relationship with your own mum when you are pregnant.

[marthamay]

Hello! I'm pretty new to posting here, but spend loads of time reading - it's so helpful.

I was just wondering if there was anyone who had a difficult relationship with their own mum when they were pregnant. Here is my situation, I'd love any feedback or opinions:
I'm 22 weeks with my first baby. I live in the UK but my mum and stepdad live in Australia (i'm an aussie) my mum has been really upset that she can't be here while I am pregnant, and really jealous of my in-laws because they are so close by, so they are more involved. I understand, but there is nothing I can do but try to keep her as involved as possible by communicating regularly.
Last week I had my 20 week scan and found out I was having a little boy (so exciting!). We got out of the hospital pretty late and I was so exhausted that I went straight to bed. I was so excited when I got up in the morning to call my parents and tell them the news...BUT my mum just got angry at me!! Apparently she had left loads of messages on my mobile (turned off cause I was asleep) and was absolutely furious that I hadn't called her immediately. She couldn't even get excited about the news, she was so angry. After a few minutes I just had to get off the phone, I was so upset. I haven't spoken to her since. It's left me feeling really depressed and alone but I don't want to call again in case I get a similar reaction. She hasn't tried to call again. My stepdad wrote and told me that I should be the adult in this situation and apologise to my mum or suffer the consequences.
I feel really upset and hurt by her reaction and honestly, don't really feel I need to apologise...but am I being too selfish?
I just feel so vulnerable.
What should I do?
Any advice would be welcome....
Thank youxxxx

What mother daughter relationship isn't complicated !? I completely empathise with how difficult this can be sometimes.

However, in this particular case I think I can sort of understand your mother...the 20 week scan is a big deal and she may have been worried that something came up and you were too distraught to call. For any other scan I would have said her reaction would have been very unwarranted, but for something like this I can sort of see why she may have been upset. I might have sent a short email or txt to say that all was well and that I would call in the morning.

Tbh, if it had been my daughter I would have been very worried to not hear anything.

I hope you manage to resolve this soon...

I do feel for you as I have been through the mill with my mother.

However, you are absolutely not in the wrong or selfish... and I am surprised that your stepfather is getting involved, he really shouldn't.

I think we all go through big relationship shifts when ones focus changes from being a daughter to being a mother. I am afraid you need to look upon it as a rite of passage and accept that change like this is painful and can leave you feeling anxious or depressed. It will of course pass too and get better.

I don't think you should apologise and you certainly don't have to be the adult... but it is probably as good a time as any to decide, on your own terms, that you will be.

In your position I would kindly tell her maybe by email that you are sorry that she is so upset (but don't say sorry that you didn't call!) but that you were too tired to call her and it would be shame to fall out over this. I would give her a little update about the baby and how you are feeling to keep communication open and then let her deal with it her own way and in her own time.

Try not to get upset if she behaves badly or doesn't reply. Just keep channels open and friendly... but also repel any attacks if necessary but keeping to email and not giving attention to bad behaviour e.g. just ignore rude messages, don't take rude calls: calmly end them if she starts being difficult. It is painful and will push all your buttons but it will get better over time (but might take quite a while!).

My mother is (slowly) learning that things have changed/are changing (she has tried to keep me all to herself in many ways)... but that there is still a place for her in my life... but that it is a different one although still very important.

Best of luck.

Hi, marthamay, I am in a similar boat to you in that I am pregnant and live in a different country from my mother.

I totally agree with lucy: be "grown-up" (whatever exactly that means) but on your own terms.
You cannot influence how your mother feels or reacts, but you can decide how you are going to react to her reaction, IYKWIM.
"I am sorry you are upset" is true and should pour oil on water without apologising for something you feel justified in (going to bed because you were tired). IF however you do feel bad about not contacting her, then apologise for that; you'll feel better. This is not a time for point scoring.

My brother and his wife live v close to my parents and have a bit of a problem with how very very involved my mum wants to be , so at times I feel lucky she cannot just "drop in". Far more often I miss having her not closer by...
However after the umpteenth time of her telling me that I was irresonsible/mad/too impulsive to be expecting DS4, v much planned and wanted 4th child, I did have to tell her to mind her own business - not in those words, mind you!

I hope you can resolve this quickly and without too much emotional fall-out.

I think (from my own experience) that what both lucy and teletubby have written is good advice. As your mother is so far away, and in a different time zone, it might have been better to not mention in advance what appointments you have, which gives you the opportunity to keep her informed but according to your schedule.

As lucy says, the mother/daughter relationship does change, and sometimes that's difficult for the mother to adapt to. In my case, I upset my mother when I told her of my decisions regarding visiting me and my first born in hospital. That was back in the day when mothers and babies stayed in hospital for ten days, and visiting by other than fathers/partners was restricted to Thursdays and Sundays. My daughter was born on a Friday, and I decided that my parents-in-law should visit the following Sunday, and my parents the Thursday after. I don't think my mother ever understood that decision, but I made it on the basis that my parents-in-law were older, their first son (my BIL) had by then been married for 15 years without children so they had been excited from when we first told them that I was pregnant that they would after all those years be blessed with grandchildren; plus my sister had given birth just a month earlier so my mother had only recently had the experience of being a first-time grandmother. There is something about mothers and daughters (and other family relationships) that sometimes defies explanation.

The best thing to do is to keep the channels of communication open but control that from your side to avoid this kind of situation arising in the future. Emails might be better than phone calls until things calm down. If you had let your mother know about the date and time of the scan beforehand I could imagine her wanting to know immediately what the results were, and maybe was fearing the worst from the delay. But if there is to be an adult in this situation, I'd have to think that your mother should have been more "adult". For her to be out of contact might have been scary for her, but she isn't justified in being angry.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to write these responses. I think you are all right and I have a lot to think about.
It's always been complicated with my mum, and I think that it brings back a lot of memories about growing up - I think it freaked me out so much because, being pregnant I feel so much more vulnerable, and I just don't want to put myself in the line of fire and become emotionally distressed.
It's a real comfort to know that I'm not the only one who has a complicated relationship with their mother, and yes I think it will change a lot over the next few years.
Oh, forgot to mention above - another reason I didn't contact my mum as soon as I got out was because of the time difference - when I went to bed it was still only about 4am in Australia; but OMG I wish I had just written a quick email and avoided all this fuss!
Lucy101 - I really appreciate your advice and it rings true, thanks:-)

I think this indicates that your mother is quite controlling. Sure you did not want to worry or upset her by not calling immediately but she has no reason to be angry ( apart from that she thinks you should do what she wants before anything else).

I think when you are pregnant mother daughter ralationships with this dynamic get lots of strss as you are sometimes unable to do what she wants or you start to realise that what you want is central because you need to look after yourself and eventually your baby. So your behaviour pattern to each other is changing and there iwill be resistance to this

Its actually her who is being selfish and behaving badly. That doesnt mean you should retaliate. I think Lucy101 sketched out good way forward.

Good luck and I hope she gets herself in perspective. But mainly dont feel bad, they are putting pressure for you to feel guilty and you will because you are breaking out of a usual behaviour pattern. But really you dont have anything to feel bad about.