am i being selfish in cosidering pregnancy at 47

[mpi]

i have two children in their late teens, and i find myself very much wanting to have my final child. however, everything that i have read suggests that this will be a foolhardy and probably sad route if i ever managed to conceive in the first place.

but the desire to conceive is so strong - it is hard to ignore. has anyone else on this site been in this position?

Wish I'd never read this......All us poor older mums, how crap we are to have conceived in our 40s!

fifi, no way are you crap! On here most seem to be saying think it through but go for it if you're sure that's what you want. A lovely friend of mine is TTC at 43 and I do so hope she gets there. Doesn't matter what age she is, she'll be an excellent mum and most importantly she wants to be one.

I wish you luck if you decide to go ahead. I'm 39 with two pre-schoolers and I find myself wishing I'd had my children earlier as they drain all my energy, every day! I think people who have older children look back at this stage with rose-tinted glasses and forget how much hard work it is. Small kids are totally adorable of course ... but God, how I long for them to get a bit older, so that I can find just a little bit of time for myself. One of them also gets up at 5.30am every day ...

It's OK Smee I was being a bit facetious tbh. The arguments people have put forward are reasonable enough. Does me wonder what people really do think of older mothers though sometimes.

I have been sometimes self conscious about it but at other times I think - so what!

I've personally never felt self conscious about it. I do look fairly young for my age though, which may help.
All my Mummy friends are at least 13 years younger than me. In fact, I'm old enough to be Mum to some of them

fifitot, I think there has been a lot of judgment on this thread about older mums. I was a bit coming back to read this.

thanks for all the advice.
will probably think it over to the extent that even more time will pass and reduce the chances even more.
i know i want a baby, i am in a very happy relationship with a man who would be the main carer; i am at a good place in my life re work; i have a very busy and fulfilling life and i definietly dont need a baby to fill any gaps.
i think my body is aware that this is the absolute last chance and my instincts are taking over my more measured and thought through approach to this.
on balance i think i will try to live with the knowledge that my time to have children has passed and try not to dwell on it. there is a difference between wanting something so much and it actually being the right thing for me and any poss.child.

How about 'curing' your pangs of broodiness with somethig really worthwhile like fostering? You obviously have a lot to give and there are a lot of children who need a little love.

When I meet an 'older' mother i make no judgements, but older people planning to conceive does make me a little .

you are not being selfish. If you are fit and healthy have a good support system around you, know what provision you can make for the child should you sadly die early, then just go for it. If you think a new addition to the family would be welcome and a joy why should it matter what age you are?

It is knackering having a child at any age. I am pals with mums in their twenties and they are just as worn out at the end of the day as I am and I am in my 40s. They complain more about it too!

Yes.
When you're child is sitting his/her 11+ you will be 60. Is that fair on them?

Two of my friends have had third babies at this age. All happy and healthy, great kids with great lives.

There is nothing foolhardy or sad about these families, absolutely the opposite.

All I would say is be prepared that you may not be able to conceive.

How is being 60 'not fair' exactly? 60 isn't particularly 'old' these days.

The ageism flying around on this thread is breathtaking.

yes there is a lot of comments i would prefer not to hear - but the reason for posting the initial thread was to have honest feeedback from a wider range of people than those whom i know.
it is a reflection of the society in which we live that an older mother (ie my age) is considered a circus freak of some sort - but i cant change that and it is also true that any child of an older mother would pick up on these viewpoints.
we live in the age of the cult of the young and beatutiful and the further we move away from that - the more we can be derided. we dont make decisions to have children on the basis of other's beliefs - but it is a part of life that affects us no matter how strong we are.

and besides which on balance the comments posted i have found supportive and thoughtful and have been welcomed - even if they are advising me not to try to conceive.

I've had my DDs at 41 and 43. I certainly don't think I'm more exhausted than I would have been in my 20s - I really don't "get" this idea that you're too old to cope in your 40s(providing obviously you're in good health) - late 40s is hardly geriatric and nobody would think anything of somewhat that age continuing to do a manual job. There are obviously increased risks both for yourself and the baby, and you would need to educate yourself fully and weigh these up carefully, as well as accept the possibility that you won't get pregnant / the pregnancy may unfortunately end in miscarriage. I do worry a bit about being an older mother in terms of there is a stronger likelihood of something happening to me before my DDs are independant, but there are no certainties for anything in life. I certainly don't think you're being "selfish" (-or maybe we should say that everyone who has a child because they want one is "selfish"!). You've obviously throught a lot about it.

Its such a tough one and at the end of the day is down to you.
My mum turned 47 6 days after having my brother. He is the youngest of 6. I was 21 at the time. She was always fit and active and it took her nearly 1 1/2 yrs to recover fully from the pregnancy. For the first 3 months I did night duty for her. She also suffered PND then went into menopause so physically it was difficult. My brother was and is adored. Being an older parent is different but not better or worse. He is more comfortable with adults than your average teen.He has been a huge amount of places both with my parents and on holidays with me or my siblings. He most def has had more quality time than we had as there were 5 of us coming up together. Materially he was much better off too as my parents were better off and he is spoilt by us!
On the downside my father has just passed away so he is just gone 15 and has lost a parent (my dad was 10 years older than my mum) and my mom isnt as good at relating to him as a teenager as she was with us. Partly because of this and due to both my parents fighting cancer he moved in with me two years ago during the school week (i live 5 mins from my parents) and sees them mid week, weekends and holidays. This is not seen as overly strange to us as the rest of us went away to boarding school. He has 5 nieces and nephews that he is brilliant with and they have a special bond with him.
There are upsides and downsides - but you make of it what you will. Our situation was about adapting and doing what was best for my brother. He knows he is well loved and everything is in his best interest. I personally would not choose to have a child in my late 40's but if it happened it wouldnt be the worst thing in the world. I wouldnt swap my brother for anything and my parents only ever saw him as a blessing. Best of luck with your decision

MammyG that's a lovely post. I'm sorry about your Dad though

My dp is 45 and the same age as my dad yet nobody blinked an eye when he announced my pregnancies, I know he didn't carry them but he does do a lot with the dd's and is very hands on.

I would say if you have the support of your family and are aware and accepting of any risks ie higher chance of birth defects then go for it if you all feel that it will complete the family.

There's no perfect time. You're too young, you're too old, you're mid-career and going to wreck it! People will judge no matter what you do.

Having a baby at any time is sort of selfish. But so what? It's a natural drive.

If you feel strong enough and want a baby, then go for it. You're aware of the risks and benefits and it's absolutely your choice.

This is one of those questions that I answer differently in theory than in practice

Thinking through it logically (full disclosure: I am 32 and have a nearly three year old and an almost born year old ) I don't think I could see myself having a child much older than 35 (host of reasons: career break to care for them while young/increased chance of birth defects/increased chance of problematic pregnancy/almost-certainty of increased tiredness and general exhaustion/increased chance of self dying or becoming incapacitated while children still young enough to need parental input/decreased chance of active role in grandparenting)

But: I have a very, very good friend whom I love dearly, trying for a third at 40, and I honestly wish her all the luck in the world. She's a wonderful mum, great wife/friend/person in general and I think any child would be lucky to be born into that particular family, regardless of the age of the parents.

So, I guess it depends... Wow, how helpful Bet you're a very nice person, though (you sound calm and balanced while posting on this difficult topic, and through some fairly harsh feedback). I'd probably say go for it!

There are ups and downs - just like a pregnancy at any age. If you are young, you get told you are throwing your life away. If you are that bit older, you get told you are ruining you work opportunities. If you that bit older still, then you are being selfish.

If you think - physically and emotionally - you could carry a baby, then do the sleepless nights and everything else that goes with caring for a young child, go for it. You said yourself you know this is your last chance; make the most of it.

But would agree with the other posters who have stated the statistics. On the other hand - you will never know if you don't try!

Good luck

I am a youth worker, and there are so many people out there who should not be parents, that anyone as loving as you sound should not be doubting your abilities regardless of your age. However on that note - is it a desire to carry a child and have a newborn, or overall just another child? There are so many children in need of foster care - as alternative and safer option?

A slightly different slant for those saying about possible birth defects/dying whilst child is young etc.

A friend of mine died in December. She was 32, her children 7 and 3. Both children had/have birth defects.

What I'm trying to say is that any of these things can happen at any time of your life. 20's, 30', 40's. So if you feel that you can cope with those possibilities and you are healthy enough, there is no reason not to have a baby in your late 40's. I personally, really hope to.

I don't know loads about defects, but perhaps the most commonly talked about is Down's Syndrome and even that's apparently still only 1% for a woman in her 40's (0.07% for a woman in her 20's). I know there are a lot more things to worry about than that, but the fact is that the reason we're all so aware about the difficulties of conception, birth defects and so on is because it's splashed all over the media all of the time. Not a week goes by hardly when you don't read something negative about parents in general. So whilst it is more common in your 40's perhaps... the odds are still fairly low aren't they? I agree with Solo; you could walk down the street tomorrow and get knocked over by a bus.
fifitot; you make an interesting point about ageism; but does it not work both ways? When I told my GP about my pregnancy and she asked for my DOB (1987) I got the raised eyebrows, even though I have a wonderful husband, lovely secure home and a good career... Makes you think, no?
xxx