Very unhappy. Any advice/suggestions welcome.

[ladyjadey]

ok, so a brief background to my dramatic life:

Have 4 yr old DD. Split with her dad jan last year when i found out he was sleeping with my next door neighbour. Spent the last year going a bit wild, internet dating and the like, trying not to be desperately unhappy. September last year, met a guy, seemed to be everything I was looking for. Things were good to begin with, then we started argueing about anything and everything, there was alot of jealousy from him because a guy I had been seeing over the summer would not leave me alone. We split up, got back together several times.

Then I became really depressed, i missed my daughters dad, wanted my old life back and everything I had known and loved for 8 years. My financial situation was terrible (still is) despite the fact I work and earn a reasonably decent wage. I told my ex that I missed him and wanted him back. He said he was happy with his new g/f and was not prepared to risk things not working between us despite still loving me. I hit breaking point one day, got in my car to go to work and very nearly drove in to the back of an HGV at 80mph. The way I figured things, I would not have to live and be so bloody unhappy all the time, my daughter was losing out because I was so tired and miserable all the time and she would at least get a hefty life insurance pay out. I couldn't do it, was too scared, went in to work a gibbering wreck and was off sick for a month.

In that month I went home to my family (I live with my daughter 100 miles away from everyone, very isolated) and had a good think about what I was doing and how I could improve things for me and my daughter.I decided to apply for jobs closer to home, pack up my whole life and move in with my dad until I could pay off my debts and start again with a clean slate. I told the on/off b/f my plans and he responded by asking me to marry him. He said he would move in with me to ease the money side of things. I said no. It was not what I wanted and I did not want to feel like I owed him(or anyone else) anything, I wanted to sort out my own problems. He was not happy but we kind of agreed I would move home and we would continue to see each other as much as we could. I had a couple of interviews and was fairly certain I would be offered a job. In between trips up home, I spent time with him. When I got back we had another huge fight and were not speaking. I was more than happy for us to go our seperate ways.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next.....

So, here we are, three months in to a rather unstable new relationship, and I find out I'm pregnant. That was a huge shock, particularly as I had been on the pill and had only stopped taking it when I had the whole breakdown thing. And it had taken me 4 and a half years to concieve when I had my daughter.

So, I told him what had happened, he hugged me and said he would stick by me. He told his family. I told mine. I also had to tell work because of the physical nature of my job. He said he would move in, we would save some cash up together and look for a bigger place, get married and live happily ever after with our baby. So, from one massive life changing decision to uproot and start again, everything has changed yet again.

Except, obviously, having a baby in a relationship that was never really working to begin with is not a real solution. We fight, fight and fight some more. It does not help that I am exhausted and hormonal and very snappy at times, but he is not understanding or prepared to forgive my moods.

This morning I was greeted as I climbed out of bed with an attack about me putting something on facebook about not being allowed to be grumpy and hormonal the other day, which he sees as publishing our arguements. He shouted and swore in front of my daughter, who was obviously upset by it all, and I finally lost my rag when he told me to get the f* out of my own kitchen, to which I responded by throwing a mug of cold water in his face. Which was very satisfying.

So now, my current situation...single mum to 4 year old. unable to pay bills. unable to work overtime due to lack of childcare options. unable to go with former plan and move back to family, as not enough room for a baby too and cannot take new job while pregnant. So my situation is worse than it was before. I was quite excited about having this baby when i got used to the idea, did all the right things, quit drinking, smoking, started eating better etc. I thought I could never, ever have an abortion, I look at my daughter and she is beautiful, how could I do that? But I cannot ever see my relationship with this man working. I don't know what to to. I feel trapped by my own stupid mistakes and desperately unhappy. I can't deny I wish I hadn't stopped last time when I nearly had my little "accident". I am so stuck and I just don't know what to do to get out.

Wow- you have a lot going on. Any real life friends or support- midwife? GP?- you could call on? Sounds like the first thing to do is to get some help to make totally sure you're safe and not going to act on any thoughts about ending your life. Your daughter and this new baby need you badly, remember. Everything else can wait a bit. Lots of sympathy to you.

Sorry I am confused, are you pg by your dd's dad or another man? Not that it really matters I suppose.
I am in a remarkably similar position to you. I was a single parent to my dd, who I had while I was at uni and 300 miles away from our family. It has been tough with no family nearby but I managed to find a good full time job after graduation and just about got by.
When my dd was 1 I started a relationship with a guy I had lived with in the first year of uni, and was with him for 2.5 years before falling pregnant unexpectedly. We were at a bad point in the relationship to be honest, and he didn't want the baby at all though I decided to go ahead.
The upshot is, I had ds, who is now 18 months old, and am now a single parent to 2 children as ex decided that he wanted nothing to do with ds, despite living only a few streets away. I don't regret my choice, my ds is amazing, as is my dd, but it is much tougher to bring up 2 on your own than it is 1, and in that respect I'm not sure if my decision to continue the pregnancy with ds was a bit selfish on my part. I get far less time with dd now, and am more stressed. I often think of how much easier my life was when it was just me and dd, but I think that is probably my PND speaking. I was made redundant at the end of my maternity leave but tbh would probably have had to give up work anyway.
One thing that is simpler is not having to deal with a bad relationship- if it's not working, get out now. I have only myself and the dc to worry about, and not someone who I am arguing with all the time, which is a far better situation for everyone involved.
I too have considered moving closer to home, especially after spending christmas with my family and seeing how happy the dc were- it is absolutely draining being the only adult your dc see on a a daily basis and sometimes I really do wish I could just pop down the road and leave them with family for an afternoon.
You have a lot of things to think about. For the depression, have you had any help? I had antenatal depression with both dc, but only PND with ds, but it was severe and has led to a bit of an anxiety problem with I am still on meds for. It is far more common in pregnancy than you might realise and your GP should be able to help.

Thanks for your replies. Its hard feeling so isolated and I struggle finding people to talk to, I think my sister is afraid to answer the phone wondering what I will be moaning about next, and my best friend is also pregnant at the moment, although her situation is much happier. I suppose I don't want to spoil her happiness going on about my problems.

I am sure my GP thinks I am a total headcase, one minute I am in his office crying, then I'm moving and getting another job, then I'm not because I'm pregnant. I haven't actually managed to see m/w yet, was meant to go a fortnight ago but was in the middle of night shifts and just too tired so I rescheduled, was due to go this am but m/w not made it because of the snow.

My daughters dad and the babys dad are two different people! Unfortunately both seem to be unstoppable sources of misery for me. I really, really, really should have been a nun. Was with my daughters dad for 8 years, thought we would be together forever. I definately did not deserve what he did to me. Have been with babys dad only a few months, more off than on, and TBH if i was not pg I would never ever wish to see him again.

I am pretty sure I will not do anything stupid, I love my daughter far far too much for that. I just wish I could provide a better life for us both. I am one of those people, if you knew me as a friend or worked with me, I am annoyingly cheerful all the time. No one actually has any idea how I really feel and what I'm going through.

If I go ahead and have this baby, things will be so much tougher than they are right now. I will not be able to work as I will not be able to sort out childcare for two, at the moment I work permanant nights, 3 a week and my DD's dad or his parents have her for me. I get no maintenance from her dad.

I think I will probably crack up if i have two kids to look after all on my own, no job and no family nearby. I already go days at a time not seeing or speaking to anyone.

I think I might be a whole lot happier not trying to pursue a relationship that is not working, funny thing is, despite all I have said, I do love the man. I just can't live with him. And I don't want to put my DD through another relationship where she is watching nasty arguements. She often says things like "lets drive off and leave him here mummy" when we are at the petrol station and he has gone inside to pay! DD would definately prefer if it was just me and her, from now til the end of the earth.

I am actually still waiting to hear from one of the jobs I went for back home, they have asked for all my references etc so I know they are interested. I really would feel so much better being closer to my family, it might be worth moving back despite all obstacles. And as for being depressed, I don't think I am clinically depressed. I have been before, years ago. I think I am very bloody run down and swimming uphill all the time for the last year has been bloody exhausting, but i'm not actually depressed. yet.

Ladyjadey - gosh you have a lot going on and no wonder you can't think straight.

You need to find a sympathetic GP who does not think you are a "headcase" and discuss options - perhaps some counselling would make a difference.

I can see that you would not want to put your DD through more arguments, its hard to comment though - you say you love the father of the new baby, yet you can't live with him - are the arguments over things can be resolved ie can the relationship be pursued? (I can't really imagine having arguments, not because DH is perfect but because I'd rather not waste my energy on them - and DH feels the same.) Also bear in mind that you are probably more likely to have arguments when you are pregnant and hormonal. That being said if the relationship can't work then no point in pursuing. But then he sounds like a decent person prepared to stand by you....

Only you know if an abortion is right, but if thats whats right now for you so that you can get on with the previous plan then thats the right thing to do.

Ladyjadey,

You have so much going on and yet can express your situation so coherently. I would urge you to see a non directive crisis pregnancy counsellor asap to discuss your options- whether to continue with this pregnancy or not and if you do, what are the options open to you.

You say that if you were not pregnant you would never ever wish to see the baby's father again. I honestly think from all you say you should end the relationship right away. He sounds abusive and controlling and you clearly love your DD very much- you don't want her growing up in such a toxic environment of anger and rows. Listen to your gut instinct- is it telling you to get out of that relationship for your sfaety and sanity? Please heed that voice.

You say that you feel you will probably crack up looking after 2 children with no support and no family nearby.You sound like you'r ewise enough to know the limits of your own stamina and emotional resources so if that is how you feel, you can't ignore that.

Please lose that guy and get support right away through counselling to help you thrash out all the issues. You need to decide whether to have a termination or perhaps consider having the baby adopted and if you can't countenance either of those scenarios, then start planning for a future with your 2 children and how best to get the support you need so that you can parent them on your own.

Wishing you the very best and know that this really, really hard time will pass but trust your gut instinct to guide you, your own inner wisdom.

grallagh xx

Thank you all for your kind words and sound advice.

I think you might be right grallagh, the bad relationship has to go regardless of where i will go from there. I am calm and resonably content when he is not around me, when he is I could happy get up and go walk off a cliff. He is very paranoid and mistrustful, he does not even believe the baby is his. I simply cannot live like this, and to try and make a relationship with him work would mean turning my back on all my own morals and values and my belief in myself.

I don't know where I will go next, for me personally, the best thing would be to not have this baby. I'm not sure I could ever look at myself in the mirror again if I were to have an abortion. If i go through a pregnacy to term I know I will not be able to give a baby away. I can't afford to have this child and I will be forced to leave my job if I do as I will not be able to manage and pay for child care. If I have this child on my own my daughter will lose out on the things I will never be able to provide for her. I would be scared that I would have even less chance of meeting someone in the future with a background of single motherhood with two kids to different fathers. I am worried that if I don't have this baby I might never have another chance, getting older by the minute. And this may sound utterly ridiculous, but what if this is meant to be, that I am supposed to have this child. I know that I will love him or her unconditionally whatever happens.

Oh god, I really DO need counselling don't I?

Ladyjadey thinking of you it sounds like life is tricky at the moment.

Have you checked out what help you would get with childcare from tax credits if you had the baby?

Could you still take the job nearer to family but live seperately? That way you would have a better support network.

If you have the baby, as you know the baby's father will have the right to contact. So you will have a lifelong relationship of sorts with him.

Get as much help and support as you can from friends and family. You are having a crisis so draw on your support networks. Whatever you do you will need a support network to help you through this.

Can you get some help quickly and if you decide to terminate your pregnancy would you be able to pay for this privately, as I am guessing you would be seen earlier and then it would be less traumatic.

Ladeyjadey what an awful situation for you. I think you should definitely consider whether you should be pursuing this relationship. You have already highlighted so many issues with it, incl your partner doesn't always believe the baby is his - what would he be like once the baby arrives? How does he treat you and your daughter on a daily basis?

It sounds like you were more at peace with your decision to move home and clear debts/start afresh. At the moment there IS room for you and your daughter. You can apply for local housing when you move and by the time the baby is born you should be eligible for accommodation. With regard to applying for new jobs - Employment Rights state no-one can use pregnancy as a reason not to employ you. You will remain eligible for Statutory Maternity Pay and Maternity Leave. You don't even have to declare when accepting a job that you are pregnant. A good source of information is the www.maternityaction.org.uk/ and they also have legal helpline tel. no's. The same website also offers links to the charity Gingerbread, who may be able to provide you with support and counselling as a single parent.

I really hope you find the best solution for you, and if you decide to continue with this pregnancy I look forward to hearing your progress on the August baby thread and hopefully settling in to your new home and life with your DD.

Take care and good luck xx

You really don't need to move in with this man just because you are pregnant even though it might solve your financial problems. He is abusive, that much is clear, and you just shouldn't move in with him for your children's sake as much as for your own.

Can you downsize at all, get some financial advice on how to start chipping away at your loan etc.

sorry, debts not loan.

Hi really feel for you and hope my story helps. I am pregnant with my fifth child am now 23 weeks. My hsband is father to all of them. we went through a rough patch in the summer and split up, it then transpired that he had been seeing someone else, not the first time in our marriage either. I stupidly got pregnant cause I kept letting him come back into my bed, as was heartbroken at split, have been with him 19 years, so not easy to just walk away.
I went through turmoil just like you over whether to abort or not and was in and out marie stopes constantly changing my mind. at 16 weeks I decided to continue with pregnancy whether we were together or not, like you thought an abortion would destroy me mentally. we then decided to give it another go, but now I can't trust him at all and don't believe hw will change his ways.
he says all the right things but then when I tell him that I can't forget the other affair he becomes abusive and just plain horrible, in a verbal way not physical.
So now I want to be alone. I cannot be with someone who makes me feel so low. I'm no angel but I have not mistreated him over the years.
I think that even though my kids can be hard work they are a constant in my life and they don't let me down like he does. Im am worried about coping with a baby especially as she was concieved in not good circumstances, but I will just get along with it and hope for the best.
All the best to you and you do whatever is right for you. don't listen to other people, everyone I knew told me to get an abortion, glad I didn't listen now, as I know I would have suffered badly afterwards, but if thats what is right for you then don't let people judge you. only you know deep down what is best for you and tour daughter, best of luck to you
take care

I think i have been really hormonal these past few weeks and it has not helped matters, my fuse has been very short ad i have snapped at the smallest things I would normally tolerate quite well. At the moment, I feel a bit like a kangaroo - half the time I'm up and the other half I'm down.

Last week I had had enough and told him the relationship was not working and nor could I ever see it working, I asked him to leave. He got all dramatic and said if he went he would not be coming back and I said ok, fine. Last weekend I had to work and had no one to have myh daughter as her grandma was ill, so he looked after her for me while I worked, which was good of him. However on sunday nght I was rushing to get to work and get my daughter ready for bed as the next morning was her first day at big school (in the nursery class) so it was really important to me to get her to bed early so she slept well and was calm and relaxed for the big day. I bathed her and sat her in front of the tv to watch cartoons as i dried her hair. At this point the man (i think I will just refer to him as "the man" from now on) had a toddler-style paddy because I had turned off his darts. I asked him to be reasonable, it was for 10 mins and after that I would be out and she would be in bed so he could watch whatever he wanted but he would not let it lie. He swore and acted like a grade 1 tosser and I really had to bite my tongue to avoid a huge row in front of my daughter. I was disgusted with his behaviour. She went to bed I went to work and that was that. The next morning the roads were really bad because of the weather and a ten minute journey home took me over 3 hours. he did not bother checking if I was ok and when I told him I expected to be late he said for all he cared not to bother coming home. I actually thought to myself....this is my house and I don't even want to bloody go home after a shockingly bad night shift. It's just not good.

Anyway, I digress! I told him to sling his hook and took my daughter out to feed the ducks (she had long since missed school by the time I got in) and we were out a good couple of hours. When I got back he was still there and actually repentant and willing to listen to me for the first time ever. So I told him that I felt like he never listened, like my feelings don't matter and how very hurtful it is when he acccuses me of being a liar and a cheat saying he does not believe the kid is his. He was actually lovely and really apologetic and we talked for hours and I did feel a hell of a lot better and felt like maybe this could work. The next morning he had left for work but written me a letter saying he was really sorry and would try much harder.

To be fair to him, since he has been a lot better. He has stopped saying the kid is not his and we have not argued at all. I think my lack of massive PMT style hormones has helped, but he is trying. Despite his faults he is just another stupid, thoughtless bloke, but he is not a bad man, his heart is in the right place.

So right now, I don't know whats going on! I guess I am prepared to give things with him a go and see what happens. I honestly don't know how it will work out. Or if it will. I periodically have feelings that it is all utterly hopeless and can see my life going down the drain before my very eyes. Other times he gives me a cuddle and I think, it's not just me. He can share the worry and uncertainty and maybe we can get through this.

I guess I don't know if all this is happening because "it was meant to be" or if its all just some big silly accident. Its just so soon to be going through all this, we have known each other only 3 1/2 months and its bound to be bloody hard. I am still far from certain that this is right or for the best for all concerned, but here we are. I have a scan booked now for a week on wednesday (27th) and I think that will help ma=ke it all real. I have also told my midwife a summarised version of events so she knows that I ham having a bloody tough time right now.

I would like to thank you all again for your advice, your concern, but mostly just for listening. I always feel so much better for getting things of my (currenly ample!) chest. I'll keep you up to date with the next installment of my soap opera life!

Try to take one day at a time and enjoy each day with your daughter as much as you can.
I know how it feels to be in utter despair when you are pregnant and have a child to look after and I don't know if this helps, but after I gave birth to my second baby all my problems seemed to diminish somehow. Pregnancy really does make everything seem like a heavier burden than it has to be (not making light of your situation as you do sound as though you are in a very bad spot).
I hope you can find yourself in a situation where you can leave your current bloke in the future. He does sound very unsupportive and its shocking that he has been saying the child isn't yours!
Can you not move in with your dad? I also have debt and clawing your way out of debt when you have kids is near on impossible but once you make a start everything else seems much more manageable.
Sorry, I haven't got much practial advice, but I just wanted to say that you sound very strong and you sound like you love your little girl such a lot and you are a great mother.