Pregnancy Q & As
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a hurricane might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Will my husband be OK in the delivery room?
A: Yes, as long as it?s a big room ? with a bar at one end ? and Sky sports.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES"
- Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
- You're adding chocolate drops to your cheese omelette.
- The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
- Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
- You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 0898 78....-".
- Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
- Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
- You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
- You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
- The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
- Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
- Fat clothes.
- Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
- The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white and eggshell.
- Cutting your hair to make it grow.
- Eyelash curlers.
- The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN
Slightly American but they amused me.
Dan