Don't know if I can do it - please help

[HyacinthsDaughterinlaw]

I am 38 next month and 5 weeks pregnant with uplanned 4th baby. dd is 5, ds1 4 and ds2 is 6 mths. which means that like the first 2 there would be a 14mth age gap.

I am a working mother for financial as well as emotional reasons and feel that I can cope with this pregnancy in normal circumstances, however, dh is in the army and will be posted to Afganistan for next 3 months and then again in November for 5 mths which means he will miss the birth. dh is a brilliant father and completely supportive of my decision but I don't know if I can cope with being pregnant, working and going through the birth alone. In addition to the above (thanks to the army ) we have to move house in 3mths.

It all feels like to much and I am seriously considering an abortion. Given than I could not bear to consider a later abortion I feel I have to make a choice in the next 48hrs. Any advice, thoughts, anything would be welcome. I am at a loss.

Crikey. Unfortunately, only you can decide what to do next. I don't think anyone can give you advice on making this kind of decision. Maybe try to put yourself in the position of how things will look in say, 2 or 3 years time. How do you think you will cope and feel both with or without baby number 4? How strong is your network of friends or family around you? Is there a good support network at the next base you're going to?

Oh I'm sorry you're going through this. What does your husband say? (Although obviously it has to be your decision) I think the advice of trying to picture yourself in a few years and trying to imagine life with/without another child is a good idea. Your circumstances might be a lot more settled. Are you moving far away from your friends and family?
x

No-one can tell you what to do here, this has to be your decision. Whichever way you go, you are going to have a hard year ahead of you. I can't think whether it's easier to deal with the joys and tribulations of a newborn or the pain and guilt of not having that child. Either way, you'll be doing it alone some of the time. So don't make the decision based on your husband's posting alone.

And house moves, yep, crappy but not for long. You will survive it, I've no doubt you've coped with worse before.

Good luck with your decisions. Hope it gets better for you soon.

Thanks for your responses. I have a great childminder locally who has been brilliant with all of my children, however, we are considering moving closer to my parents and large family which will help. I am worried about the next 9mths because I have the most dreadfull ms and it was hard having 2 14mths apart before so I know that the next 2-3 years will be hard work.

I wldnt feel guilty.If you really feel you wont be able to cope do what is right for you.Good luck.

It has to be your decision and if you fell you really can't cope then it will an easier one to make.

Although I don't have a problem with abortion particurly when the partner is not around, like Beeny I wouldn't be able to go through with it as I'd be more worried about feeling guilty forever than about coping.

If abortion would be only due coping with pregnancy reasons, I wouldn?t do it. No matter how hard, the pregnancy only last 9 months. You might regret all the rest of your life.. Maybe you could get some temporary help from your family, like your mother-cousin-sister to come and stay with you during the pregnancy?
If you want to terminate due to broader reasons, then the decision is yours?

It is your decision, but I would bear two things in mind-

1. You cannot 'undo' the pregnancy. Having a termination won't take you back to the place and time before you got pg. You will be different. You may not feel guilty, but you will more than likely think of the pregnancy from time to time. A termination terminates, but does not erase the pregnancy IYSWIM.

1. You must be sure the reasons you terminate or go through with the pregnancy are your own; ie not just circumstantial pressures, because you will find a way round those- you may end up resenting those around you if you feel they have forced you to do something you didn't want to.

I suppose what I am saying is that there is no nice way out of this one unfortunately

Its so hard and its such a mess I am still undecided and I realise that it can only be my decision. I know that everyone (with the exception of work) will be supportive even if they think I am mad.

I am also I am 38 how did I get into this mess!

a practical thought; have you approached the Army Welfare Service? They are around to support wives in exactly this kind of situation. In my experience, they can offer emotional support whilst you make your decisions, and certainly can continue to do so throughtout your pregnancy (if you chose to continue with it). They should also be able to help with practical things, and have a direct line in with the Chain of Command; so for example can make your case if you needed your hubby home at some point in the tour or similar.

I know there can be stigma in the forces community approaching such organisations, but they are totally confidential, and in my experience, a great tool to access. If you want any more info, just shout.