your words carefully - perhaps something like 'I wanted you to be one of the first to know, as I know it might be hard for you, and I really hope you get good news soon and we can be pregnant together...'

I'm not sure whether it's best to tell her now, while she's still hopeful about ivf, or wait til afterwards - if it works then great, but if it doesn't work she will be even more vulnerable and then to find out you are pregnant might be too much. I guess it depends how you think she would react.

Good luck - and congrats!

Thanks. It's good to get some views. I think I'll wait and see what happens with this round of IVF as I wouldn't want to add any stress at all. I think it's a good idea to tell her over the phone so she can burst out crying without worrying about upsetting us. And she'll be the first person to know.

Hi - I am in exactly the same situation, now 37 weeks but my bro and SIL have been trying for 6 years to conceive and i "fell" pregnant without trying for the second time. I talked it over with DP and decided to phone SIL and tell her pretty quick. She is a lovely person and like your SIL she loves kids and has many neices and nephews. I did it over the phone so she didn't have to conjur up a happy face and i was as honest as i could. I played down the fact that i didn't mean to get pg and was lucky enough that our relationship meant i could say feel free to think negative thoughts about me for a while. She was predictably lovely even though i know it must hurt. I think you're right to wait until the latest cycle of IVF is over though because added stress is not good for fertility but I would recommend telling her as soon as you can because the sooner the telling is done, the sooner she can get her head round it. As for negative comments from others, ignore them as you are clearly very happy to be pg. Good luck.

Not the same but after I lost my babies (esp my later losses after 20 weeks) it was extremely painful to hear of other's pregnancies. It was unreal how many people did it in an insensitive manner. One announced her happy news in the same phonecall I told her we had lost DD at almost 24 weeks. Another text me about a mutual aqauintance who was looking 'very pregnant' a few days after my loss etc.

It hurt alot and I really appreciated those sensitive people who were pregnant but while not avoiding me (that can hurt too) asked about me and our situation and didn't go on and on about their own joy/good fortune. When I did get pg, it was difficult that some people were further on than me as there was pressure on that all had to be OK with my baby as well as theirs. What if I lost it and had to watch them all happy with their new baby/constant reminder (as had happened before).

From your post, I can see that you are very caring etc and I have no experience of infertility so it's just a guess.Congrats and hope your SIL gets good news very soon too

I agree with Sqeezyb apart from "I really hope you get good news soon and we can be pregnant together...'"

When I was in the throes of my upset over long term TTC I had people say this kind of thing to me all the time only to see another 9 months slip by without a sniff of a pregnancy.

I always felt that there was no chance I would be 'pregnant together' with my fertile friends as I couldn't see why each month would be any different to the last.

MrsZebra - what a lovely SIL you are, I wish my SIL had been so thoughtful when she announced her pg very insensitively when we were going through a difficult cycle (ultimately disastrous!) of IVF. I agree with either telling her over the phone or by herself and be prepared for tears. She will be happy for you deep down but I'm sure she will be incredibly hurt too - not your fault at all but she may push you away for a while.

My best friend fell pg with #3 by accident when we were trying very hard with fertility tx for our 2nd child. We'd had many conversations about how she didn't want any more and she had always been very supportive and compassionate about our situation. She told me by text as she knew that I'd be upset and she didn't go overboard about how it was an accident and how they weren't overly happy about it (even though I knew that would be the case). She also didn't apologise for getting pg so easily - that's one of the worst things you can do, so patronising. She kept in touch frequently over the next few weeks and we got used to the idea together lol. Very happily I conceived a few months later and she cried with me when I told her, just as she'd cried with me when I originally told her about our problems. She's an amazing friend.

Anyway, I'm waffling now! You sound like a great friend, I'm sure however you tell her your friendship will be fine. Fingers crossed that you can soon celebrate both your pregnancies together.

Z xx