im pregnant my friend isnt.........again!!!!

[pinchmeimustbedreaming]

i found out a few weeks ago my friend was expecting, wonderful news as we were both trying her for 14 mths with an ectopic in the middle and me for 9mths i have just found out i am 6 weeks pregnant, about a month behind my friend. this is now the second time we have been pregnant at the same time and the second time she has lost her baby.
my husband and i really dont want to tell anyone about our news until 12 weeks but i feel such a fraud talking to her and supporting her through this hard time knowing what i know.
should i tell her? i really dont think so, she may feel i am rubbing it in her face and will probably deal with it better in 6 weeks time when she is coping with her own sad news better.
i feel soooo guilty yet again but i know i cant take away her pain. i know this isnt really a post with an actual question but is there anyone out there who has dealt with similar situation that can help? please

It's up to you if you want to wait, I would only say when you do tell her make sure she's one of the first to know so there's no chance of her hearing it from someone else. I'd do it alone and face to face if possible and say something like 'I know this must be really hard for you, so I wanted to tell you first...'

We tried for over 2 years to get pregnant, and had a miscarriage before DD, and I found it hard when I found out others were pregnant, even though I was happy for them. But a bit of sensitivity and understanding really helps.

Congrats by the way, don't let it ruin your happiness at your own news!

i agree...i was pregnant at the same time as my ex's sister (my sister in law at the time) and i lost my baby at 22 weeks i was devastated but she, who's due date was 3 weeks after mine gave me no support or didnt even call...she had a healthy baby boy and i had absolutely no hard feelings on her as it was certainly not her fault .......but then i called my little angel boy "Ronnie Brian" and she called hers "Reggie Brian" which i thought was very insensitive of her (both had same surname as she wasnt married)... you have done nothing wrong so as squeezy said dont let this spoil your happy time but just be a little sensitive with her xxxx congrats

My advice would be to gently tell her now.

A good friend of mine found out she was pregnant shortly after I mc'd at 15 weeks and she couldn't tell me until she was 14 weeks herself, which although I can completely understand why, it really really set me back, just as I thought I was okay.
It just hurt so much to watch her carry on where I should have been - it's not about jealousy, that isn't how I felt, I was absolutely delighted for her, but I wished I had known sooner to prepare for that overlapping time.
I wholeheartedly agree with squeezyb, that would be a lovely way to put it. Good luck xx

the only advice i can give is that at the time of either of my mc's i would have hated to have been pouring my heart out and then find out i didnt know..

not sure if this makes sense but i would rather know than find out later.. and i wasnt upset at any of my friends who were preg.. u would never wish it on anyone..

good luck x

I think if you've told nobody at all, it's fine to wait and just make sure she's one of the first, but if you've already told a few selective people then tell her now as otherwise there's a risk it washes back second hand via the grapevine.

Your right to want to keep it to yourself till 12 weeks is still valid.

thank you everyone, she is amazingly sensitive person at the best of times so i know i really do have to tread carefully. like iv said this is now the second time i am pregnant just after she has mc. she will be happy for us as she knows how the ttc went. still must be awful for her.
i can see pro's to telling her now and even though this is such a hard time for her my pregnancy is important too and we always said tell no-one until 12 weeks (my husband doesnt mind you guys). i dont want her hurt going from dealing with another mc (shes had 2 and ectopic) to hurt directed at me for knowing all along while she was pouring her hert out.
its a hard one trying to find the right balance. there is no chance of her hearing it on the grapevine as she doesnt have contact with my family or other friends.
i know she is going through one of the worst things a woman can go through and i know this could come out really selfish and could get some pretty angry responses but i feel like i am missing out again, on having my friend there for me through pregnancy and when lo is born. when my ds was born 7 mths after her last mc i didnt see her for weeks, she just couldnt cope but neither could i as pnd popped its ugly head up. what a mess wish i could take away her pain

While we were ttc we found out one of my closest friend had been through 4 IVFs and 1 ectopic pregnancy, I got pregnant very quickly after that and worried sick about how & when to tell her.
In the end invited her, her dh and her mum (who was visiting from abroad) over for dinner when we told fil (via bday card that said "happy bday grandad!"). They were the first ones to know.
It's hard to find the right way, what some people would prefer might be the other one's idea of hell.
I remember reading a lot of threads about it at the time and some people would have rather have a text so they could deal with it on their own first, others found this a bit dismissive and cold and would have been offended. If you talk a lot though I would tell her face to face. It would have felt wrong to text my friend.