Late miscarriage....

[NinjaTurtle]

I have just found out that one of my best friends have suffered a late miscarriage in the last week. It was her birthday recently, but then her waters broke days afterwards and had to give birth to a stillborn baby. Obviously she is devastated by the loss of her DD, and of course my feelings are in no way comparable to how she is feeling, but I am also pregnant, only one week behind what she would have been, I am currently 21 weeks and she was 22 weeks. I saw her today and could not find the right words to say to her. I had my anomaly scan last week, and indications are that my baby is also a girl, but obviously I could not bring myself to tell her this when I saw her. Now I'm feeling incredibly guilty, because on one hand, I want to feel excited about my own pregnancy, but on the other hand, I am feeling so sad for my friend and don't know what to say to her without making her feel worse. Also, this has driven it home that after 12 weeks is not considered to be out of the 'danger zone', at that things like this can still happen. My scan showed no problems, but then so did hers, so now I am terrified that something will happen to my baby, but I feel selfish for thinking this, as my friend needs support, and I don't want her to think I am uncaring. I just don't know how to feel/what to do or say

I'm sorry about the long post, I was just hoping one of you ladies may have experienced something similar and would care to share your thoughts/feelings.

What a horrific situation. I've never been in your position but a friend of mine lost her baby at term and she said that for a long time afterwards it was very hard for her to be around friends with babies. I've heard that said by others too - I think it's an unavoidably awful aspect of losing a baby. So it might well be difficult for her to see you, but at the same time of course you want to let her know that you're thinking of her.

If you can find a way to let her know that you're there for her, whilst not putting any pressure on her to talk to you if it's too raw and difficult, that might be best. Better anyway than not saying anything at all, whilst also not focusing any of the conversation on your own - totally understandable - awkwardness and guilt. If you don't think you'd be comfortable, or she'd be comfortable, talking about it face-to-face (especially in these early days) then perhaps a card or letter?

Also, I think if you post this in the pregnancy loss/miscarriage section you might get some more replies.

Hi,

I'm so sorry about your friend's troubles. Speaking personally when I miscarried at 20w it both helped and was torture to speak to anyone about it. In my opinion, if you can sympathise without trying to compare or categorise the loss it's best. Let her lead the way and just be there to listen. Sometimes I was grateful for a friend who would hear me out, and sometimes all I wanted was a chat about something else and a normal day.

Take care.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I had a smiliar experience last year when we lost our DS at 22 weeks. My close friend was pg and due only about 4 weeks after my due date. I did find it hard to see her at first but she was very supportive and let me organise meeting up in my own time. I try and be positive and think things happen for a reason so I can cope seeing her DS & other children around the age my DS would be. Think it also helped that I got pg again after only a few months, I'm now 31 weeks, so I found it easier to cope with.

I think the best thing you can do is just be there for your friend as and when she needs you.

Thanks for the replies.

missedith01 and Jadey1, I'm sorry for your losses, I just can't imagine how it feels

I have sent my friend a message to let her know that I am thinking of her and am here for her when she is ready, and she replied saying thanks, so I guess I'll just wait until she feels she can talk to me, she has a partner and her mother, so she isn't having to go through this alone, it's just a terrible situation for her to be in at all.

NinjaTurtle - its a hard situation to be in, but you did the right thing sending her a message, now just leave it to her to be in touch, it might be hard for her to be around pregnant women or small babies, even worse I think if its a first baby (because if its a 2nd or subsequent baby have the older child as a comfort).

Sadly these things do happen (rarely), as Lunatic Fringe pointed out there is no safe time, of course the chances of anything going wrong do reduce, but it would be very naive to think that after 12 weeks you were guaranteed a baby at the end of it. I see threads entitled "is it too early to buy stuff at 15 weeks" - well its not if you can cope with all the stuff in your house if anything happens. I know someone who lost a baby at 37 weeks in a cord accident (cord round leg v tight) and another who had a stillborn at just before term as placenta stopped working.

NinjaTurtle - I agree with MumNWLondon in the sense that you need to leave it up to her to be in touch now. I have a friend who unfortunatley can't bear to be around me since she miscarried around 14 weeks ago.
We have definantley drifted apart - but hurt as i was at first - it's ok as i know she is going through such a hard time of it. I would far rather her work through her grief in her own way and if that means she can't hve me around her well so be it.
Just give her time.

I'm so sorry for your friends loss Ninja, i'm not suprised that you are feeling so mixed up about it all, what a horrible time for the both of you.

I lost a baby last year at 14 weeks and one of my best friends was just a few weeks behind me (she is actually due in a couple of weeks now). I found it difficult with her and still do because she wasn't there for me and didn't reach out to support me when i needed here most. Instead she just tried to sweep it under the carpet never mentioning it, probably her way of helping but it has driven a wedge between us that i'm not sure can ever be truly fixed.

I would say to always be there for your friend and talk about her baby with her - acknowledge her daughters existense and offer a shoulder to cry on. It may be particularly hard for her around both your due dates so perhaps do something special for her then?

Finally please try not to worry, there is never a totally safe point in pregnancy but the odds of a healthy baby at this stage are very much stacked in your favour. I'm now 22 weeks pregnant again myself and i'm equally petrified but am starting to believe that this time it will all be fine. Take care of yourself xxx