Help!!!......Unexpected pregnancy.

[NinjaTurtle]

I have just discovered that I am expecting (two positive home pregnancy tests) but I really do not know how to react. I'm only 20 and have just re-started my first year at university, so it's not an ideal time. I took the morning after pill within 72 hours, but it hasn't worked. Right now I don't welcome the idea of a child, but at the same time, can't bear the idea of an abortion particularly. Any advice please?

NinjaTurtle must be a very difficult decision. Haven't been in that position myself but wanted to give a sympathy bump. I'm sure someone on mumsnet will have faced a similar choice. Hope you can come to a decision which you are happy with. Have you discussed it with the babies father?

I'm in a sort of similar situation. I finished my degree in July and was due to start a one year Masters in September. Just 1 week before my course started, da daaa! I found out I was pregnant. I rang the uni straight away and explained, but they said as I'm due in May and would need to go on "maternity study" in March/April that I'd effectively miss a whole semester. They've let me defer the MA for up to two years though once LO is a bit older. Have you spoken to your university? I'm guessing this is your Bachelors degree? Can you do the course via correspondence? This wasn't an option for me as my MA will be a practical course. Sure you'll make the right decision for you

I have a friend who had a baby in the 2nd year of a three year degree. It was hard going but uni were very supportive. She graduated with a 2:1

Do you have family that could help out? What about the father?

Having said I had a termination (different circs though) and although it wasn't exactly easy going, it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Is there anything sepcific that you want to know? Clearly we can't tell you what to do - only you can make that decision - but I suppose we might help in a small way.

I'm in a very different situation (married, already have one child) but have been facing an unexpected pregnancy following the failure of 3 contraceptives.

My decision was easy, I cannot keep the baby. I have spent today with the family planning clinic and they have been wonderful. They are an amazing service and would provide you with a friendly ear and good, accurate information and advice while you come to a decision.

You have plenty of time over the course of the pregnancy to get used to the idea and there are many women on this site who have studied whilst having small children, so it can be done. Have you told anyone in real life yet?

Thank you for the replies. I've told a couple of close friends, but I haven't told any family yet. Tbh I am not currently considering the father as it wasn't anything serious, we used a condom, which broke, then the morning after pill hasn't worked, so it's just bad luck I guess. My thinking at the moment is to keep the baby, as I have read about abortion and know one or two people who have experienced one themselves, who regretted it, and either continue with my first year and talk to the university, to see if I could take a year out, or my other option is to drop out completely and then take up my studies again when the LO is a bit older, and study closer to home, as I am currently 200 miles away.

hi ninja

im am in a similar situation and have been previously too...i had an unexpected preg 2 years ago which i reluctantly terminated and have regretted ever since...i am now doing my pgce teacher training and am preg again...im going to the finish the year as i wont be due until end of july...it is ultimately ur decision but there are ways around having the baby and deferring ur studies etc...good luck with ur decision xx

Hi Ninja.

Like many others, I am in a similar situation to you. I found out I was pg with DS at the start of my second year of my degree. Went on to have DS 2 weeks before the end so managed to get everything done, including my research project. Decided to take a year off from the third year which I went back to this September and guess what? Found out on the very day I enrolled at uni that I am pg again. The baby is due before my course actually ends but I am going for it, haven't got the time to waste!

It can be done but it is really hard work, especially in the early and late stages. It just depends how much you want to finish it.

I found out I was pregnant with DD1, just as I started the last year of my A levels..I was nearly 19 at the time..I carried on with the pregnancy and DD was born 2 weeks after I took my last exam....I took some time out..had another baby at 21 then split with my partner..I then signed up to an OU course and although it was hard..with 2 small children..ds was 10 months..I managed it...I lived 230 miles away from my family so didnt have any help...DD is 18 herself now and at uni..

it is doable..it just means there will be some re jigging and maybe putting some plans on hold for a while.....however..only you can decide and I can remember agonising over whether Id made the right decision..before I finally decided what to do

My SIL had two children in the course of her degree. She took a year out after the frist one, and completed her dissertation when DD2 was a few days old.

I also want to point out that not everyone regrets abortion. However as you don't seem to like the idea of it then amybe it isn't for you.

I'm slightly reluctant to say this because it sounds as if you're reaching a decision, Ninja. Also of course I don't want to patronise you.

But please take everything you read on the Internet about abortion with an almighty pinch of salt. A lot of stuff (most maybe) is pretty suspect to say the least - with a definate pro-life agenda. I know that a lot of all information on the Internet is duff (no pun intended) but abortion is a special case and really takes the biscuit imo. Ditto so-called pregnancy advice organisations.

Sermon over

Since you say you can't bear the idea of abortion it probably isn't for you. Have you considered adoption? If neither of these are options for you, I'm sure you will make a great mother and I wish you the best of luck

I found I was pregnant at 19 in my first year at university after a brief relationship because of a failed condom/morning after pill, like you. After some counselling, I took the decision to have an abortion, which was sad but I felt it was the right decision for me at the time.

I am now happily married with no.3 on the way. I feel very fortunate that I have had the chance to go on to have children.

Good luck with your decision. I'm sure you will find the best way for you. I think there are loads of advtanges to having a child when you are fairly young yourself. You sound much more mature than I was: I was terrified of the whole thing to be honest!

Best of luck xx

Thanks everyone, it's helped me hearing some success stories. I shall be talking to the university over the next few days, to see what their policy is on taking time off and such, which will obviously help a lot. I have briefly though about adoption, but I don't think I would be able to go through with it. I'm now also very apprehensive about telling my family, as I have already done one year at uni, but after a year, I decided I didn't like the course/university, so I've essentially started again, so I am quite scared about how my family will react at this 'development'.

Do you think you would you be able to give up for adoption?

I was pg at 16 and I can honestly say I could not ever have done anything more worth while with my life if I had waited to have children.

Like you I was scared about telling my family but they were great, I wouldn't have aborted my baby to make them happy even if they had not been supportive. I would never have forgiven myself. This is your life not theirs.

I laughed when I did the test, my friend said why are you laughing? I said what is the point of crying? Having a baby is a happy occasion.

I had my eldest DS when I was 19, he was born the week I was supposed to start at Nursing College. I have since had 3 more DS's and they are now 14, 9, 5 & 3.

When DS 4 was 6mo I went back to Uni, I was 30! This September I graduated with my BA and have been encouraged to do my MA.

It wasn't easy studying with 4 DC's, a DH and all the other life stuff but I got there and if I can anyone can, believe me.

I know you are probably in the horrors just now, I know I was but it can work. I'd speak to your Uni and see what they advise as I had started 1st year when I found out about DS4 and while they were happy for me to stay on and complete (I had him 8 weeks before exams) I had to defer due to health probs. They welcomed me back the following year though and I didn't look back.

Ninjaturtle - one of my mum friends who is a bit younger than me (about 25 now) came over here on secondment from Brazil in her first year of uni where she was studying law. She ended up marrying a guy and getting pregs with her first at 22. Naturally she stayed and dropped out of her course. She had her second at 24. I don't think she regrets any of her decisions (esp. not the kids) and she's planning on starting a midwifery course this Sept when hers will be just 4 and 2. It's not holding her back - having the kids has sort of changed her path a bit but she's glad she's going to be doing midwifery now and not law and she's also young so loads of time on her side for career. Things don't always go to plan in life but plans can easily change and I personally don't think you'll ever regret your kids (I say this being a big career girl myself and then having kids and realising how much better than career they are). Good luck with whatever you decide.

I also wanted to mention a friend of mine who accidentally got pregnant at age 20 (3 out of the 4 of us who were sharing a house at the time actually had surprise pregnancies...after that our landlady refused to drink the water at our house! ) and is managing her (now 3 yr old) DD just fine. She has a great job and though she and her DD's father are now divorced, they care for their daughter together and my friend is taking college courses again.

It is possible, no matter what others say, if it's really and truly what you want. My friend who had her baby quite young is a very organized and mature person, which you seem to be too.

I think the most important thing, though, is to weigh what you really want, whether that means continuing the pregnancy or not.

I have a dd who my ex and i tried for for 4 and a half years. we had given up all hope of ever becoming pg when i found out i was expecting. i was in my 2nd year of nurse training, managed to finish my course and qualify 4 months later than i would have originally.

My current situation is i am in a very new (3 months) relationship and have just found out i am 5 wks pg, a total shock. it has huge implications as i was about to move 90 miles away to live with my folks for a bit as financially i am in dire straights since splitting from my daughters dad. I had just applied for and been offered a job, was planning on where to send dd to school, where to store my stuff, childcare and everything. I had just made all these really huge decisions when we found out. it was a HUGE shock and i thought about abortion but have concluded that it is just not for me. i look at my daughter and she is the light of my life, so despite all the reasons not to i am going to have the baby and getting rather excited about it. whatever decision you come to, it IS possible, with support, to study while pg/with newborn. the uni will do all they can to support you, simply because if you stay....they get more money! They were very good with me letting me have extensions on assignments and such.

I wish you the very best whatever you decide x

im only 20 yrs old and 25 weeks pregnant, i wasnt at uni but had a bery demanding job, to which i just explained my situation and they were very supportive honestly hun you can do it if you want to god luck with whatever you choose to do