Before I start - I am a chap, so posting on here might seem a bit bizarre. I have also heard about the fearsome reputation of Mumsnet, so please be gentle, but I wasn't quite sure where else I could ask this kind of question.
I've been put in a slightly awkward position by a friend, and I need some advice. He has specifically asked me not to speak to anyone (including my soon-to-be fiance), but I needed to get advice from somewhere and I can't ask any of our group of friends as he doesn't want anyone to know about this.
Before I start this isn't hypothetical, but genuinely isn't happening to me. Please direct any vitriol at my unnamed 3rd party - I want advice, not abuse.
My friend (in his late 20's) has been in an on off relationship with a girl for about a year. She wasn't particularly 'stable' in conventional terms, and the relationship was always quite rocky. They split up about five months ago as her behaviour became more and more erratic. He recently accepted a job in the very North of England, after living in London all his life, and is leaving after Christmas. In a drunken detour a month ago, they ended up sleeping together, and he didn't wear a condom as she confirmed she was still on the pill (as she had been during the course of their initial relationship).
She has just told him that she is four weeks pregnant. She has also confirmed that she hasn't slept with anyone else, so it has to be his. After the initial shock, he asked me for advice, which is where you come in.
His first thought was that they should consider an abortion (I am not going to debate this here - we are both pro choice, as is she, so it isn't an issue. Ditto RE any religious objections ? we are all atheists) for a myriad of reasons:
- They aren't, and won't be, in a relationship ever again.
He doesn't want to bring a child into the world if it isn't in a loving, stable, long term relationship. He had already made the decision a long time ago that he doesn't want to be with her.
- He is moving to the North
He has just finished a PHD for his chosen career, and the job he has been working towards can only be done 500 miles away from London. There is no chance this situation will change.
- She has no-one to help her
Although she has a couple of close mates, her parents are dead, and her sister lives abroad. She lives with quite frankly, two complete deadbeats.
His parents are livid at him, but also can't stand her after some of the things she has done in the past, and want nothing to do with any child born by her. I am not even going to get into this, except to say I don't think this is a particulary useful attitude, and have said as much to him.
- She is exceptionally naive and emotionally unstable
She hasn't thought through any of the consequences (emotional, practical or financial) of having this baby. He has had to spell everything out to her that she hasn't thought of, and she was completely unaware of all things having a child required. She also has had many issues in the past which I won?t go into here ? but fundamentally she can?t cope with her own life, let alone anyone elses.
- Minor point - She is financially in a terrible place
He only recently found out she is £25k in debt (not including student loan), and is about to file for voluntary insolvency. She is also likely to be made redundant in the next three months, so will have no maternity pay, and immediately have to bring up any child on benefits.
Fundamentally then I agree with him that an abortion, whilst he obviously can't tell her what to do - is the best outcome for this child. Now we get to the crux of the matter - although she was open to discussion initally, she has now said no, without providing any reason other than 'I want the baby'.
I appreciate that a mother's love for a child is one of the most powerful things in the world, but I still think this is a ridiculous decision in light of her circumstances. Regardless, I doubt she will listen to any rational argument, so my friend is now assuming the child is coming.
As you can imagine, he is (perhaps understandably) quite bitter about the whole situation.
He is already reasonably annoyed at me, as I have bluntly told him that this was an accident waiting to happen as he had a reputation for not wearing condoms anyway, and I have minimal sympathy for the position he has got himself in. He genuinely believes that she came off the pill deliberately to trap him into staying with her. Based on past behaviour, in all honesty, I wouldn't put it past her. Regardless of this, I still reminded him that is was his responsibility to wear a condom, pill or not.
Where we really divulge, is that he literally wants nothing to do with the child if she has it. He has requested her to put him down as 'Father Unknown' on the birth certificate, so the child won't be able to identify him in the future. He is happy to pay maintenance towards the upbringing of the child remotely via bank transfer, but that's it.
Up to a point - I can appreciate his point of view. He has been trapped into having a child he doesn't want, with a person he doesn't want one with, and it will be brought into a less than ideal environment for it to have a chance of a happy, stable upbringing.
He doesn't understand why his entire life should be completely turned upside down because of this child. He doesn?t believe he should have to take any responsibility for something he has done everything in his power to stop occurring, and has occurred because someone has wilfully ignored his wishes and all logic. He completely rejects the idea that this child is more important than him, and doesn?t want to be emotionally blackmailed into supporting her choice.
But for me, I disagree.
I think that his made to the decision to have sex, and therefore, he has to live with the consequences of his actions ? this child. I reject the idea that abandoning this child is the right thing to do. I believe he has a moral and legal right to bring up this child to the best of his ability, regardless if he has to do it abet remotely from the North.
Quite simply I think that the only thing that is important now is what is best for this child? And I genuinely believe that it would be better to have a known father, abet one that is honest about the circumstances of the child?s birth, than none at all. The best outcome for this child is not to have no father at all.
I am really worried if he doesn?t just move off and have nothing to do with it, he is just storing up the problem for the future, and potentially creating a seriously messed up kid. He thinks his decision to have no part in this child?s life does not necessarily precipitate a miserable depressed childhood. I agree, but personally I think with the circumstances the child will be born into, it is certainly more likely and will be a direct result of his decision.
He is convinced that the child won?t be able to find him, so all of this isn?t an issue. I strenuously disagree, and think that regardless at some stage this child will find him, so he might as well face up to it now rather than this child appear at a random point in the future.
I don't know if my thinking is slightly out of sorts, as unknown to him, I have already had to deal with a similar issue as a naive teenager. Although in the end my girlfriend at the time did have an abortion, I was fully prepared to step up to plate and become a Dad. In addition, I am planning on getting married and having kids myself, so perhaps have a slightly different frame of reference than he does being an archetypical bachelor for the past five years.
I appreciate that posting this on Mumsnet, means that potentially opinions from a pack of Mums and Mums-to-be might be a bit biased towards him being a complete shit. I am not particulary happy with him either as you might have guessed, but I do understand his predicament (sort of).
So what do you think?
Should he pretend it has nothing to do with him?
Or accept his responsibilty for this baby, and start thinking about how his life will work when it arrives?
I am seeing him over Christmas, so any advice sooner rather than later would be appreciated. Anyone that responds thank you in advance.