Husband - Am I Being Unfair?

[OzKate]

Hi there, hope you might have some words of wisdom for me! I'm 6 wks pregnant with my 1st baby and my husband and I were both over the moon when we found out, I'm 36 so I suppose there was the inevitable can-we-can't-we worries. I've told my Mum & my sister and we're going to try and keep it at until my first scan. My Mum used to be a midwife and my sister has 2 girls so I couldn't wait to tell them! Anyway, just lately, I've been wishing that my husband could be a bit more excited about the pregnancy and I don't know whether I'm being fair on him or not (feeling quite irritable at the mo!). I know that he's happy but I just wish he would show it a bit more, I don't know. I know that he has concerns about work, we both work in TV which is such insecure and unsteady work, and he doesn't have a contract lined up at the moment, which I'm sure is worrying him. Also, I'm from Australia and since I found out I was pregnant, it's become pretty clear to me that no matter how difficult the logistics are, I really want to have my baby at home, in Oz. So, maybe that concerns him too. I feel a bit guilty discussing this but as I'm not telling my girlfriends about my pregnancy just yet, I can't ask for their advice or if they experienced the same. He's been wonderful in sharing my concerns about what I'm eating and all the of that, and was really supportive at Christmas when I couldn't drink and we kept smiling at each other over the same glass of mulled wine I had in my hand all day (which no one noticed of course!). But maybe I just wish he'd be happy to discuss the future a bit more and give me the impression that he's thinking about this as much as I obviously am. Very long winded, apologies, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Firstly, congratulations!!!

I think, for my DH at least, the first few months, when nothing outwardy changed, it was hard for him to be excited, once the initial 'omg we are having a baby' emotions wore off. For him, i looked the same, but perhaps even became a bit moany (hormones) with i guess nothing to 'show' for it apart from sickness. It did not really seem to real, and I suspect also there was an element of fear it might not all work out so not to get to excted until the 12wk scan. For me, I was excited I knew there was a little baby growing inside me, I could feel the changes, the tiredness, the ever so slight thickening of my waist, the morning sickness.

As time wore on, as I grew a bump and once DH saw our baby at the scans (we had a few), and then the baby moving, it became more and more real for him, and he became more involved in the excitement i felt.

Also, job insecurity can put a lot of pressure on things. I have just had our secod baby (5wks old today) and DH lost his job at the beginning of the pregnancy, he spent much of our pregnancy pre-occupied about money and how to support us.

Give it some time. At the moment, things are happening to you much more than they are to him but it will change. I am sure of it.

Good luck

They just don't "get" it until you are visibly pregnant and they can start to feel movements.
My DH and I had a massive row before the 12 week scan because I thought he wasn't interested - yet now he is riveted because he can see her and feel her moving (I'm 37 weeks)

Remember they don't have the pregnancy symptoms that we do and because it's not their bodies it doesn't feel so real. Don't be too hard on him yet

have you talked to him, properly, about the future and what you both want from it?

moving halfway round the world is a huge thing (as you know!)- do you think he is worried about moving so far from his family. I can understand totally why you want to go back to Australia... but for similar reasons he may wish he could stay here (family etc)

I dunno, I do find that men seem to clam up sometimes when stressed/worried so maybe it's just that?

Ditto, dh is supportive but until he could see and feel the bump and, tbh, hold the baby in his arms he was less involved than me. He is btw a totally smitten father.

IME (preg with no.4) once the initial excitement of the positive test wears off, blokes don't get excited until you are actually showing, and even then, it is only for the first pregnancy!

DH was very protective and caring with 1st preg, was a bit 'meh' with the second, was annoyingly attentive with the 3rd and this time again is a bit 'meh'. Put his hand on to feel the baby moving 'tother night as you can feel them from outside now and he smiled and now that's it. He won't pick up again until I need him to take me to hosp, then he will be action stations and suprisingly handy and level headed, then will cry when the baby comes out.

DH is very 'hands on' and can't really get excited about things he can't see/physically feel.

My DH was over the moon but not excited at the start. Then around 20 weeks he wanted to feel the baby moving and was disappointed I was feeling the kicks but not him. Now he is proud to share the kicks at nights as I use him like a pillow!
On NY night, when we wished Happy New Year to each others we were both in tears because we suddenly realized that our life will change forever in 4 weeks and he now can't wait to meet this LO.

So I think it takes a while to sink in, and if they are not use to show their emotions it may be frustrated but I will say give him some time and try to make sure he will come for the 1st scan as it will make it real for him.

Good luck

Totally understandable, you need to talk about how feasible will it be giving birth in Australia? Airlines have a limit on when you can fly. If you both work here, would you need to take an early maternity leave? And would dh join you later? Or, as he is contractless at the moment, are you proposing a permanent move back to Oz in the next few months?

Definately agree with the others my dh was excited initially but then not really until he could feel movements and now he cant wait to meet baby - am 39 weeks with first and also 36

I must be hormonal, all of your posts make such good sense, I'm actually sitting here in tears! Thank you very much. Well, Australia has been in the pipeline for a couple of years now, we're both freelance, so we think that this might just push things along a bit sooner, but, yes, I can completely understand his concerns regarding that, and I understand the flying restrictions as well. He's already told his family that we're going, maybe he just has a million thoughts running through his head, whereas right now I can only think about one thing! BTW, I would hate to give the impression that we don't ever talk, we're the best of friends, it's just that I'm being a bit conscious not to harp on about 'future responsibilities blah blah blah', and he is a bit of a 'clammer-upper' when he has a lot on his mind, I figure there will be plenty of time to worry, so for now, why not just enjoy this time and I really want him to enjoy it too! Also I have 4 nieces and nephews and most of my girlfriends now have 2 or 3 children, but there haven't been any babies in his immediate family, or with many of his friends, so this is all very, very new to him. The more I think about it the more I feel sorry for him! Oh no! That's not right, and here I was hoping this would all be about me, me me! Honestly though, thank you very much for your replies, have been thinking about this for a while and tonight thought, blow it, I'm going to ask those who know best, you've thrown some light on the subject for me and I can relax a bit now. It's funny isn't it, I would be even more weirded out if he'd raced out to stock up on parenting books and started painting the spare room straight away, never happy!

My DH found it hard to envisage until after the scan when he saw the fluttering heartbeat.... I think its hard for men as they don't have the pregnancy hormones. He will be excited but its unfair to expect this now!

re: Australia - probably easier to give birth here and then fly with new baby as you'd probably have to go to Oz ages before the birth as long haul flights not recommended in third trimeter.

My DH is the same!!! I am now 16+6 and still not showing, but the other night we were in bed and I said, 'I think I can feel it moving' and he was wide-eyed and asked immediately if he could feel. Also last week I got a bad water infection and wandered into the bathroom in the morning and said to him (he was in the shower), 'I've been awake since 4 with abdominal pains' and he just went white. I had to virtually revive him to tell him that it was just my bladder and not baby-related!!!
I think the interest increases later in the day.