My mum is getting on my nerves and upsetting me?

[Mouseplus1]

Hello ladies,

I feel terrible actually saying this out loud but my mum is really getting me down.I love her to bits but since before xmas I cant say I like her very much. I'm 27 weeks gone and am really happy about having a baby. My mum seems to be stuck in somesort of time warp when it comes to pregnany, births and babies. I am the sort of person who likes to find out everything when enbarking on something new (hence lots of baby books, mags, reading mumsnet etc etc) and when I try and talk to mum about stuff she poo poo's it all saying things like - I dont know how I ever managed with you and whats all the fuss about they used to give birth in fields you know; you'll survive. it's getting to the point where I cant use a phrase like braxton hicks or trimester as I just get a raising of the eyebrows and somesort of sarcy comment about it not being like that in my day. When I first told mum and dad me and hubby were having a baby they were really pleased and this side of my mum didnt present itself.In all the excitement I agreed that she could come with us to hospital when I gave birth (she wants to witness the miracle of birth from the action end).Now we dont seem to be seeing eye to eye and I dont know what to do. this may seem like a storm in a teacup to some of you but we'd be here all day if I listed all the negative things she said, suffice to say its not just me and I need some support from you mums and mums to be. xxx xxx

Oh poor you Mouse - just when you need the encouragement and support. I don't know why your mum is behaving in this way - is she jealous in a funny way - you know, she has had her babies and you are only just embarking on the exciting journey sort of thing?

You need to feel confident in your birth partner(s), so might be that you need to change your plan about having her there at the birth. Maybe if you just say that and don't give a reason, she will ask why not and you could explain that you are finding her comments hurtful. Hard to do this I know. Can you confide in your dad at all - he might have some insight?

can i ask a brutal question? does most of your conversations with her focus on the pregnancy, birth and baby?
understandly pregnant people (myself included!) can get very wrapped up with it all and maybe she is just feeling a bit bored of it all?
try chatting about something else and she might show a more caring side?

Aww, I'm sorry your mum is getting you down. Pregnancy is stressful enough without the people who should be most supportive being anything but. I'm sure she means well... maybe she is just trying to reassure you? And parents always see their children as just that, children, so I suppose it's hard for them to accept that you might actually be knowledgeable about something. I'm the same as you, I research everything thoroughly and pregnancy has been no different. There's so much more known about it all these days, I feel it can't help to be informed.
Can you have a polite but firm retort at the ready next time she rolls her eyes? "Mum, I find comments like that really patronising and upsetting", or similar? And if she doesn't change her behaviour, I'd tell her sooner rather than later if you've changed your mind about her being present at the birth. Tell her you want a positive and relaxing birth experience, and her attitude is just going to cause you stress.
Hope it all works out x

You do have to remember that "in her day" people generally did not make such a fuss about childbirth as we seem to now. There are now a million books/umpteen ways to give birth/loads of ways to "parent".

These are modern inventions. Well at least in the sense that, probably you relied on your family more for advice and did things THAT way (whichever way it was) as opposed to being more informed about how others do it/the "best" way etc.

She gave birth to you and brought you up, so presumably she has some clue on how to do it! She will hopefully be very supportive. If you doubt that, then you need to be quite explicit on how you want things to be.

My mum claimed when I mentioned getting Braxton Hicks in late pregnancy that they had not been invented in her day!

Why do people keep on going on about women giving birth in fields ? It's rubbish. Women have never, ever given birth without the support of their extended families either in the West or in Africa/Asia.
The "asian women squat in fields and carry on working" is bo**ocks - in most "third world" societies new mothers are completely looked after by their female relations for weeks after the birth and aren't put under pressre to get back to normal immediately, unlike here in the "1st world"

It is a particular bugbear of mine..

I can completely empathise with you. My mum has been the same really, and this being her 8th grandchild (my first baby) it is all a bit been there done that without all of this nonsense....

When OH was speaking about hypnobirthing she practically shouted across the restaurant "this is all getting a bit ridiculous and out of hand now" which upset me a lot as I am keen to do everything to prepare for a calm birth as possible. I pointed out that things certainly are different now to in her day (40+ years since her first baby) and now we do not necassarly get a midwife with us throughout the entire labour, some people are left to labour in waiting rooms until delivery room available / turned away from hospital as it's closed etc. The care and attention you recieve is not the same at all, and they are mre likely to use intervention to 'speed things along' and get you out of there asap.

I had asked her to be at the birth (right at the begining) but haven't mentioned it since, as i think she will prob just be like - come on chin up pull yourself together giving birth is a piece of cake etc. She will prob come to stay after OH paternity has finished and help me around the house etc.

I have stopped discussing things with her TBH. It was just pointless and left me feeling disappointed in her and frustrated. And i think she prefers it now too as well!

if she is upset re being there at the birth could you say that the hospital only like you to have one birth partner & your OH wants to share the experience with you? And you could then call her after you have had a shower and spent some time together with your new baby on your own?

Hope that it doesn't get you down and she is a very supportive grandma!

Look at it this way - at least she's interested and will be therefore more likely to help when the baby arrives, which is something you'll be grateful for.

Neither my MIL or my mother are interested this time - my MIL thinks my DH and I are selfish to have another child as my DD is 10, and my mother is far too wrapped up in her many fabricated illnesses to give a s**t.

I have no other family and I'm fully aware that DH and I will be 'on our own' which is worrying as I've no one I can call on after the birth if I need them to help with my DD or housework etc

It is hard when all the hormones are raging to bite your tongue but try to explain to her that you want to be as great a mum as she is and thats why you need to be so well informed

I am so glad you have posted this, I am having similar problems with my mum.

I try not to go on about modern birthing methods or to talk about my pregnancy in general too much in front of my parents unless they bring it up because I understand they have been there, done that etc etc.

My Mum's big thing is going on and on about how you don't need to buy anything for a newborn baby. She spent hours lecturing us about how we don't need a cot or moses basket because the baby can just sleep in a drawer! My poor DH is now worried that when they come over we are going to have to hide the crib, bouncer, baby bath etc.

I think the best thing to do is to humor their ideas and suggestions but ultimately go about things the way you want. It is sad when you feel you can't discuss being pregnant with your own mum, I feel like that, but would rather avoid arguments.

Hi there,

It's nice that your mum is interested, she's just not seeing it from your point of view...why not address her negativity in a more light-hearted, jocular way next time she says something...

"Awww, Mum, I'm really excited about being pregnant, and I know that perhaps people didn't make such a big deal about it when you were having me, but I love having someone to natter to about every tiny detail, and I want you to be really involved as a grandma...I promise you can tell me to shut up if I go on about it too much!"

...this puts your point across without being too critical, and could also make her feel like you want her to share in your excitement.

i know for me pg with #3 its like a generation gap , our mums/mils generation really didnt know much about their own pregnancies and were more trusting in what their doctors told them, my mil even admitted she only ever did what she was told to do by the health vistors/midwives even after she had her babies she followed their instructions.

whereas nowadays they have to watch while we become more informed about pregnancy/labour etc. and they wonder why the need and why they never knew as much. Even my mil never had a scan and she is amazed now that you can have one know without a docter involved, her own daughter have a few private scans and mil commented that she had never knew a baby before its born to have so many pictures.
So while it does get me down a bit when i mention anything in my pg and i get a less than positive comment from granny's to be i try and ignore as much as i can, and talk to my friend who's had a baby and is still in her 20s/30s.

I agree with Mrs Dmamee...

I thought initially that my mum was being quite negative, but I was just interpreting her comments wrongly. It all came to light when she said something about 'confinement' which I took offense at (such an outdated & negative term!) It turns out that she had had quite bad experiences of labour & childbirth with my brothers and I, and hadn't wanted me to go in with my eyes closed, so to speak.

We then had a big chat about how things had changed over the past 30 years, and all that 'extra fussing' these days just means we have better care. I couldn't believe that when she had me mothers were made to spend 10 days in hospital regardless of their health, Dad wasn't allowed at the birth, I was taken away from her immediately & fed cows milk while she was given sleeping tablets and the babies were kept in a separate nursery away from their mothers. And that's without mentioning how much antenatal care has moved on...

Now we've cleared up our misunderstandings she's really excited that the system has changed for the better and we can both look forward to a much more positive experience for my baby's birth than she had (she may be a little jealous about this, but is also very relieved that so many improvements have been made).

I hope you manage to clear things up with your mum OP; we need all the support we can get! x

I had/have exactly the same problem. My mum never breastfed and has certain ideas about how things should be done which she seems to think must be right as she's "done it all before". Problem is, a lot of it actually isn't how things are done nowadays. She's also into buying all the latest gadgets and loads of stuff we don't need whereas we are completely the opposite!

It's basically a power-shift - you are becoming the Mum, she is becoming the Grandma. Once that baby is born, you are the one that has ultimate say over how things are done and she's not used to that. Just as you will need to get used to a different role, she does too.

My mum's wanted to be highly involved all along - first of all offering to come and stay for 2 weeks straight after the birth, then being at the birth itself. While I'm going to be glad of the support, we don't need her to actually live with us for 2 solid weeks - she only lives half an hour away! I want time to recuperate and time alone with just baby and DP. I told her I only wanted DP at the birth and she was a bit offended.

I think it's a case of setting boundaries and letting her know that the way you have decided to do things is the way it's going to be. Perhaps letting her know how she can help in ways that will support you most and also letting her know areas where her input is not needed (in my case, feeding).

You want her on side and helping but you don't want her running roughshod over you - it's a tricky balance. I actually don't tell my mum that much, it's quite "need to know". I've also enlisted my brother to be Kofi Annan and I've told all family that DP decides who visits when and his word is final and law.

Good luck, it's a horrible feeling I know.

Thank god for all of you....xxx

By way of an update I've spoken to my dad this evening and he thinks I'm taking her comments too much to heart and called me a silly cow. I've tried to explain that its not just the preg hormones and that she can actually be quite vicious (my mum is a very sarcy lady who's sense of humour is to piss take almost all of the time), she is so persistant that after a while it wears you down. He assures me that she loves me which I dont think was ever in question and that I should ignore her comments and focus on her good points.

I think I'm going to give the baby talk a miss with her for a while and try to talk about other things, its hard though because I'm so bloody excited about this baby. I'm 34 and having waited a long time to decide that me and hubby are ready now Im just grasping it with both hands, its all I can think about.

I cant believe one of you made the comment about baby sleeping in a draw as this yet another chestnut my mum came out with last week!!!

Thank you all of you for running to the rescue so quickly I feel like your whole new bunch of people I can relay on.

Love Mouse and little mouse. xxxxxxxx

Funny creatures mums, aren't they...
The gems that have come out of my mum's mouth during my pregnancy, it must feel so alien to her since she last gave birth 25 odd years ago. I've had:

"I'm not sure about them scans love. They use radiation you know - it can't be good for the baby"
"Sterilising bottles - in the microwave? Really?"
"of course you need talc, I'll get you some"
"Sleeping bags - for babies? Hmmmm"

Oh, and every time I buy something, even the tiniest thing like bibs or a hat....
"HOW much??? They're just out to rip you off you know..."

LOL...xxx

Another corker she came out with was something about leaving a baby up a mountain over night and if its still alive in the morning its a keeper, its like she's from sparta, this was her response to me saying I couldnt wait to kiss and cuddle my new baby. priceless!

ps, I dont know if my dad said something to her but she called me at lunch today and we had a lovely chat which was both surprising and reassuring. she's even going to knit the baby something. bless. fingers crossed and thanks again for all the support. xxx