Giving birth, childcare and no relatives nearby

[KarinG]

Hello,
Just wondering what others might do in our situation, as i guess it is common enough - I'm due in August (so have some time to think about this issue yet!) and have a DD already who will be about 2.5 at the time. None of my DH or my relatives live nearby (at least a 3 hour car ride, if the traffic is good) so i was wondering what we should do around the time of my EDD. I appreciate that these things cant always be planned, but we have asked my MIL to come and stay for the week around my EDD with the hope that i'll go into labour and she'll be around to look after DD. Now it's transpired that FIL is also going to come down - they are lovely people, but i find him quite hard going and i dont really want him around when i'm in labour or trying to slob out at home when heavily pregnant. I cant say to him that he's not welcome as it'd be really rude and he'd get offended, so it's either both or none. We are planning a home birth, so it could all go smoothly and this all be a worry over nothing, but if i did have to go to hospital at the last minute, if MIL/FIL werent there we wouldn't have anyone to look after DD so DH would have to stay at home and i'd have to give birth with only the midwives for company - maybe wouldn't be so bad i guess. Am i worrying over nothing? What would / did you do? We can line up a friend or two to look after DD, but probably only if they had a bit of notice (ie rush to hospital not enough notice).
Sorry, a very long post but hopefully someone has some sage advice??
Karin

but you have friends to ask

if a friend asked me to help even with 5 minutes notice i would do it

am sure your friends will help you out IF you have to go to the hospital

We are in a similar situation. I don't want anyone staying at my house while I am in late pregnancy. We hope to have a home birth, but knowing what labour is like, it is still important to have someone around to look after other kids if she gets upset and you need your DH with you.

Anyway, after calling a lot of childminders and nanny agencies who either didn't get back to me or declined, we found a lady who usually works as a doula to help out. She is going to be 'on call' to look after our kids when I am in labour for her normal doula fee. I am particularly delighted because she is used to being around women in labour so will know how not to be intrusive, unlike having a nosey relative or friend around!

I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house if I was having a homebirth I would find that very intrusive. Personally if I was in your situation I would ask the friends and forget the inlaws.

Ask your friends, I'm sure they won't mind. I would be happy for any of my friends to call me at the last minute at any time of day or night in this situation. Can't imagine giving birth with my own FIL around!

Maybe the friend option is the best one - i was just assuming that they wouldnt want to come over at short notice, but then you dont know if you dont ask. I like the doula idea and will investigate this, but i suspect it will be a bit too expensive for us. Ideally i'll go into labour and give birth whilst DD is at nursery, but that would be very lucky...!
The more i think about it, the more i think having the PIL down is a really bad idea - imagine if FIL came into the room with a cup of tea or something for me when i was giving birth (he is hard of hearing so entirely possible that he wouldn't realise what was going on unless we made it quite clear)and ended up seeing my bum - i'd never be able to look him in the face again!

we called a friend who came and took DS back to her house and then called in laws who live 2 hours away. Friends were thus incovenienced for about 3 hours while in laws packed, panicked and drove down, and they then picked DS up from our friends. No way I could have someone staying at the moment (due in 3 days). I even cancelled my parents easter visit coz I do not want visitors at all even for the afternoon.
You also have to accept (I think) that DH won't be about so much as he was with DC1. My DH was there for the birth, came up to hospital once to bring snacks and once to pick me up. With DS he was there most of the time.
Also will your older one be at nursery/playgroup by then? When I have had sudden need to get to hospital with this pregnancy I have called DDs nursery and managed to get an extra session booked - gives a little more lee way with the time. And is a big ask to have them there week of EDD - what if you are late could have them there for 3 weeks, don't they have things to do/life to lead ?(I'd use that line to unwind the arrangements IYSWIM)

I think you need to have a list of friends that could come over in an emergency, I know that I would do this in a heartbeat if it was for one of my friends. Just ask them if they would mind being able to come over and have a bed made up (and a box of thankyou chocolates handy.

I agree if I was having a home birth I wouldn't want anyone staying.

We're in a similar situation except my inlaws live 6 hours away! We've arranged for my MIL (luckily FIL has to work) to come down a week before my due date.

I too was really worried about what would happen if I go into labour early. We've not lived here that long so don't know that many people. I was so surprised at the number of offers we've had though - everyone I've mentioned to that MIL is coming to look after DD has offered to help out if the baby comes early without me even having to ask. We now have a list of 3 or 4 different people we can call on in an emergency. Worst case scenario, if I go into labour early we'll ring MIL and tell her to make her way here then ring a friend to pick up DD once I have to go into hospital, so at the very most DD will be at someone's house for a few hours.

By the way, I don't think it would be too much to ask that your FIL doesn't come down til AFTER the birth. After all, I'm sure he wouldn't want to be around you giving birth would he? They would probably understand.