Post-scan blues- Having a second boy

[oremstango]

Okay, I feel really guilty about this but I am feeling a bit down after finding out we're having a second boy. I adore my son and husband, but with this being our last child am a bit sad that I won't have the experience of having a daughter. I'm sure there are lots of benefits to having 2 boys, but so much of what I know/enjoy/experience is about being female and feel funny not to pass that on. Would love a reality check here or feedback on the joy of 2 boys. Thanks.

I have 2 boys and I absolutely adore them. They play together nicely now (most of the time) - DS2 is 10 months and DS1 is 3.9. When I had my scan with DC2 (I suspected it was a boy, DH was hoping for a girl), the sonographer told us it was a boy and told me that I will always be the princess in my house to my boys and the most loved mummy in the world - put a huge smile on my face and it really is true. Wouldnt change my boys for the world.

What you are feeling is normal - it will pass. Enjoy your pregnancy and your little one.

A child is a child and you can share many different things with your children. They will both be different in many ways and you'll pass many valuable things on to them. You will have to get used to the news, hopefully sooner rather than later, and you'll enjoy having your children around you.

Boys are fab, I have 3 and 2 girls too. I lost 2 girls also. No gender is better for either sex parent. You could have a daughter who is not everything you think it will be. You can pass loads down to your son too. A child is a blessing no matter what the sex! Having 2 or more the same is fab, same sex sibs are so close!

I think it is fab having more than one child of the same sex as they seem to get on so much better as they have more in common. I have 4 girls and it looks unlikely that I will ever have a boy and my sil has 4 boys, bedroom sharing is much easier having all one sex too.

Sorry if this sounds heartless, but you should be over the moon that you're being blessed with a healthy boy. Having a baby is a privilege - not a right, as many seem to think - and you should be grateful, not lamenting that you'd prefer a girl.

Having said that, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

I think it is probably a good thing that you found out at the scan. I secretly wanted a girl as we already have a boy and won't be having any more children. When the sonographer said "its a boy" I didn't feel disappointed that he was a boy but I felt sad that I will never have the mother-daughter relationship and get to do all the girly things.

Within a couple of weeks these feelings passed and I am now looking forward to having two boys. The other day I was thinking to myself what if she got it wrong? Maybe its a girl after all and I felt really sad at that thought, I have bonded with this baby as a boy now and I don't want him to turn out to be a girl.

You never know we will be probably go on to have a whole brood of granddaughters and get to the girl thing then. It is also an extra incentive to ensure that we make a effort to build good relationships with our future dils when the time comes.

i understand your 'disappointment' however you need to be thankful/hopeful that you will have a healthy child....health is far more important that gender.
Another boy has the advantage that you can reuse clothes/toys. Plus your 1st ds will have someone who does want to play boy type games with him etc...plus he will be your child so you will love him!
I am sure having a girl is lovely, but don't forget some of them can be little madams who develop attitudes and learn to manipulate early and may give a lot more grief in the teenage years.
I await my 2nd dc....really don't mind what it is. Have a ds already.

I think part of you always grieves a little bit for the child you won't have IYSWIM, yes you are utterly grateful for any child and it really doesn't matter which sex you have as they are all so different but at the same time once you find out the sex I think there's always a part of what if?

When we found out DD3 was a DD there was a part of me that was sad she wasn't a DS, for about a day then it passed, as it is she is the light of all our lives and there is no way I could imagine her being a boy.

I am like 4ANO - I think same sex siblings are fab, I only had a brother growing up and would have loved a sister, I envied friends who had sisters.

I am supposed to be having a scan on saturday to find out the sex of DB4 (weather permitting) and I am about 99% certain of a girl, part of me will be sad I will never be Mum to a boy but if it is a boy part of me will be sad I don't get another girl, crazy isn't it?

Hi - I felt the same (about 2nd boy) for a fleeting moment in the scan but I already have a DD and a DS so its different - I wanted DD to have a sister...as I come from a family with 3 girls, so I am sad for her not to have a same sex sibling. But DS is very excited about having a baby brother..

I have so many friends with DC who have serious health issues, that if you are blessed with 2 healthy boys thats all that important.

Its probably better to find out at the scan so you get used to it before he is born.

These feelings do pass.
I'm 28 weeks and found out at 20 week scan we are expecting our second ds. I grew up with 2 sisters and have a great relationship with my mum, so I totally get where you're coming from - sadness about the lack of that mother daughter relationship.
BUT, boys are great and my ds challenges my gender stereotypes every day. He's fun loving and giggly and so cuddly and affectionate.
Now, I am so looking forward to my two boys growing up together and the bond they'll form (and I'm sure will be surprised by how different they will be). I just think of all of the families I know with two boys, where they get on so well (most of the time!). Go easy on yourself though - it goes without saying that you're chuffed to bits to be having a healthy baby, but I do think these feelings are natural and do pass.
Congratulations by the way!

It's utterly, utterly normal to feel this way.

It's not being ungrateful or not appreciating the beauty of being able to have a child, but acknowledging the letting go of a different avenue in your life. Please don't feel that you should be guilt-ridden for having these thoughts, it's more common than people know and it's good that you can admit it and let it go now.

There are no guarantees with gender. It is merely a biological fact. These threads are always riddled with 'oh but boys love their mummies more' (poor Daddy and poor mums of girls) and 'girls are manipulative and bitchy' type generalisations and cliches. What you know is the physical make-up of your child. I have one dc who is funny and confident and stubborn and loves trains and dinosaurs, is ridiculously affectionate, polite, spirited, loves worms and snails, dolls and trucks. There is nothing about my dc's likes and personality that could pinpoint them as definitely male/female. I didn't know this when I had the scan so many moons ago. I didn't know that it actually told me nothing about the child I would have.

You know one big thing about your baby atm. In a few short months you will know so much more that makes the gender pale into insignificance.

There are practical and logical benefits to having children of the same gender and I could list them here, but the truth is that one day soon you will be so desperately in love with your complicated and unique little boy that this initial disappointment will seem a distant memory.

Congratulations. It's just the sadness of one door closing. What's behind the door left to you is going to be amazing.

GingerbreadFolk - what a lovely post

I can understand how you feel.My first was a girl and when i got pregnancy with my second I used to imagine having another girl and how they would play together be really close etc etc (it was all so perfect in my head) of course at the scan it was a boy! and although acted overjoyed to have one of each I was secretly so sad that my little vision of my family was gone!.
My little boy was born and he is three now, he shares with his sister (even things like tutus!) they are really close they play together etc so really him being a boy has made no difference to anything!.

we also have another girl and are expecting number 4(flavour unknown) in August so my ideal perfect family with two girls close in age is a mile off but actually i love how it all worked out!

give yourself time to adjust and dont feel guilty about how you feel

Oremstango I started a near identical thread last May here. There are some really lovely posts.

My DS2 is now 16 weeks old and he is the most wonderful baby in the world! I adore him more than I can put into words. I am grateful every day that I was lucky enough to have two perfect children in good health which is of course what matters most.

However, if I am to be totally honest I have not yet come to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother to a daughter. I guess this will come with time.

Go easy on yourself, it takes time to adjust to this and the best place to air your feelings is here on Mumsnet. There is always somebody here who understands and has been there already.

Good Luck.

Sit back and enjoy being the centre of their world, little boys love their mummy best.
You can be best buddies with their future wives/girlfriends. And who knows, all your grandchildren might be girls.

I completely understand what you're feeling as this is the exact reason I decided not to find out gender at our scan for our second baby (gender TBC). Unlike some of the other posters here, my thinking is that if I wait until the baby is born then I'll be too swept up in 'ooh, what a gorgeous baby' thoughts to really spend too much time going 'oh, i wish he was a girl'. If I'd have found out at the scan I reckon I'd be feeling exactly as you describe, and have months to mope over it!

As it is, I'm pretty much convinced that it is going to be a second boy so I'm in the process of telling myself that it's probably best for my first boy that it is a brother and not a sister and that they'll get on so much better, be more use to each other etc. Oh, and that I won't have to go out and buy a whole other wardrobe (although, of course, secretly I'd love to go buy lots of little girly things).

Thanks for having the bravery to post this - it makes me feel a whole lot more sane about the thoughts I've been having!

My two boys (3.5 and 19 months) are the most fun I can imagine. I love that they want to play the same sorts of games but I also love how unique each of them is - they are so different in so many ways. Two little boys are amazing and while I can understand your sadness, I promise that in a year or so you'll be as happy as I am - I'm so thrilled to have my boys!

I sometimes wonder if people would have simelar sympathy for men who are 'dissapointed' at having another girl? I know several men who made awful comments about girls 'not being the same' (some have since had daughters so hopefully they are smitten now). I also know several friends who were (their words) 'gutted' at having a 2nd/3rd boy. I never got it but gender was irrelevant to me after 2 stillbirths and 2 m/c. Both genders can acheive the same in this culture.

I think it is fine to feel some mild disappointment if you don't get the sex you want. I probably would have felt the same way to have found out this baby was a girl as I wanted 2 boys.

Anything stronger than mild and fleeting is a bit silly IMO.

I felt the same when I found out about my DS2 at my scan so can completely sympathise -always wanted girls. However the moment he came out I distinctly remember thinking how pleased I was with him and that I wouldn't have changed him for the world. There are 2 years between him and his brother and they're quite different characters but they are so into in each other and are really starting to play together so well which is lovely to watch. I'm so happy for them that they have a same sex sibling as I think they've got a better chance of being closer when they're older. My husband is always saying how envious he was of his friend's and their brothers. I'm pregs with DC3 and would dearly love a girl but I've chosen not to find out with this one. I think if I knew now it was another DS (which it statistically will be) I'd be feeling some of what you're feeling now but I know that when he comes out I'll honestly not care as I'll be so overwhelmed with love.

I think the people who've posted about mourning avenues closed are really accurate in what they're saying. When I do get a bit upset about the possibility of never having a girl I always remind myself of friends who have fought so hard to conceive one or who have had babies with problems and it soon brings me back to reality. But I know you know that already. Good luck but you don't need it cos you'll love him to bits

You'll be fine by the time you have your new baby son I felt the same on finding out that DS2 was a boy. All the disappointment about the girl-I'd-never-have went and I fell in love with him right away.

I think it's not disappointment that they're a boy, it's disappointment over the child you won't have if that makes sense. You still love the one you get.

As it happens, I later went on to have a third, a girl, and I was upset to spoil my Boy Gang There is no sense to pregnancy hormones.

Thanks for the words of wisdom ladies. Gingerbread you got me quite teary, lovely thoughts for sure! I am feeling much more positive thanks and as I look at my husband believe they could have no better male role model in their life which really helps.

Expecting another boy has been very interesting as it's brought up loads of gender bias (quite a few people have said, 'shame you won't have a girl') as if the mum-daughter bond is a guarantee or stronger than a mother-son bond. I ever had one friend respond to me news saying I must be disappointed not to have a girl. Quite rude really.

I know I will continue to have so much to learn from my 2 little boys, who thankfully are entering a world where they can choose their own way beyond gender pre-conceptions.

I am due to have a fourth boy! SO many people said 'you must be hoping for a girl' that I had a scan and found out early just so I could say 'We're-having-a-baby-it's-a-boy'. (Knew it would be a boy! I don't think we make anything else!)

I had a day or two of slight sadness that I would never have a daughter but tbh am now very very glad that I will have a band of four sons, it feels very special, they are such a great gang together and I like being the only girl. You'll love it.

I totally sympathise. I am 19 weeks and found out at 12 weeks that I was having another boy and was very disappointed for all the reasons you describe. I am one of three girls and I can't imagine a house full of men! My brother in law who is one of two boys assures me that growing up in their household was rather more straightforward than our family of alpha females! No debates just mum told them what to do and they got on with it. That cheered me up! We are tempted to have a third, but I'm not sure that I could cope with 3 boys (and my first two are only going to be 13 months apart so that might be tiring enough for me to think 2 is enough.) All the best with your new little fella - I'm sure that when he arrives you wouldn't want him to be anything other than himself.