How can I tell her? Should I wait?

[queenofthehouse]

I fell pregnant this month despite using contraception and not planning to at all, we are now over the shock and very pleased. I am very close to my friends however and I know one of them desperately wants a baby and may react in a sad way as she previously had time off work when finding out another friend was pregnant. I was thinking I should wait and tell her after my scan but now I don't know if I should do what I would normally do and tell them straight away, I don't want her to think i've kept it from her either...I know she'll come round and be happy for us eventually but last time I told her I had something to tell her (it wasn't that I was expecting) she said 'you better not be pregnant you pipped me last time.' I have a little boy and she doesn't have any children yet. What would you do? I haven't tild any of the others as I don't want her to feel hurt I have left her out. Advice please.

Its fairly usual for women to wait to tell friends / family until after the 12 week scan so not telling her before hand can be rationalised. If however you normally tell her before then, try to find a way to tell her on your own so if she is upset, she can be private about it.

just be tactful and don't say it was not planned. Maybe say it happened quicker than you expected so that's why you didnt mention you were trying. If you say you are pregnant despite contraception she will feel awfully cheated if she has been trying for a long time.

Has she seen any specialists for help conceiving?

or if you wanted her to feel a bit better you could even tell a white lie and say you have been trying for a while but thought it best not to mention it as you were uncertain how long it would take to conceive. That may make her feel better about the time she is waiting to conceive.

No she has been saying for years we are going to start trying in three months and then she says they are waiting another few months for whatever reason. At the begining of her relationship her partner made it clear he didn't want children but she said he had changed his mind and that is when she started to say we are trying in a few months and a few months have turned into a couple of years now and she also got checked to see if there was a problem with her fertility yet she insists they aren't trying. It's very confusing so either way if it's because her partner is putting it off or they are trying but don't want to discuss it (which is completely fine of course) still I am concerned she will be very upset again. Thanks for the advice, I see what you mean about not saying it wasn't planned, my partner has already said he would rather people did not know that anyway.

I dont think it matters when you tell her, so I'd tell her whenever you feel you would normally.
I dont personlly think you should lie about ttc, you haven't done nything wrong! Perhaps dont go into details unless she asks, be tactful, as I'm sure you would anyway.

i wasnt suggesting lying per sa just a way to be more tactful as the OP is clearly worried about upsetting her friend.

Sounds like your friend is very unhappy. I hope things work out for her the way she wants.

Thanks for your replies, I will find a way. You never know she may surprise me and be completely fine. I know we've done nothing wrong but I just hope my happiness doesn't rub it in as that's how she seemed to feel about that other girl. I hope she does have things work out the way she's wishing for too.

I would tell her a little while before you you tell lots of other friends if you can. And then tell her that you are going to tell others. It will just give her a little bit of time to sort it out in her head before it becomes the latest topic for discussion among people.

Congratulations too

I had two very close friends not tell me until after the 12 wk mark. They knew I'd been trying for a couple of years and had had a MMC. I'd been open with them about all this so frankly, I found their reasoning quite patronising and insulting to our friendship - as if I wouldn't have been pleased for them!!! Yeah so having people falling pregnant around me felt like a big slap everytime it happened - but I would have been happy for them and had anything gone wrong, then I'd've been there for them. It was more hurtful that they thought they couldn't tell me and I've told them so. Anyway I've got over that now.

Thanks for advice MissusRabbit and thank you for telling me that shipsladyg, I haven't told anyone else yet for the reason I would hate her to think she's the last to know because of her situation, I love mumsnet for this-I can ask any question anon and get good advice back. I can see how you would feel worse and patronised but I hope you could see they obviously care an awful lot about your feelings. I think I needed to put myself in her shoes like that, i'd definately not like my friends to keep it from me. I may actually talk to her before the others though rather than spring it on everyone over lunch as tbh I think they will all be shocked as my little one is only one.

We didn't tell anyone until we were over 10 weeks (not even grandparents), so I would have been shocked if friends felt they had a right to know any earlier.

Having been in the same position as your friend, tell her when you tell everyone else. Tell her face to face and in private, and make sure that there is time after you speak for her to get herself together before dealing with other people (i.e. don't tell her just before she goes into work, or when you are about to meet up with friends). Respect her reaction - however she reacts it will not be about you or your baby. She may want to talk to you, she may want to leave immediately, she may head off to the loo and 'disappear' for a minutes to gather her thoughts - let her do what she needs to do.

Once you've told her, keep in touch so that you leave a door open for her, but don't deluge her with updates on your pregnancy.

She will come round to the idea in time, but it is very hard to cope when it feels like everyone else is dropping babies all over the shop.