The Terrors!

[plus30]

Hi All. I don't often post on here but I'm in desperate need of help! I'm 6 weeks pregnant with second child - I have much cherished four year old daughter already. But I don't feel elated, or even pleased. Both my husband and I had been of the attitude that we would like a sibling for our little one but now that it has happened we are in complete shock - I might even go as far as to say depression in my case! I feel so ungrateful for saying this, as I know people try for years and have no luck, but I'm terrified. i could weep (am weeping) at the thought of our little girl having to cope with the changes that are ahead of her. I'm also terrified about my work situation (which I know is daft but can't help it). I have been self employed for the past two eyars so won't even have maternity pay to tide me over. Am I being completely selfish and over dramatic or has anyone else ever felt like this?! Thanks in advance to anyone who can make me feel better

Oh sweetheart! Firstly congrats even if it perhaps doesn't feel like it at the moment.
Secondly you are not alone. There are some other threads on at the moment with a very similar theme so please don't feel you are selfish or ungrateful!
I am also in the same unenviable position and it really takes the wind out of your sails.
I thought i would be shouting from the roof tops and crying with elation but all I want to do is curl up and moan!!
I believe a lot is to do with hormones but also its a bit overwhelming if its something you have been anticipating for a long time.
Deep breaths and heres hoping we get a bit of sunshine soon

Hi Plus30

Like you I am very close to my DS, I adore him (terrible MIL alert for years to come! ).

I have always 'wanted' another child, as I am an only child I was not keen on the idea of Ds being an only (only because my own experiences of being an 'only' weren;'t great so I'm biased).

Now I am pregnant, my feelings are mixed also. I keep thinking about how different things will be for all of us, but DS in particular. It is true to say I am not 100% 'thrilled' about having less time for him etcx.

But on the other hand, I am trying to focus on all of the great things that will happen for Ds now, he will not know the (potential)loneliness of being an only, and instead of having just Me and his dad to play with, interact with etc there will another child on tap for him (not straight away I know lol!).

Overall I am just 'having faith' that this is the right thing and trying to go with the flow!!

I am the same. Im 36 weeks pg though.

My dd is 18mo and I still cant imagine how life is going to change in a few weeks.

So many people on MN have told me its fine and you will love the baby as much as your other dc.

I am going to make sure that when dc2 sleeps I give dd my full attention. I cant wait to be able to give her a proper cuddle again and run around with her.

I was in total shock when I got a bfp this time, it happened instantly. Once you have your scan you will feel better, buying little outfits again is fun and when you feel baby move it is great. I am so looking forward to having a little baby again now with the added bonus of having dd who is such good fun.

Good luck

Not selfish. Not over-dramatic. Just pregnant and in shock! Give yourself a break, OP. It takes time to adjust to such a major life change.

We were desperate for a baby for nearly 3 years before we eventually conceived, but I've had feelings of ambivalence towards the pregnancy and even at times thought it could be a terrible mistake. I have learnt that these emotions are completely normal and you shouldn't feel guilty for having them.

Good luck with everything XXXX

And you do get some maternity pay if you are self employed - either maternity allowance or SMP (if you are a director of your own ltd co).

I'm in a similar position too, plus30, I'm 26 wks pregnant with number 2, DS is 2.4 and I've never got past the terrors really, despite having nearly 5 months to get used to the idea!

When you think about it, the excitement you feel when you're pregnant the first time is often quite idealistic - this time you know what's coming and, if you're anything like me, also can't imagine how on earth you could love another baby as much as your first, don't know how you'll cope with less sleep than you're already on, and spend your life doing things for your first child while thinking "how the hell am I going to manage doing this with a baby to look after as well?"

I don't have answers - but lots of sympathy. I still feel guilty when people say "oh you must be so excited" and I smile and nod while thinking "no, actually I'm fucking bricking it."

We'll manage, plenty of people do.

And I'm also self-employed (I was when I had DS, too) and you're entitled to about £450 a month for 9 months through Maternity Allowance. Look it up on the government website and get your MAT B1 form from your midwife.

Chin up, pet. You'll be fine!

Hi

Firstly congrats!
I have 2DS who are 5 and 3, and I felt exactly the same as you when i was expecting DS2, was worried sick how DS1 was going to be affected but we just included him in everything we did with the newborn, allowing him lots of (supervised)cuddles with the baby, letting him be chief nappy changing helper etc.
Now they are a older you couldnt get a closer brother relationship, its such a lovely feeling that they've got each other not only to play with but also when they are adults. They have totally different personalities which is why i think it works so well.

Im expecting DD1 at the end of the month and again those feelings right at the beginning of the pregnancy came back but soon disappeared after 1st scan. I also was terrified how the new baby was going to affect the boys relationship if baby was a boy.
Sorry cant offer any advice regarding work but somehow you WILL work things and get by.

Good Luck

Not selfish, just in shock and awash with pregnancy hormones. With my first it felt so right to be pregnant, with my second - also much wanted, but taken by surprise - I worried that I was making a terrible mistake. That feeling eased over the months, it did not last.

You dd will cope marvellously with the changes ahead. It is so exciting to have a baby, and she will be old enough to get involved.

Take things one little step at a time. You don't need to talk with your dd about the pregnancy yet, you can wait until you get your head around it first. AN depression is not hugely unusual, and you can talk to your GP about it, or your HV if you prefer.

Make any changes to your dd's life earlier, so she had a chance to get used to anything new well before the baby is born - if she has to change bedroom, for example. Let her know that new babies can be quite a pain: they cry and they poo, and they can't play games at first, but they do become more fun as they get older.

As for love (I know you didn't mention it, but many people think it), don't worry about that either. There is no limit to the amount of love a person can feel or express. You will still love your dd just as much after the baby is born, if not even more, and you will have just as much love for the new baby as you had for the first.

My eldest was 2 when dc2 was born, so a little different to you, but when I was pg I got him used to sitting next to me on the sofa with a book on a cushion on his lap when I read to him. That way I could still read to him wwhile I was breastfeeding the baby. He got to feel that feeds were often his special time because he got to have a cuddle and an uninterupted story.

Hello Ladies
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to my earlier email. And I didn't even mention that Im 38 and my dh is 40! Oh my god, I was supposed to be grown up and responsibl by this stage in my life!! Every single reply is appreciated and snowtiger the fact that you are still feeling a bit like me almost 5 months into your pregnancy makes me smile out loud! Not because I'm wishing my terrors on anyone else but just because it feels so much better to know there are others going through the same emotions. Right now I'm finding it hard to see how it will all work out, but ultimately I know that it will...as someone much wiser than me once said it's not the things that happen to us in life that make us the person we are, but rather how we deal with them Good luck to each and every one of you over the coming weeks and months and thanks again for your support. x

Hi plus30,

I'm 34 weeks pregnant with DS2, DS1 is 3 in a couple of weeks. My first pregnancy was a time of complete happiness and a feeling of being so blessed.
This time, in spite of the fact that this pregnancy was achieved through fertility treatment, it has been the complete opposite. From the minute I saw the positive home pregnancy test, instead of elation there was an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and of having made a terrible mistake. I realised that life was just so easy and manageable with only one child and that DS1 was now increasingly independent, toilet trained, feeding himself, sleeping well etc. and life was just getting so much easier and I dreaded, still dread, the thought of a return to the sheer exhaustion of the first 6 months of a new baby, the sterilising, night feeds etc etc.
Being in hospital for hyperemesis in the first trimester didn't help me feel that I hadn't made a terrible mistake and generally my feelings throughout have not gotten much better.
I think once i get my body back to myself and this pregnancy is over, I'll start to feel more positive and see that it will be lovely for DS1 to have a baby brother. I don't think the effects of hormones, exhaustion, heartburn, piles, nausea and all the other lovely things that often go with pregnancy impacting negatively on one's mental state can be underestimated

Just to let you know you're not alone as it's very difficult to be feigning delight in RL when congratulated by others on the 'great news' and inside, one is feeling despair and 'if only I could turn back the clock.' It's great to be able to post here on MN and find that others too have these feelings.

Grallagh x