Sibling Gap

[Chinchilla]

So how many years do you all have between children? I am contemplating planning another for when ds is around 3 (at the earliest), because I figure that he will be potty trained, and able to do a lot of things for himself by then. Is that wise? He will be 2 next month, so it is too late for a really short gap, but I haven't even CONSIDERED having another one before now, because he has been so much hard work.

He seems to have become so much easier lately, because he understands me, and I am now beginning to feel that I could cope with another baby and him. What do you all think?

My ds is 3.5 and will be 4.2 months when his little bro or sis is born. The gap just happened, to be totally honest I was selfish, I wanted to return to work part time and do a few college courses before child number two. I have one last short course to start in september and then I will be qualified enough to start my own small company when baby is 6 months and ds is at school. I don't think I could have coped with a closer age gap, ds is pretty clued up for his age and understands a great deal now if you sit him down and chat to him. I think a few years ago it would have been hard for him to understand( a friend of mine has one at 3 one at 6 months and one on the way and the 3 year old is really being disruptive since she tod him about brother or sis number 2 coming along.) She is dreading it. There are three years between my bro and I and 13 months between my sis and I and we are all really close. It really is when you decide and you will know when the time is right.

Chinchilla - it's swings and roundabouts really as there are disadvantages and advantages to having your children close together or far apart. I have a friend whos eldest is 10 and she's expecting her second now, although the children won't perhaps have that sibling relationship the mother will have an awful lot of help and support from her child as she'll enjoy playing mum. I have 19 months between my two and yes having two in nappies was a nightmare but we wanted to get the grotty sleepless nights over and done with quickly. We can but hope that they will get on and be really close when they're older but you never can tell.

There will be 17/18 months between our two, all being well. I am close in age to both my siblings and wanted the same for my kids. Although it sounds like hell in the first year or so, things then vastly improve when they start entertaining each other.....

There's 18months between my brothers (their twins) and myself and we're very close, we were often mistaken for triplets when we got older as we all look similar. It was great growing up with them as we could all play together.

There's nearly 3yrs between my dd and ds we wanted it to be less but things didn't happen that way.

I think it's more to do with the way the children are raised than the age gap. Children need to know that it's not one rule for the younger child and another for them, or they get jelouse.

Chinchilla, I was wondering in what ways your DS was difficult. My DD was, relatively speaking, quite easy. When I have DD2 (we know she's a girl), DD1 will be 2 and 9 months. This is approximately 6 months sooner than I had planned it in my head, but accidents happen. . . I've always wanted at least two, but not so close together. In my view there are too many factors involved to create one ideal age gap. From the perspective of the mother's recovery from the 1st delivery, the ideal gap is a minimum of 18 months between delivery of the 1st and conception of the second. In other words, the ideal gap from the perspective of mother's recovery is a minimum of 27 months between the 2 kids. From the perspective of sibling rivalry, I've heard it said that the ideal gap is a minimum of 3 years. But if you read this thread, it sounds as though there are is definitely sibling rivalry with larger gaps than 3 years.

He is demanding, won't eat, runs around from morning to night. He is a lovely boy as long as he is doing what he wants to do. Don't get me wrong, I adore him totally, I just don't have enough energy at the moment to cope with another! As a baby, he never slept for longer than 1/2 hour at a time in the day.

Aside from the sleeping, he doesn't sounds so bad Good luck with your decision. If I wasn't so concerned about my own age, I would love to have spaced my children out.

chinchilla - I think we had very similar experiences, my DS (now 22 months) had horredous colic, cried for 3 hours every night from 1 week to 15 weeks (and I mean EVERY night!). He wouldn't sleep in the day unless pushed around, would only sleep in my arms at night, didn't sleep through the night until 8 months. It was really, really hard and took its toll on my relationship with DP. I couldn't even contemplate having another for a long time but recently I've really started thinking about it but like you I've been wondering about the gap and didn't want it to be too long.

Lots of people I've spoken to (including one friend who has 5 aged 10-2) all said it's not really the age gap but the personality of the children that determines whether they get on. I guess the smaller the age gap, the easier it is for them to do things together and that this in itself can foster closeness. I'm one of 4 and am closer to my 2nd brother who is 6 years older than me than I am to my sister who is 2 years older than me.

Arh i was just having the same conversation with dh a few moments ago about this very subject, i have been at home for 1 yr with dd and would like to return to work pt and term time only if poss, but would also like a second child but wondering if i have left the gap to long. But having read this thread i feel fine about the whole thing what will be will be, tiny worry is don't want to start a job and then have to say two/three months down the line mmmm pregnant.....

What's so bad about that Slink? You'd get paid maternity leave!

I agree with Aloha, Slink. I got a new job, and got pregnant completely by mistake 6 months into my new job. I felt really guilty at first - I don't know why really, but now, I just think that's life and it happens all the time. In any case, I'll be back at work after maternity leave.

Chinchilla - my ds is 9.5 months and I am 5 weeks pregnant so there will be 18 months between the two. I know that will be hard work but when do kids ever stop being hard work?!
Slink - know what you mean about announcing you're preggars soon into new job. I went back to work in May and then went part time 6 weeks ago. I now face having to tell them I'm going to be leaving again when they have done a lot to accommodate me. Feel bad but hey, they'll manage!

Can you really plan these things though? unless you are super fertile of course. My dd took over a year to conceive and after I had her I was told I had a retroverted uterus and it does USUALLY take longer to get pregnant. So when she was about 1 we decided if it was going to take a long time maybe we ought to stop using contraception, but not try as such, because it would take a long time. Then low and behold I fell pregnant the first month- hence a 22 month gap between dd and ds.

Congrats, bluecow. I feel the same way about work. It'll always be there, anyway.

I'm coming round to the idea that there isn't an 'ideal' gap , it's just what nature works out for you. I lost a baby in June...had I not, there would have been just over two years between my dd and the new baby. I had always wanted our children to be fairy close in age and thought this gap was PERFECT. It's still difficult to accept that any age gap will be considerably greater than what I wanted, and I get jealous when I hear of friends or other people with smaller gaps than what I'm going to have (am not preg at the mo) but I guess it's something that I need to deal with. We're ttc now, so maybe we'll be just under the 3 year gap instead!
Hana
x

Thanks tinyfeet!

Bluecow, hope you're not as nauseous and sick as I was from week 5. Good luck!

My ds1 was just under 2 when ds2 was born and it seems like a lovely age gap - he has accepted him well and they seem happy together already at 6 months. I did have a very ill pregnancy though and felt bad about not being able to leap around with ds1. that would probably deter me from a 3rd at least until ds2 was at nursery school

My ds1 was just under 2 when ds2 was born and it seems like a lovely age gap - he has accepted him well and they seem happy together already at 6 months. I did have a very ill pregnancy though and felt bad about not being able to leap around with ds1. that would probably deter me from a 3rd at least until ds2 was at nursery school

Thought you might all be interested in something I heard on the radio recently - a lady rang in requesting a song from a year that was very special to her - 1996. The DJ asked why it was special and she said her children were born in that year. He said, oh you must have twins then, and she replied that she had two sets of twins in 1996 - the first in the January and the second, prematurely, in the December! Awesome! I was sitting in my car at the time having driven half way round Surrey to get my twins to sleep (one set!) and I thought whenever I'm having a bad day or think they are hard work I shall think of this lady!

Tinyfeet - my nausea kicked in just as I went into week six with ds. If it happens, it'll be anyday now. It was all day every day and miserable. The tiredness has already set in and I'm stuck at work having a v. busy and demanding day and all i want is a nap!