Mother-In-Law Fussing

[OzKate]

I am going to sound so ungrateful here, but my MIL is beginning to drive me crazy! I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child (all going well, cruising along nicely). This will be my MIL's first grandchild (she's been waiting for years!) and she is already starting to get a little too involved for my liking. I know, I know, I should be thankful that she is so excited and so interested, and I am, but at the same time, I cannot bear being fussed over. Just as I was trying to get my head around this whole crazy journey, she's ringing to tell me that she's looked at prams and has asked which is the best one and found out that we can even put a deposit down, etc, etc. I feel like screaming BACK OFF please just a little bit, you know, they're the kind of things that I look forward to doing with my husband, at our own pace, when we're ready. We just came back from a few weeks away in Australia and she's been in our place (which is fine, we gave her the key and told her to feel free to drop by) but she's cleaned the oven, rearranged cupboards, washed towels, aarggh! My Mum already has 4 grandchildren and used to be a midwife, she is so laid back she is the complete opposite of my MIL, could understand my annoyance but said she'd love someone to stop by and clean her oven, why is this annoying me so much. I guess I just don't want to be her little 'project' for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I'm such a bad person, I feel so ungrateful, but if it continues, or gets worse, I may end up losing it! My DH can read me like a book as well and knows exactly what I'm thinking, which isn't fair on him.

Has anyone else had to cope with this, any tips? My sister suggested maybe giving her a special task to occupy her but I just don't know...

i can relate to this....though fortunately never have and never will give the MIL a key!!
I think all you can do is just smile sweetly at what she says and say yes and no in the right places and then just do what you and your hubby want.
She is excited...that is understandable, but eventually she will get the message that you want to manage on your own, but would ask for her help if you needed it.
Just be careful what you say...as once said you can't retract it!
And you never know you may actually like her intervention once baby arrives and you are knackered etc etc.
I remember being grateful for my MIL.....once....!

Thank you, that's very good advice, and, don't worry, I made sure I got that key back pronto! It's just my guilt at not being more grateful for her input that drives me crazy, if that makes any sense?? I was having a right old whinge to my sister about it and she totally understood but then reminded me that her MIL didn't live to see her children. That brought me back down to earth with a thud.

But sometimes it feels like it's got less to do with us having a baby and what may be best for us right now and EVERYTHING to do with her becoming a Grandmother...

Oh well, I guess I may have an annoying MIL, but I do have the cleanest oven in London...ha!

I'll second sonsmum's advice about smiling sweetly and then doing whatever you want anyway!

My PIL (lovely as they are) were out looking at prams and found the one 'they wanted' - we told them that was lovely and that they could have whatever they wanted, but the one WE were getting was a completely different one which they took quite well

They didn't seem so impressed with our next suggestion that of course, they could have another baby themselves and then buy whatever they wanted for that

Oh don't worry about feeling guilty. You're pregnant - you're going to find so many things to feel guilty about best to ignore all such feelings from now

I totally agree with sonsmum's post. I too have an aggravating MIL. This is our first baby, so it's a first grandchild on both sides - but my mum is very laid back (she cares for 1-2 year olds, and is very supportive of our choices) but MIL is the exact opposite. I'm 22 weeks pregnant, and so far I've had a) I've seen the cot you should get, I'll put down a deposit (before we have even seen it!) b) Are you having the baby christened, as I had my two christened and I think the tradition should continue c)I'll have the baby once a month, maybe on a saturday so that you and DH can spend the day together d) Take all the pain relief they give you, as you'll need it during labour!

This infuriates me, it really does, but to be honest, the best way I've found to cope with it is to smile and say politely that we're going to see how it goes. She's starting to get the message. I think if you take the smile nice approach, then it's easier for everyone - no arguments etc plus if you really need her help after the baby's born then it's easier too. I'm sure that she'll soon start to see that she can't decide, and that whilst having opinions etc is ok, you and DH are the parents HTH x

I had the exact same with my MIL when expecting DD1. I don't know why things annoyed me so much! She went out and got a second hand pramette for the baby even though we had spent a fortune on a pram that would be useful wherever we went, and spent the money on it for that purpose. she'd say oh it means you won't have to bring your pram when you come to visit! I had wanted to bring my pram! I loved it!

But my advice is take it with a pinch of salt, in my experience there came a time when some of the things my MIL and SILs said were really unreasonable but because I had got annoyed about wee things during my pregnancy then when I said about the bigger things no one took me seriously! Thankfully DP also thought they were unreasonable so stepped in!

So basically, save the effort of getting annoyed until it's really necessary! Easier said than done, I know!

PS I'm sure your MIL won't be as unreasonable as mine but babies do funny things to people!

Thank you all so much...sounds like you've all taken a 'smile and rise above it approach', which I think I can manage. I must tell you one of the pearls of wisdom she bestowed on me, I was getting quite bad acid reflux for a while, nothing a bit of Gaviscon didn't take care of, but when I told my MIL, she informed me that the baby must be a girl then and the acid reflux was because of all the hair....??? Oh yeah, that's just the kind of sensible thing you need to hear, if I didn't feel sick before that, I did after...gross! Hmmm, maybe we could buy her a dog, that would keep her amused...

Your MIL sounds like my mother! She is so excited she almost forgot the baby is mine, not hers!

I tried to explain to her that I want to make some decisions, and that it may be a little unreasonable and ungrateful of me but hey, I have the right to be a bit unreasonable in pregnancy, haven't I? I think it worked ;)

In the end she bought ALL the clothes and linens, and I'll take care of the cot, toys, pram and so on - which I consider the most important decisions. I agree that you could give your MIL tasks, things you don't mind someone else deciding for you.

In the end, we have to be grateful our families are so sweet (although it can be annoying!). I always try to remember that it doesn't matter how I feel, the important thing is that it will be great for the baby to have a granma who loves him so much. In the end, that's what counts isn't it?

I would say that there is no perfect pram its all down to personal opinion and circumstances and anyway its too early to buy one so you will not be thinking about it until after 25 weeks - and besides you don't want to miss out on any good offers nearer the time - although later in the pregnancy you'd be happy to hear her opinions.

Give her lists of things to get, that don't matter so much? Like others said, also bathbath, towels, bouncy chair, changing mat, sheets, grobags, baby gros, toys nappies.

My MIL kept on going on how terrible it was that I went to the gym so much and was I not harming her unborn grandchild etc etc, then it came out in conversation that she thought an occasional smoke during a pregnancy was ok - (she used to smoke, wouldn't surprise me if you smoked during pregnancy) at that point I just thought no point in stressing about anything she says.

That being said, if you plan to go back to work after you have baby useful to have someone to help you out in case of emergencies.

It can be aggravating, especially when you're excited yourself, but definitely take the 'smile and nod' route. After all, it's coming from love for the bump and you and dh.

Also, after baby arrives and your friends get tired of hearing every little detail about what your lo has done that day, both your mum and mil will be eager and willing to listen and discuss things like state of nappies, funny little noises etc.

Sounds like your little one is going to be very loved by you all.

whatever you do get the key back asap - or you'll never get rid of her!

your mil sounds so excited at the prospect of a little baby in her life again.
i think smile and nod is all you can do and then just repeat 'oh DH and i must start looking soon' or 'we have that sorted thanks' when she mentions prams and baby equipment in general

my own MIL fusses in different ways like diving for a cushion everytime i sit down, for my supposed sore back..which i dont have.

I haven't read the whole thread but how about giving MIL specific projects to focus on - like finding a spare pram/travel cot to keep at her house, making you some nursery curtains etc. That way she will feel wanted and won't take offence if you refuse other offers.
On the bright side it's going to be so amazing for you to have her to babysit in the future. This is worth a lot of interference IMO.

She cleaned your oven? I wish my MIL had done that. Instead she ironed everything - and when she had ironed all of that, she ironed my knickers too!

poor you, I have a similar one. my MIL found out when my antenatal appointment afternoon was and used to regularly phone up to enquire about all the details straight afterwards...and when we went to stay when I was heavily pregnant and overhot the PILs very carefully turned the heating up...so the baby wouldn't get cold!!
no seriously I agree with the poster again who says this baby is going to be very loved by all. it can be hard to take but smile and rise above it!

Sympathies! On the smoking thing, my MIL smoked throughout her pregnancies, has told me to have a cigarette twice (am a former social smoker) and over Christmas smoked 6 cigarettes in one hour whilst moaning that she'd had to move sofas to get away from me as I'm pregnant! I went to bed stinking of smoke and really annoyed.

She also called me fat (am a size 8 plus bump), insulted all the thoughtful presents I'd gotten and bought me + DH the cheapest, thoughtless tat you've ever seen.

Now that I've moaned I'll come to the point. I agree with post above that you can become the boy who cried wolf. I have moaned about her so much that I'm the one sounding petty. Meanwhile she has offered to come and stay for a week "to help me" and instead of thanking her and declining, I've been too vocal to DH, who - whilst knowing how annoying she is - thinks I'm being nasty. I say smile, say thank you and then avoid/ignore as much as you can!

I think in a way I had the opposite! My MIL was forever going on about how pregnancy wasn't an illness and she'd been able to carry on and do exactly the same things she'd done before etc. Which meant that when we were all on holiday together (I was 9-10wks pregnant at the time) no allowances were made for the fact that when I was hungry I had to eat almost instantly!! However, she is very generous hearted and mostly made up for it.

The only bind was when she kept ringing my mobile during labour. My Doula couldn't work out how to switch it off and it drove me nuts!!

Snap!

I have a very annoying MIL and have finally 'learnt' to repeat the following mantra in my head, "She just wants what is best for my child". However, at times it can be VERY testing.

Before DS1 was born (her first grandchild), she picked a 'theme' for the nursery (without asking me) and rocked up one day with matching nappy changers, mobile, decorations etc. I was so upset that I nipped it in the bud and explained that although it was very generous of her, that WE wanted to choose the nursery decor.

Needless to say, she went on to buy him 14 different blankets (I started to get the giggles every time she came over with another gift) which now just sit in a cupboard.

Luckily, my DS understands how annoying his mother can be and does step in when she has gone too far (like rearranging the nursery whilst I was in hospital giving birth!)!

Agree with the others - smile and nod, and give her something to buy that you don't care that strongly about - eg bed linen, blankets, a baby bath...

One thing I would say especially if she lives nearby is make it very clear BEFORE she starts harping on about it how you want things to be during labour/just after the baby is born etc. My MIL would have turned up and waited outside the delivery room while I was in labour if she'd had her way! And also assumed I would want her to come and stay straight away for 2 weeks when all we wanted was to be left on our own.

To be fair, this time round (am pg with no.2) she actually is coming to stay for 2 weeks, to help out with my older child and I am so grateful, so make sure you do stay on the right side of her!

OOpppss....my DH understands how annoying his mother can be

My DS thinks his mother rocks!

I really sympathise with the OP.

This was one of the hardest thing to get my head round when I was pregnant with DD and after she was born... the fact that other people had a stake in what I had thought would be 'mine' i.e. the pregnancy, my body and the baby.

It's a real adjustment and I still struggle sometimes to let go of DD and 'allow' my PIL to have their own relationship with her.

But I am really glad I managed to rise above it when it bothered me most (i.e. when I was all hormonal during and post pregnancy) because now I really like how much my MIL loves DD and how much DD loves her. And she is an incredible help when we really need it, despite living hours away.

And, of course, I know now that nothing comes close to the bond I have with DD, so I don't feel threatened in the same way.

The endless clothes that don't really suit DD and I would never buy mostly just get tucked into a drawer and forgotten about until they eventually find their way to the charity shop.

Can I echo what's been said about it having everything to do with desperately loving her family & trying to express it the only ways she can at the moment, through time and material things...

I totally get the feeling of intrusiveness you must have (my MIL once thoughtfully did my washing whilst I was away and ruined 3 cashmere jumpers) & how hard it is give up a degree of control over some of the purchasing decisions (I'd haved freaked at the nursery theme being hijacked & my heart did skip a beat last week when my MIL suggested painting an existing set of drawers for the baby instead of buying new) but Elmwood is spot on re it being a shift for us to get our heads round the fact that more people than just mummy & daddy are stakeholders in our babies.

My own mum was ill when I was very young and died when I was 11 so the fact that my grannies and my aunt were involved with me from a very young age was the key factor in me adapting fairly easily after her death & growing up relatively normal - I had my own room at my grandparent's house & I never though twice about who picked me up from school or whether I went on holiday with my grandparents instead of my parents.

So, as other have said, involve her & find a purchase or project that isn't particularly close to your heart and let her plan that to her hearts content. What about channelling your MIL into daydreaming about how they're going to spend their time with baby or how they might choose to re-decorate their spare room to accommodate their grandchild overnight? Or researching a list of the books or toys for 0-3yrs?

I know I already feel differently 15 years on about not letting my MIL help with my housework...I didn't need to say anything to her and she backed off, boundaries were established and we have a great relationship. I now realise looking back it was about control - I wanted me to wash DH's clothes, that was MY job now..If only she was to offer to do my washing and cleaning again, I'd hide the cashmere & show her where the Mr Muscle oven cleaner lived..

Elmmum sorry..Elmwood is a design agency I know well...duh.

Def have the locks changed! We bought a "how to be a good grandmother book" for my mum and MIL. MIL ignored it completely. But hey we tried!! MIL doesn't get invited very often and when she does its a case of don't touch the house!!! She' good with the kids though. One thing to remember is if you have a boy you'll be a MIL one day too x

You have my sympathies re the house cleaning, my mil did this when we were on holiday many years ago, cleaning from top to bottom including changing sheets, washing clothes. Part of you feels bad as you know she was only trying to be nice, but quite indignant at the fact she thought it was ok to do it and go through your things without asking! I knew she was (and still is) a cleaning freak, but it made me feel like she was saying we weren't clean enough and the place was dirty. Regarding the baby stuff, when she mentions about something she's seen, like a cot or pram, maybe some kind of gentle reminder that you are excited too and can't wait to choose one with your dh nearer the time, but give her something else to look for?