should i stay or should i go? stressed and depressed at 39weeks :(

[michelle89]

hey
me and my partner have always had a rocky relationship, people stiring things, we were trying for a baby for 5months, everytime we had an argument i told him i was going back on the pill but you cant go back on it until the first day of your period, but everytime i was due to come on everything was ok again, i didnt want to go back on it to come off it again in a few months.

we have been through alot, iv forgiven him for so much, lying to me on numourous times, givin me 3 sti's and being violent to me when i found porn on his ipod (he only grabbed my arm and twisted it, he didnt hit me or anything)

i moved in with dp in august when i was 4/5months pregnant. two days after i moved in with him i found texts from my best mate, both of them flirting with each other and from another girl saying "we still meeting later? bring condoms ok" i had it out with him and he just said he was stupid and he was sorry, we decided to work through it for the baby's sake. i was so close to walking out.

the other week we was ordering a take away on the internet, he put his exs post code in instead of ours, being suspisious i looked through his pockets when he was asleep, i found a metal hair slide in his pocket.

now his mate that he doesnt talk to anymore sent me a message on facebook saying:

"dps name man dude the good old days I glad you got his exs name crook lock off her car for her after she lost her keys how long did it take she told
Me you went to her work place and cut it off for her I was thinking witch way would be easyest just brings back good old days"

my partner last night spent most of the night looking how to brake a lock, he said his mum wanted him to brake off her shed lock as shes lost the keys. abit of a coincidence dont you think? his excuse was he bumped into someone in town and told them he had to bust his mums lock and this person must of told his old mate to cause trouble.

im a week away from being full term, i cant deal with this stress and sh*t stiring anymore, i cant stop crying, i feel so depressed and suicidal.
i dont know if anyone read my old thread about my parents chain smoking but i cant go back there becuase im not putting my babys health at risk, all my mates and i have grown apart, most of them i havent seen in over a yr. so only option i have is either go into a mother baby unit or stay with him. im so confused..

any advice?

Michelle hon, hi,

First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this at this stage of your pregnancy - I'm two weeks behind you, so I know you must be feeling absolutely dreadful.

I think you know in your heart of hearts that this "relationship" is on its last legs...don't you?? And I want you to HOLD THAT THOUGHT until after the birth of your baby. Its heaving snow outside, labour is imminent - don't put yourself through the agony of separation RIGHT NOW. Think of yourself and your little one, get some rest, eat something delicious, and start planning ahead on getting your own place in a month or two. Forget about the lying twat that your partner appears to be.

This could be the start of a whole new life - scary as the thought may be - it might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you!!

And please don't forget all of this in the post birth "glow" - it is highly unlikely that your partner will ever be the lover and father you and baby need and deserve.

Just hold it down for a little while longer - you're doing great...

Michelle - how awful to be going through this at the end of your pregnancy. Its already a hard time and you don't need this sort of stress. However, I agree with the other poster that this is the wrong time to make big decisions, and face the stress of a separation.

Get through the birth and the first 6-10 weeks before you make any big decisions - if he's not right thats ok, but make the decision when you are not hormonal... just try now to focus on the birth and the first few week and be grateful of any support your partner can give - even if its just driving you to the hospital or picking up take-aways to eat.

Heya michelle.

big hugs

I know exactly what your going through, im 23, im 33weeks pregnant, and im 3 weeks post separation and its difficult.
The other posters are right, dont leave now as it will only make labour and coping with a new baby much harder.
Once your LO is here you will be stronger, You will realise you dont need to put up with his rubbish, and you LO will be your number one priority.

Ive moved back to my parents home and they smoke. I dreaded the idea. If im honest i spend alot of my time out and about or in my room to escape the smoke, but my parents have been great, dont smoke around me and are trying to give up. Maybe you should sit down and talk to them and express you worried and concerns. Its their grandchild at the end of the day too, so surely they wouldnt want to put LO's health at rish?

If you need a chat hun, PM me id be happy to chat xx

jellybean86
thanx for your advice, im so glad your parents have decided to try and stop smoking seriously i have tried talking to my parents about smoking, many of times, i dont want to bore you with my life but as i put in my older threat about my parents smoking, they have made it clear they wont stop, when i went round to theirs last i couldnt breath due to smoke and asthma, all my mum said is "aww" really sarcasticly and didnt stop, they dont care about their grandsons health, they didnt even care about their daughters health, my mum chain smoked when she was pregnant with me, which has given me so many health problems, my heart stopped 3times before i was born.
im not going to let that happen to my boy
thanx creditcrunchie and mumnwlondon for your advice, im going to try focus on labour and my baby, its just hard everytime i see my partner it makes me want to cry all the time becus of what hes done

oh darling. i cannot believe that about your parents, its awful!

i know its hard when u see him, but you cannot put up with the stuff he does, cos you deserve better. cry if you need to hun, it will help to get it out of you system. just dont bottle it up. If you want to add me of facebook or msn to chat too, jsut ask.

when he isnt around during the week, and if you feel up to it, speak to the council about housing. i would be very suprised if they didnt re-home you within the first few weeks of LO being born, especially with the medical and health issues about not being able to go back to your parents. the sooner you apply the better and thenits one less thing on your mind. you will also get alot of help with the financial side of things so please dont worry about that. i know i did!

you deserve alot better than how this man is treating you and making you feel.

michelle89

I too second the advice of the other posters but just wanted to add one more suggestion. If you are feeling a little depressed already make sure your health visitor / midwife is aware. Im sure you already know about the post baby blues which are common shortly after giving birth (i suffered with depression quite bad after both DCs) and was glad of the support my HV gave me. Dont be afraid to accept help (in the form of anti-depressants) if you feel they may help. Good luck with the birth and your decisions xx

michelle89, that makes me so sad to read your story. Pregnant or not, you are in an awful situation.
I'm going to go against the grain here, not because the other advice is bad in any way, but just so you can hear another point of view.

Apart from a roof over your head, what else does living with this guy provide for you? It doesn't sound like you get any friendship or support, love or security?
People have said that leaving now will create extra stress and upset but you are already dealing with stress and upset, but you also have the constant reminder of your stress by seeing him every day.
From the sounds of things, your relationship is effectively over already. Living with him doesn't mean it's still on, if even the sight of him makes you sob.
I suggest no matter what you decide to do, stay or go, as jellybean86 suggests, absolutely apply for housing immediately. It will give you your own security and independence so you can make a decision based on how you really feel about him and not based on your fear of where you'll live.
Social housing is designed exactly for people in your situation so don't feel afraid to apply.

I would love to help if I can and I love a research challenge so if you want some info on your options but find it difficult to look into whilst you're living there, then please let me know and I will happily do some recon for you.

Chin up and be the grown up that he doesn't know how to be. x