39 weeks pregnant and frightened

[okthen]

That's it really. I've been so upbeat and excited throughout this entire pregnancy, really happy and positive.

Now I feel scared, and find it hard to be excited. This has come on in the last week or so. Giving birth doesn't frighten me, but having a baby does. I'm sure I will do everything I need to do to care for her perfectly adequately. But I'm scared of how I will feel. What if I don't love the baby? What if- god forbid- I find I am a bad person and want to hurt her? I would never, ever, ever hurt a child by the way- I'm just scared of feeling that way- you read about women who hurt children, surely they must have been "normal" women at one point? I feel like a freak for even having these thoughts, when everyone else seems to take to motherhood in such a natural way. Surely such worries never cross most women's minds?

My partner is very supportive but not experiencing the same fears (thank goodness). I've spoken briefly to my midwife who says there is lots of support available post partum if I find things hard. But I think she thought I had the usual fears about sleepless nights, feeding etc. Not these weird feelings.

We were so ready for this baby. Now- and this sounds insane- sometimes I feel I'm frightened of my own child.

I suppose I'm hoping that I'm not the only one to ever feel like this...

No, you're not.

I worried I wouldn't love my first child and, truth be told, I didn't really until she was a few months old. Fortunately my sister and others told me that the "instant love" thing just does not happen for some women so I knew it was ok.

When your baby is born, see how you cope then. TBH I think it is a measure of how much you want to be a good mother that you are worried about this. But don't meet trouble halfway.

No, you are not the only one!

This is a big moment in your life, an emotionally charged time. Worries about being overwhelmed are very natural.

I hope that doesn't sound too patronising or "there, there" - it's easy to forget that the few weeks before & after the birth can raise these big questions, and it can be quite a lonely time in a way (even if you're surrounded by people), as you have these big issues rumbling around in your head, but others just seem to smile, tap their noses and say "hormones!"

You will find ways to make your new family work, you'll see.

It's completely normal, and you can also expect to feel this way on and off after the birth - these fears come because of the huge responsibility, and are made more intense by the hormones. It should all fade after a few weeks or months as you get into the swing of it and get more confident (and if it doesn't that's when to talk to the GP or HV about it as it could be PND).

Maybe not everyone feels like this but I did - and my lovely HV said it was not a bad thing that I did have a feeling of responsibility and anxiety to start with, and meant I would be a good mum.

And now I'm 7 months pg and going through similar anxieties and rollercoaster emotions, but this is my second baby - so I know I got over it, yet here I am again.

Take care of yourself and let the feelings come and go, let yourself be scared, let yourself cry, talk about it and don't panic. And although it can be very hard at first with a new baby, remember you will probably also have so many amazing moments as well.

MrsHappy is right- you might not love the baby at first sight, and that's fine. Took me a couple of months, too.

I agree with MrsHappy, the fact you are having these worries are just a sign of exaclty how much you want to 'get it right'.

I know the kind of thoughts you mean... Tbh I would bet a lot of people have these worries and just that most of them aren't as brave as you have been to admit to them

Having a baby is life changing, there's no doubt of that. It is terrifying and wonderful. I think the thing to remember is that there isn't a way you're 'supposed' to feel or act, everyone reacts differently.

Try not to get ahead of yourself, take it one step at a time. See how you feel once the baby is here and as MrsHappy said, not everyone gets an instant rush of love so don't worry!

You can't really predict how it will be, there will be amazing times and some slightly scary times but you're not alone. Thats what MN is here for

Seriously though, just remember that you can always ask for help if you feel overwhelmed.

I completely agree with Mrs Happy. Luckily, one of best friends had had a baby a couple of years before me and had warned me that huge immense rush of love doesn't always happen and it is perfectly normal to feel relieved the birth is over, scared, shocked, happy, tired, dazed, sad, happy.
You will be a good mother... your fears are normal, just a lot of women don't voice them. As I got close to the birth, I felt 'oh my god, what have i done?'
I grew to love my ds as the first few months went by... but for me, I didn't really LOVE him until his personality started to show through.
You are scared because this is all new for you. It is hard, but worth it. Get all the help you can. Your midwife is right. Call on local family/ friends/ partner in the first few weeks.
YOU ARE HAVING NORMAL FEELINGS!

Oh and I just wanted to add, on the subject of PND.. Sometimes it can take quite a while to develop if it does. I understand there are 2 types, one you get pretty much straight away (in the first few weeks/months) and one that can develop later and kind of creeps up on you due to curcumstances etc

I got the latter, thought I was doing ok and coping but got to the 7/8 month mark and suddenly wasn't coping so well/feeling myself so much anymore. I think it came abot due to weight gain/feeding problems with my ds and also some family issues (so circumstances). I had a short stint on AD's but tbh it was the counselling that got me back on top again.

I am now pg with number 2 (due in 6 weeks!). I hope if I get pnd this time I won't be so eager to look like i'm 'coping' and will be more willing to ask for help earlier.

Really the message i'm trying to get across is, if you feel like you need help, don't be ashamed to ask for it, no one will think any less of you. It certianly won't be areflection of your abilities as a mother

You would have to be a complete idiot to not have any concerns about becoming responsible for another human's life.It is scary but the very fact you are concerned like this shows you will be a caring and thoughtful mother to your baby.I found the rush of love was easier with my second,party because the birth was better and partly because I knew now how to love a baby.I did love my first baby fiercely even when she was in utero ,but I was less relaxed I suppose.You will love your baby,it will be amazing,honestly.

Dalrymps, good advice re PND.

It is really scary. I didn't feel a rush of love, I felt that dd was my responsibility, but I think it is helpful not to worry if you don't fall in love with your baby at first. I completely agree with what has been posted. I very slowly grew to love my dd as she showed more personality. She is 2 now and I love her to bits but still have moments when I think 'omg I carried you and cared for you yet I feel I hardly know you' is so different the relationship you have with your children compared to anyone else.

It is hard, caring for a newborn, feeling the way you do is totally normal. For me, not being at all maternal and not having any experience with new babies, I thought I would really struggle, and actually it was fine, I loved those first few months and I really didn't expect to at all.

oh and great news about no. 2 Dalrymps!

Have you ever seen Lost In Translation? Bill Murray's character gives a very touching speech about being frightened about having your first baby.

It IS scary! i expected to be all loved up, but in reality I looked at sleeping 3 day old dd and resented her for turning my world upside down. That is, after I got over the birth stuff. That sounds so callous now, i can barely believe it. I thought my life as I knew it was over.

But i loved her. Always did, always will. And i had no clue what do to do really, but somehow you know. And normality comes back gradually. And then they smile at you (after several months of hell on earth) and you are completely in their thrall forever.

Thanks snotbaby

Useful to note also that you don't get an awful lot back from a new baby until they start to smile... Until then it can feel a bit like caring for a sleeping/feeding/pooing machine, an amazing one that is!

Portofino, that's exactly what Bill Murray's character says in LIT: "Your life, as you know it, is over."

Goes on to say why this is a good thing, though!

Never saw that film, Snotbaby, maybe I should?

I do think that the books never tell you that you might not fall instantly in love with your newborn. Shock and awe would more accurately describe my first meeting with dd.

I was so jealous and upset that dh got there first (emcs) and after sleeping for about 8 hours, just stared at her in wonderment. I would say that the first couple of months went past in a big blur. Feeding/sleeping/tv.

And after that it was wonderful. The best thing in the world. I feel so nostalgic for the afternoon snuggles I had with baby dd (who is now nearly 6 and very cheeky). God I almost want another one!

I would highly recommend getting hold of Naomi Stadlen's book "What Mothers Do (Especially When It Looks Like Nothing)"

It comes with a big MN thumbs up (see product reviews under parenting books) and sensitively explores the whole business of "mothering", how it changes your life and the kind of emotions it throws up. I think you'd probably find it reassuring at worst and inspiring at best.

Good luck!!

Thankyou for all the advice and reassurance. I went to bed early last night so have only just logged on again. It really means a lot to know I am not alone.

One of the things I am most scared of is the intimate care stuff like changing nappies and bathing the baby. For some reason I feel uncomfortable about handling another person's, well, private parts (other than a sexual partner's). Even though it's only a baby, and my own baby, at that! Perhaps it's a societal thing or thanks to all the stories in the papers, but I can't help but associate it with being wrong or inappropriate somehow. It's something I'm dreading, to be honest. That's sad, isn't it.

It is these worries in particular which make me feel hugely freakish. Nobody else seems to bat an eyelid at these things...

No, I had that worry too, perhaps partly because there was some inappropriateness in my family when I was growing up and I couldn't get that out of my head. I was relieved I had a boy, because it seemed less "intimate" with all the bits on the outside. This time we think it's a girl and I do feel a bit uncomfortable about that aspect, but I'm hoping to just get used to it.

You just have to tell yourself the baby will be happy and comfy if it's clean, and it's your job to give it everything it needs. It's just one of the many new things you'll get used to! And it does all become second nature.

Marine- that is exactly how I felt. I too would have been relieved if it was a boy- for some reason I feel totally different about it with boys, much less uncomfortable. This has surprised the couple of people I've confided in- they think that I would be more comfortable with "familiar territory". But I'm not. I'm sorry you have had similar worries- it feels v alienating doesn't it?- but I am glad I'm not alone.

I'm pretty sure my fears are down to an unfortunate incident when I was growing up- nothing long-term thankfully, but yes, some inappropriateness.

You are right of course, that the most important thing is that my little girl will be well looked after and comfortable. Thankfully she will be blissfully oblivious to any discomfort I might be feeling.