Feeling guilty about reaction to scan

[amatista]

I had my 20 week scan yesterday and partner and I had decided we wanted to know the baby's sex. I geniunely thought I didn't mind whether I had a boy or girl. This is our first baby and ideally I would like 2 - one of each (or maybe a third....).

We were told (99.9% sure) that we are having a boy. I was shocked that my initial reaction (though I didn't let on to my partner) was a feeling of disappointment. I feel guilty that this is the way I feel. Our baby, as far as we know at this stage, is healthy and I know that is the main thing. And I am sure that I will love my baby whatever.

There are a number of girls' names that I loved and we could have decided between us on something we really liked. We have consistently disagreed about boys' names, and I can't help but feel my baby will end up with a name that we settle on as being 'ok', because it is what we disagree least on.

I also find it hard to get excited about shopping for a baby boy. I know this is superficial and doesn't really matter. I am not an overly girly girl myself and wouldn't be decking the nursery out all in pink, and buying frilly dresses, but, having just bought beautiful clothes for friends' new baby girls, I imagined getting similar things for my baby; I find it hard to see boys' clothes as anything other than functional. Also, I had seen something I decided I would buy as my first baby purchase if I were having a girl, and would equally find something if having a boy. In reality, I am just sad not to be buying the girl present.

And even now, I am thinking ahead, hoping that baby number 2 will be a girl. If not, I know I'll want a third; whereas I am sure if I had two girls, I wouldn't mind. Getting ahead of myself somewhat I know. I have friends with little boys, who are great, so I know boys can be wonderful too. But all of these feelings have sudddenly flooded in.

I know some people say that a reason not to know your baby's sex is that once you are holding your newborn you won't care. But I am at least glad that I have these feelings now, and some time to deal with them. I would hate to feel anything other than joy when I first hold my new baby.

But in the meantime, I am sharing my news, and feel I am being dishonest when I say I didn't mind whether we were having a boy or girl. I really didn't think I did mind. I feel confused as this has suddenly hit me, and don't feel I can tell anyone, as it seems such an awful thing to think.

How do I deal with this, please?

Maybe a good way to see this is nature preparing you for motherhood. See it as lesson no. 1 in becoming/being a mother. You don't get to choose what you want, gender, or personality of the baby/child. You make a shed load of sacrifices, and you learn an awful lot about yourself as a person. You do it all with a smile and a full heart, because you'll love the bones of this little guy. Welcome to the secret of motherhood, it's not all romantic and pictures in your head coming true, but something far more stronger.

Congratulations on your little prince, he's going to bring you happiness you've never even dreamed of. You'll see. The sun is shinning for you, just not in the part of the sky you expected!
X

Hi Amatista

I'm exactly in your position, but a few weeks on. I genuinely thought I didn't mind what it was before we found out, although both my husband and I were somehow thinking it was likely to be a girl (everyone from both sides of our family has girls first, plus we had an inkling from an earlier scan that it might be one).

I was shocked at my reaction to finding out that it was a boy, particularly as we had a pretty hellish year last year to get to this stage, and I am just so grateful that I seem to be having a healthy pregnancy this time.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that after just a few days of initial surprise, I had already got my head around the idea of the baby being a boy, and now I'm really genuinely excited about it. We went out a week later and bought a sweet little boy-specific outfit to celebrate, and it made it feel much more real. We have some utterly adorable little nephews, who are an absolute delight. I agree with what many others have said - don't feel guilty about how you feel, it's not something anyone chooses.

And while I can't say that you'll definitely get over the surprise as quickly as I have, it is possible/likely. I'm also so glad we found out now, rather than going through the rest of the pregnancy thinking it was a girl. I wish you all the best with the 2nd half of your pregnancy.

It really is different strokes for different fokes I have a DS and would only like son's, I have zero desire for a daughter. I'm sure if I have one I will love her but I don't have the need for a daughter that a lot of people have.

You can't help how you feel. I think it's horrible when people make out you're a bad person for simply honestly saying you have a preference. You WILL love your DS and treat him beautifully and that's what matters. You're allowed to have a little sad feeling now, just don't let it impact on your baby.

I did feel a bit like this too. I was sure that I was having a girl and thought it a bit weird that women gave birth to boys as well as girls. surely that should be the man's job.
I had my 20 week scan and showed it was a boy and I was a little shocked, DH was glad but he wouldn't have minded a girl either.
Now DS is 18 mths and I don't wish for a girl at all, he's truely wonderful and despite the girl thing to start, I would love another boy.

There is the dressing part though especially when I go into Monsoon or M and S and I love the clothes and wish I had a ittle girl to take shopping but that's wishing for the life that I might never have.

I try to think that he will be a fab golfer or rugby player, which girls up until now ,have little recognistion. By the way, he does look fab in rugby clothes
and he loves great a ferrari shorts set,although there are times when a lovely dress from Boden wouldn't go amiss!

Don't feel guilty, it will pass and you will change your tune.Don't think of the life you could have had, think of the new life yopu will have. Good luck.

i am so glad i read this post! i too went for my 20 week scan today and was told i'm having a boy. i honestly didn't think i felt that strongly that i wanted another girl, but it turns out i did, as did DH.

reading some of the comments here have really put my feelings in perspective, so thank you. how true that if you don't know the reality of having a boy, you can only make judgements on shopping (or lack thereof) and other people's boys - but when it's your child it's very different and special.

Having a boy first would be great!! Your kids get a big brother- and big brothers are the best

amatista- I have felt just like you this week. I have one DS (who is fab!) and am 15 wks pg with no 2.

I had a mmc last year and the fetus was sent for genetics and turned out to be a girl (XX) I only have brothers, DS only has brothers so I've spent my entire life surrounded by boys.
I found out the sex of this baby last week as I had a CVS in case of a genetic defect.
XY- another boy.

When I found out I have to admit I immediately felt like crying. I had convinced myself it was a girl. I was "100%" sure... And I felt low for 3-4 days afterwards.

I don't think the sadness is exactly because it's another boy ( because I love boys and am so happy my DS will have a little brother) Also, I didn't want it to take away from the fact I was so relieved about the normal CVS.

It's more I'm grieving the loss of what I'll never have/ could have had if my last pg hadn't ended in mc - this is likely to be my last pg (although in the last few days have been wondering how to convince DH to try for another )

I also don't think it's fair to compare this to the loss of a child.

This is a completely different normal feeling.
Don't worry. Little boys are fab. And we would have been sick of pink anyhow.

Im with Loopylou2 -DDs came first, now have my boy, am so happy but so grateful didnt want another girl, and even though was told at scan until i actually pushed and MW said its a boy was convince maybe it was a mistake! and all my blue would have to go back - loving blue right now its my fave colour well after black!

I love my big bros - my protectors!

I am pg with number 4 and at our scan, was irrationally upset to discover that I'm not going to get the 'perfect' 50:50 split of offspring. I know I am lucky to have a DD, but she is SO desperate to have a sister, and I'm that we won't be giving her one.

But you know what, my boys are so funny, so different from each other, and I am actally very excited to see what DS3 is like. Luckily I love rugby, motor sport etc am not, nor have I ever been a 'girly girl' and I know that I'm lucky that I do have a daughter - but who knows - my mother and I fought like cat and dog - maybe she and I will too.

A friend of mine won't have another child "in case I have another boy - I just can't risk it" and I think that's desperately sad - a child, of either hue is such a gift. I had lunch with a friend of mine yesterday who is three years into dealing with unexplained fertility problems - that's made me stop worrying about whether this one is the 'right' sex.....

You will adore your baby when you first hold him, and have a huge amount of fun with him. Don't wish away his babyhood dreaming about your second - it's such a special time!

Wait until those little arms go around your neck and he says: "I love you Mummy, you are the prettiest girl in the whole world and I am going to marry you when I grow up".

I can't really compare as I don't have a girl but he is the loveliest, kindest, cuddliest creature around (also the loudest and muckiest, but these are pluses IMO).

I felt nothing but relief on finding out this baby was going to be a DS2 (then a slight disappointment I wouldn't be able to have a "Self Rescuing Princess").

I so wanted a girl with my first for a lot of reasons. Could only imagine a boy. Prepared myself for a boy as I thought I would be disappointed. Had a boy. This was me - .

Number 2 - said I didn't mind. Another boy = great as I knew what I was doing. A girl = shopping! Had a girl. This was me - .

Number 3 - wanted a boy. Baby had problems. Decided to find out sex. Baby was a boy. This was me - and I didn't care about this problems. He was mine and I was having him.

Ironically, deep down I had been scared to have a girl in case it was like me and my mum. It isn't and I am so pleased I had her. My only regret was that I was unable to have another girl for company for her.

OP - don't let this feelings run away with you and spoil the rest of your pregnancy and you need to deal with why you feel so strongly that a girl would be better before you conceive again.

Boys rock!!

hi there amatista

Dont feel guilty about having these feelings. I also think that its wrong that people have told you to relate to others who have lost a baby!!!!

i can see your happy that he is healthy just was looking forward to havin a girl. this is normal to think but over the next few months when u start buying more boys stuff etc you'll start getting used to it then you'll flood him with joy. Guilt will just eat you up inside and i'm glad that you feel free and able to talk to us about it. if u cant chat here who can you speak to!!

Shame on you other mums on here making you feel bad!! if they havent got anything nice to say certain people need to just keep their gobs shut! feel free to be open to talk to us hun

i have had a very bad MC 6yrs ago and was havin siamese twins and how people can compare this to how you feel is wrong. you need to be able to talk to get it off your chest and feel better.

i had a ds 1st and he is the best big brother to my dd in the world! i am currently preg with my 3rd (4 if u incl my ones in heaven) and i generally will be happy whatever he/she is and we are not even goin to find out

you'll be ok hun

sorry for ranting lol

take care
i hope your prince arrives healthy n you all will no doubt be happy xx

Amatista - it's really common to feel this way. I know I did when I saw on the scan that DS was a boy. I didn't really realise until that moment how I had just assumed that I would have daughters!

Feel no guilt. You WILL get used to the idea and you WILL adore your little boy. We all have inbuilt ideas about what we want out of life and certain expectations and can't be expected not to have fleeting disappointment when the reality doesn't match.

Gender disappointment is VERY common but it really isn't discussed because of judgemental attitudes from women who don't empathise. Telling someone that they should look at boards of women who have lost babies is cruel and spiteful....and pointless. It's like telling someone who has a headache to enjoy it because some people have malignant brain tumours.

I have lost a baby and been through years of infertility yet I STILL longed for a girl. I didn't NOT want a boy I just felt I would relate better to a girl.

I now have a boy and a girl and am pregnant with my 3rd and would still like a girl (but feel sure this a boy). The heart wants what the heart wants. I will love a son as much as a daughter, I know that.

Big Hugs XX

You don't need to feel guilty for an unexpected reaction you can't control. However it's time to emphasise the positives.

If shopping is your bent (and I can't blame you) have you seen how much cool and supercute boys' stuff there is now? Every budget from Ikea to White Company has funky, fun toys and accessories for boys. Go and buy something boyishly beautiful and do some visualisation - "when he comes, my darling son will wear that/sleep on that/use that" and actually picture yourself with this lovely baby boy.

And I really cannot stress enough the shocking power of the love of a little boy. I'm sure little girls love their mothers just as much, but I don't have one, so I can only go on what I know. It's a little way off but when his little fingers curl into your hair as he clasps his arms tightly around your neck and says "I love you my beautiful lovely mummy, you are the best mummy in the world" you will feel truly blessed.

As for names, we were undecided between a few names until DS popped out and then we just said, "he's a George, isn't he? He just looks like one". That's a minor issue, and technically you don't have to decide until he's six weeks old anyway.

When I was a teenager I did a lot of babysitting - but I would only babysit girl babies because I just didn't like boy babies at all. Don't know why - maybe they weren't dressed prettily in pink! I was very worried when I was pregnant for the first time that my baby would be a boy and I wouldn't be able to love him. DS arrived after an induction and an emergency CS and he was taken to Special
Care while I was still under the anaesthetic. I saw a photo of him when I woke during the night - but when they brought him to me at 8.00 am and they put him in my arms it was instant love! I just couldn't believe it - and I was devastated when they wheeled him off again.

DS was the most wonderful happy baby and toddler and by the time I was pregnant again I really would have been happy to have another boy. Never thought I would have felt that.

dont worry it is normal and doesnt mean anything about how good a mum you will be to your little boy. My second was a boy and I remember looking around shops and not being taken with any of the boys things they all looked either boring or covered in logos which I hate. Then I discovered how ADORABLE baby boys look in shirts and those little vest thingies and my poor little boy has been wearing them ever since (hes 3 now!).

Thanks for all the supportive comments. It's really helpful to know people understand.

It isn't that I don't know how great boys can be; I do, as several friends have little boys. I know that it shouldn't have been a shock to be having a boy! But I guess feelings I didn't even know I had were brought to the surface. Not really intentionally, but it would always be the girls' clothes etc that would catch my eye first in the shops. (not all the pink stuff, but just dresses in beautiful fabrics etc). So, I suppose that's what I imagined buying. And I suppose I have to some extent imagined passing on certain items of mine to a daughter. (I know, there's nothing to say I won't in the future).

I have been encouraged by comments on here. But also - whilst I'm sure my partner would be happy whether girl or boy - I can see just how happy he is to be having a little boy. It's lovely hearing him refer to 'my boy'/'our son' etc.

When I post back on here, telling you all how my son is just the best in the world, you can either disagree vehemently, as yours is obviously the best, or just say, 'I told you so'!

All little boys are the best little boy in the world. Start a "my little boy is great" thread and it instantly fills with proud women recounting their cute anecdote and taking absolutely no notice of anyone else

I think it's best to be honest with yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person. I'm sure most women have some sort of feeling what sex their baby is going to be before they have the option to find out at a scan. We lost our first DS at 22 weeks and I was sure when I got pg again that it was a DD. I just felt so different. When we found out after having a CVS we were having a DS we were very happy but I was surprised. Don't be too hard on yourself it's not something you have control over and I'm sure once your DS is here you wont care.

Girls suck, boys rule.

Ok, just kidding. But boys really are so so wonderful. Mine are so affectionate and adorable.

I'm one of three girls and I look back at my childhood and pity my parents! Three screetching, fighting girls - sounds like hard work!

OP, when you have your boy in your arms you will think he is the most perfect baby in the world and there won't be even the tiniest hint of disappointment.