Considering adoption

[AshleyStar]

Hi there. Not sure if this is the right place for this topic...

I am considering having my child adopted wen it's born. To me, this sounds really harsh and evil to even think about but I just think that keeping the baby wil ruin mine and my DS1's lives.

I am 30 weeks pregnant and my husband left me 4 weeks ago. I was really happy with the one child who I had from a previous relationship but my husband and his family were all very keen I should have another. Now he has left, changed his number and does not want to have anything to do with me anymore I just feel resentment towards this new baby.

I just wish things could go back to how they were before I met him were I had a good job, one son who I love more than anything and my whole life ahead of me.

Now I'm an unemployed, married mother of (nearly) two who spends every evening alone while he is out boozing and enjoying hiself withot a care in the world.

How is it that he can get away with this but if I mention adoption to anyone I'm greeted with shock and disgust?

Oh dear. You are not in a good place just now. Don't make any rash decisions that you might live to regret without talking to someone. Not sure who is the best person to talk to but am sure someone will be along to help soon.

Didn't want to leave you unanswered.

Not an evil thought at all, but I think you should wait until you have had your baby before you make any decisions.

Maybe wander over to the adoptions board? There are other birth mums there and also adoptive parents who would probably be able to give you some advice, or at the very least a non-judgemental ear.

Having another baby doesn't mean it is all over, you can get it together with two. Your XP is a twunt and you shouldn't waste anymore of your thoughts on him.

can you talk to your MW about it too? she might be able to point you towards some counselling which might give you some answers?
Your XP is definitely a twunt, i agree with morloth, and I would hate you to have any regrets. having said that i would also hate you and the baby to have a rough time when you first meet each other because of the circumstances - but as both posters before me wrote, you need time. Don't make any rash decisions, please...

hi ashley, i am so sorry to hear about your situation, you must be in a state of shock

you don't sound harsh or evil to be, you must feel totally trapped, with all the responsibilty of your son and now another baby on the way. No wonder you are feeling angry and desperate

you are doing the right thing to consider carefully all the options that you have. as you will know, there are very few small babies placed for adoption these days so there are approved couples waiting NOW who would be very happy to adopt your baby. but only you can decide if this is the right decision for you all

because its quite unusual these days to place a baby for adoption, you might not find anyone among your family and friends who has had experience of this. that's probably why people are shocked when you mention it and dont knwo what to say

if you do want to explore adoption you need to contact your local social services. in some areas they do baby adoptions and in others its done by a voluntary agency.

you can meet with a social worker there who will explain the process to you and the issues involved. if you wanted to go ahead then your baby could ( in some areas) be placed with prospective adopters straight from the hospital. You woudl be encouraged to visit the baby and to think more about what you wanted. It would be some months before the legal adoption took place, and you would have the right to change your mind until this point

you woudl be asked about what type of family you woudl like to adopt your child and normally you would be able to meet them. you could probably receive written updates and photos of the child throughout their childhood

It is really not a good place to be - I have been there and my dd and I took great delight in the baby arriving, it was a hard time, yes at times I think it would have been easier with just one child - but I have twice the joy.

I wonder if you feel that the presure to have this baby and the feeling of wanting to give the baby away are all mixed and and you can't make sense of any of it?

Id there a friend in rl you can talk to who will listen to your worries and fears?

Ashleystar - you are not alone with your feelings and many people may not admit it but have these feelings we here about postnatel but this can also happen whilst pregnant!
have you got any close friends you can talk to or maybe discuss this with your mw. But dont feel bad and your never alone!feeling and emotions change due to your hormones and also with the recent departing of your partner its bound to stir up feelings of resentment and fear. I have 2 DD and then me and DH adopted 2 boys now im pregnant with another child and its going to be hard but all of us are very excited, we are just a regular home and income isnt great but we cope.
What ever you decide keep on talking and dont bottle your feelings up.
All will be well,you are in my thoughts and prayers - xx

Hi AshleyStar...you are certainly not evil in thinking the way you are - in fact I think you are probably thinking more practically than emotionally about the future. If your husband hadn't left you and you hadn't had any major upset in your life then would you really be considering adoption?

As it stands you have just suffered a major upset which is affecting your thoughts about this baby. You can't compare your situation with your ex - you're a good loving mother who wouldn't dream of leaving her family and he has left everything and carrying on as if he is a single man again. Well he's made his bed now, let him lie in it. He'll have MAJOR regrets later down the road, believe me - especially when he grows up and his child also grows up without a father.

On the adoption front...My mother is a Social Worker who handles adoption so I know a little about the process. Contact Social Services - they are there to help and support you as well as give you advice about your future choices. To be honest, it would be unlikely they would whip your baby away on the day it is born - as a good mother, the preference will always be for you to care for the baby - if not you, they will ask assistance from your family members. Only after this would they consider adoption and like KristinaM rightly says, they'll be ample opportunity and visits for you to bond with the baby and take him/her back. The baby will not be placed with adoptive parents for a good few months so you'll be encouraged to spend time with the baby. Any help/assistance you may need will be provided.

Please don't look into the future thinking you're going to be an abandoned single mother of two, unable to cope, unable to have a career. You have your whole life in front of you, will have 2 fanastic children and a vast amount of support out there (emotional and financial) for you to have it all. Good luck xxx

Ashleystar - what a terrible place to be, its disgusting what he's done of course you have to do what's right for you and your son. You are not evil or harsh, just practical.

Also I would point out that its twice as hard to look after 2 kids than one, especially if you are a single mum.

I would say its best to give baby up for adoption before its born, my close friend (who was desperate for a baby) adopted her son at 8 months, because he wasn't given up until birth he had to go to a foster family until all paper work sorted and it took months - it would be much better for the child to to the new permanent family quicker and to spend less time in foster care.

Of course if you are not sure then thats not an option but I just wanted to

muminNWlondon - there is a scheme run by several adoption agencies called " concurrent planning". It means that the agency runs two plans at once for the child, so they don't need to go to foster parenst and then be moved to adoptive parenst.

the child is placed with one family from birth, who are approved adopters. they will work with the agency and the birth family to try to see if the child can be returned to its parents or extended family. If not, they will apply to adopt the child.

It will be at least 13 weeks before they can adopt the child through the courts, and probably nearer 6 months. So although a birth mother might make an adoption plan before teh baby is born, she wont actually sign the papers to relinquish parental rights until the child is at least several months old.

And of course, the courts will have to seek the consent of the baby's father

Thanks Kristina - I didn't know about that was just telling my friends experience where their DS was given up at birth (ie birth mother walked into hospital with no ante-natal care) he went to a foster family at birth and they got him at 9 months although it took another 3-4 months to adopt him - my friend was just a little sad that he had to move family (and have a name change) at 9 months and wished that the mother had discussed it earlier as she never planned to keep him.

I think that you need to do what's right for you. You may feel differently when the baby's born. When I was pregnant with my twin boys and their dad was being an arse, I spoke to my family about adoption and how I couldn't cope.

As soon as they were born, I felt completely different and realised that my hormones played a big part in how I was feeling. I'm not trying to downplay what you're going through, as it seems horrendous but it is survivable.

Let your husband go out and do whatever, don't concern yourself with that now. Concern youself with your wellbeing and that of your unborn child. Men like him will never prosper.