Rubbish friends or me being expecting too much from people?

[jo2885]

Hi all, I've just recently joined mumsnet and am finding the discussions very interesting and sometimes funny!

I'm 24 yrs old and 33 wks pg now, and am getting restless and bored!

Anyway, the main thing I wanted to ask was, are any of you experiencing the same thing I am with so called old friends? I have a lot of young and single friends, who know nothing about pregnancy or babies, and I don't know if i'm just being overly sensitive, but I feel like they are not interested in meeting me anymore!

I have one or two girlfriends who i'm still seeing often. But the rest are crap! They never come to visit, and tbh I don't have the energy to go and trek across London to meet them.

Shouldn't it be obvious that they should visit me instead of vise versa!?!?

One example, a girlfriend of mine who was one of best friends at uni, calls me every month or so saying "we should SO meet up, i'm gonna throw you such a brill baby shower!!"

But she hasn't even seen me pregnant!! I'm 33 weeks!! I feel like telling her just to piss off. {angry]

Sorry just noticed annoying grammer mistake in title, I think I had two sentences in my mind while I was writing!

Sadly, it's just another pregnancy symptom, endemic to women in their twenties. I suffered the same.

now I'm nearly 30, my friends are breeding and they still don't want to meet up in case my strappy 4 and 7 year old eat their PFB baby!

strapping

Same as codtits. Its just one of those things. Its why for a while you end up going to things where there are other mums who yuo dont know if you have anything in common with except babies til things settle down and you find friends with things in common again

happened to me im afraid. I didnt lose all my friends but a few, - one of my friends who is always saying how we have to meet up still hasnt met my nearly 2 year old daughter... and keeps telling me how she'll come and see the new baby! I just nod and say sure sure. You will meet mums with babies the same age as yours if you go to baby groups which i suggest you do. Youll need the network and i always find it more relaxing going to a friend who has children than a friend who doesnt, as i dont have to worry about the effects of my DD crying or whatever as i know my friend understands.

dont let it upset you, it's part of life.

Unfortunately there will always be some people for whom a friend with a baby is somehow rather tedious. They see a pregnant friend as being unable to join in on the drinks, the clubs, the late nights so they write them off a bit as they're not sure what to do with you if you aren't doing the usual things you did before you were pregnant!
If they are true friends, you will find you see them again, if not then hopefully you will meet some nice like-minded fellow mums to form good friendships with.
Be as good a friend as you can be and then at least you know you haven't contributed to the break down of any friendship but be prepared that often one or two friends fall by the wayside if you're the only one having children when everyone else you know isn't. Sad but true.But there are also many great potential friends out there with children who you can form a bond with and who you will meet through baby groups, clinic weighing-in sessions, toddler groups...

Hi, I can see this from the other side as kids weren't on my agenda till my 30s and a couple of my friends had them in their 20s, and sadly, I've lost touch with them.

I think there are a couple of things going on here.

First, do your friends actually understand that you are tired, don't feel that great and can't go to see them? If you've never been pregnant, you probably just don't know that things have changed and you're less able to make the trip. Also there's probably a part of them that thinks that your priorities have changed that you are less interested in seeing them. I think that you need to make it clear to them that you would love it if they made the effort to come to see you and that you'd love to be able to go and see them, but you can't.

Secondly there is a practical aspect. When we were younger we'd all meet up in town in the evenings because it was a mutually convenient location and we all worked in the day. Clearly that doesn't suit you any more so you will miss out on a lot of get togethers. It's not a slight against you, just what's easiest for the majority.

I do think that if you really want a meaningful relationship with these people, you do have to make some effort and not assume that because you have the baby, the onus should always be on them. One of the reasons I got fed up of maintaining the friendships is because I was always the one having to visit and my friends would never make the effort in return. It does get tiring after a while, especially if you are also growing apart because your lives are very different.

I was in the same situation a couple of years ago, and I have lost touch with a few people, but most I do see from time to time, just not as often as before. Can I ask a question - do you actually invite them to come over and see you? I found that once I had actually extended a specific invitation (e.g. Sunday lunch / Saturday night supper, etc) then most were willing to trot out of London to see me. I think they perhaps thought that I had loads going on when actually the reverse was true. Oh and I tried not to talk about pregnancy/babies unless specifically asked!

And you'll meet all your friends for pregnancy / baby chat at antenatal classes/baby groups very soon.

Lives change, and friendships either adapt and grow or they fall by the way side.

Also remember while your pregnancy/new baby is the biggest thing in the world to you it really isn't that interesting to other people. Especially if they are not in a similar place yet.

Thanks a lot for all your comments Its good to know i'm not the only one going through this..

I will try to let the crap friends know that I would like them to visit me more, but I fear, most of them are just not interested, as you said Morloth.

I've met a few mums in the antenatal class, unfortunately they all seem quite a bit older than me, but they seem nice so i'll make the effort to meet them since they're all due round the same time as me.

It seems such a shame that it has to be made so blatantly clear to people how much help and support you need when pregnant. Somehow I feel it is normal to want that little bit of extra attention and I don't want to have to ask for it! Maybe I do expect too much from people...

it's just part of life I'm afraid. I am also in my 20's (pg with second DC now) and have naturally lost touch with friends along the way - ones who are single and not interested in having a family at the moment. It's nothing personal, it's just that your lifestyle is completely different to theirs. There's no malice there. And also many people don't know what to say around pg women or babies so it can be awkward for them too. Hard to do it,but try and see it from their POV aswell.

Hey, I'm finding pregnancy is putting a gap between myself and a lot of my friends too.

The friends I have left from my school days I was already drifting apart from when I bought my own place and got married, as they are all still very studenty, live at home and drunk Fri-Sunday and I'd grown out of that a long time ago, financially priorities change and clubbing twice a week just wasnt for me anymore, I'm quite happy with a couple times a year if that, a quiet drink is much more my scene now! Haha! but since becoming pregnant they haven't really taken on board that I'm pregnant and tried to arrange a night out clubbing for my birthday!!!!! The drifting is going to continue I expect as they are not interested in babies or settling down at all. I'm sure they think I'm boring with my little happily married life....

I feel very out of the loop with my uni group at the moment also, after the initial congratulations about the baby there has been quite a bit of moaning about how things will have to change now, have made it blantently clear baby won't be welcome to stay at their homes for weekend gatherings, comments such as "you'll have to leave baby at your mums for the weekend when you come here" and when I said that I wouldnt be leaving baby with my mother regulaly for my social life I had comments along the lines of what a "clingy mother I'm going to be" etc. I was so upset and hurt by their comments cuz as far as I'm concerned I come as a family now and my baby will priority number one over social gatherings, and how dare they pass judgement on my parenting skills... Its not bloody clingy, that little life needs me.

I haven't really heard a lot from them since 12 weeks. (19 weeks now), however we are meeting up weekend after next so hopefully things will feel improved after that. Either way, baby will indeed still be my top priority, I understand that they dont and wont have the same level of interest I have, but as sad as it will be, if they cant be bothered to be nice about it or accomodating of my baby they were never proper friends in the first place!

Role on meeting Mummy friends I say!

I was in your situation. I am now friends with a whole circle of mum friends, all of whom are older than me (some of them more than 10 yrs). We've got our experience in common though, so those friendships are really valuable to me. DS is 4.5 now - this year we're going camping with 9 of those mums and their families! Have faith - you will make new friends,and the ones that matter will still be there.

Think this might be quite common amoungst young mums. I was 22 when I became pg and am nearly 30 (well, just 29) now and friends are only JUST starting to have kids, and most of them don't. They don't have a clue. Realistically, I dropped quite a few. The rest are good, loyal friends. believe me, the ones you drop aren't worth keeping.

It's true, you'll make a new circle of friends when you become a mum. It's a like a whole different universe! I still have close friends I see once every few months (who don't have kids) but I do tend to keep in touch with mums I met through antenatal class and have remained in touch with them since (that was 3 years ago!).

You move on, but it's a positive step forward.

jo2885 - Going through the very same as you, also 24, however alot of my other friends have all had kids and most of them are single parents, one of which i was there for her for all three of her pregnancies did video nights, ate in with her etc etc. Now that im pregnant and she has managed to get a live in baby sitter shes not interested what so ever cause she just wants to go out and get drunk, im 18 weeks pregnant and have decided that i do not want to put my self in that position with the way she is and with her kids too, so im looking forward to my new journey with my baby and hopefully finding lots of like minded mummys and babies to play with in the future. xxx