pregnant again and confused

[jasonthemason]

I'm confused and depressed and don't have anyone else to talk to so thought I'd try here. I have a 2.5 year old, a 3 month old and have just discovered I'm pregnant after massively miscalculating my cycle. I'm devastated and just don't know what to do. I'm barely coping with the 2 I've got, I suffered PND after my first and still have 5 stone to shift from my last pregnancy, so I'm neither physically nor psychologically ready to deal with another pregnancy. The thought of going through with it fills me with horror, but the alternative is pretty horrifying too. I was just starting to get my life back a bit and now this. My DH and I are arguing and blaming each other as we have no money as it is, let alone with child. I'm burying my head in the sand at the moment, and this might not be the right place to post, plus I'm not sure what I expect people to say, but it just helps writing it down. Until I've made a decision I can't tell anyone else. Just don't know what to do.

I'm not sure I can be any help (I am a new mum myself) but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are feeling like this, and didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I hope someone more experienced who can help comes along in a minute.

Just wondering - are you able to BF? I'm just asking as I was overweight before I got PG, then put on lots more weight, but I found that BFing really helped me lose weight.

I know that's not the main issue of course, just hoping it might help a little.

How many weeks are you now? If you are considering a termination then you'll need to act quickly - I know the thought fills you with horror but you should know that it can take around 4 weeks to arrange one on the NHS. I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to know such things as it may help you reach a decision.

All that aside, you and your DH need to pull together on this one - what is done is done and you'll need his support whatever you decide. Blaming each other is counter productive and changes nothing - it takes two to tango after all .

Only you know how you feel about the thought of another child but it sounds to me like it is the last thing you want right now. I suggest you make an appt to see your gp (or even HV if you happen to get on well with her) and discuss your options.

I really feel for you, it would be my worst nightmare to find myself in this kind of situation, but you have to decide which option you could cope with the best - and think of the long-term picture, yes the first couple of years with such a small age gap will be incredibly hard but it will get easier. Having a termination will stay with you forever and only you know if you're the type of person who can live with that (meant in a non-judgemental way btw, I have no opinion either way).

Please keep talking on here if it helps you, you shouldn't be feeling so alone at this time.

Hi - Just wanted to offer support, sorry have no experience with this, just wanted to say don't beat yourself up... mistakes happen, and if you feel aren't physically or psychologically ready to deal with another pregnancy you don't have to.

Go and see your GP, ideally together and talk it through. Yes, a termination can be a horrifying thought, but if you aren't ready for another baby and can't afford it, and it would put significant strain on your marriage well thats a horrifying thought too.

Don't bury your head as you need to discuss and getting moving on your options. As a previous poster said you need to think longterm - although this situation would have filled me with total dread (ie being pregnant when #2 was tiny and #1 was 2.5) hence I was meticulous about contraception at that time, I would probably have continued because I have easy pregnancies, we always wanted three and we could have afforded help - but everyones situation is different and I would not be judgemental at all to someone else who made different choices.

re: weight loss - it sounds as if you are not bfing (because of reference to cycle with 3 month old baby) but you can diet whilst pregnant to stop further weight gain.

Please stop blaming your DH... you need his support and it takes two to tango - it sounds as if you both knowingly partook in unprotected sex.

Really sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Firstly, try not to play the blame game - as someone already said, it takes 2 to tango and it is really not helpful to you right now (or at all). Secondly, get an appointment to see your GP asap - early next week. Even if you don't have a termination, the earlier you explore your options, the better. You may still be able to have a medical termination (a pill), which is at least physically easier and some may feel psychologically, too. Yes, a termination is forever - but then so is a child. PND is v. difficult for all concerned (not least you!) but physically, having a baby again after such a short gap is seriously hard on your body not just your mental health. If you do decide on a termination, then you have to accept it was the right thing for you and your family at the time. The same applies if you decide not to. It will work out ok but you need to discuss your options with your GP now. There is time for counselling either way and help and support is available whatever you decide.
Lastly, don't beat yourself up. It wasn't planned, it isn't ideal but I doubt you are the only one to have found yourself in this situation.

Hi there,

I'm sorry that I can't help with the PND or the weight issues, but I can try and help with the shock and panic that you are feeling - maybe!

I found myself VERY unexpectedly pregnant with our fourth about 17 weeks ago, and I was in completely turmoil and fell into what I feel was a depressive state. In fact when I found out I was literally hysterical - physically shaking, hyperventilating, floods of tears, the works. I was adamant that I didn't want another as the three that I have are a handful enough and in fact DH was booked in for a vasectomy (which he has now had). Termination is not an option for me on religious grounds and so I have had to face the fact that I/we are having another.

I went straight to my GP and she referred me for counselling. I have had four sessions and it is really helping me to get myself in a positive frame of mind about it. I've never had any sort of counselling before, and I was somewhat sceptical, but it has really made a difference. I am sure that if you talk to your GP about your PND and weight issues that there will be a way to help you with those too - as someone said, you can manage your diet whilst you're pregnant without harming the baby.

We are going to struggle financially with four, despite on paper having a very decent income - I will have to give up my job because I am barely breaking even with 3 of them, and can't think that will change with another one to pay childcare for, so not only am I struggling with the thought of having to go all the way back to the beginning AGAIN, but having to give up my professional career (at least for the moment).

You and DH have to try and pull together on this - I have a very supportive (if very shocked) DH which has made all the difference - try and sit down and talk it through rationally, without blaming each other and see what conclusions you come to. Yes it's a huge shock, but if you really want to keep the baby, as long as you pull together, you can make it work somehow. I have a small gap between my first two (15 months) it is doable, even if it's bloody hard work at the time!

I don't know if I'm making much sense (it is 4.50 in the morning, and I've been up since 3am - my brother's girlfriend died of terminal cancer yesterday and as I couldn't sleep, I've been writing letters to the family), but I did want you to know that you aren't alone - but that looking at your post now, and knowing that's where I was 15 or so weeks ago, and knowing how much better I am feeling now, I know that you can get here too - with help and courage.

should obv be 'your diet' - sorry typing fast......

Really feel for you jasonthemason.
I can't imagine how exhausted you must feel. Your hormones are already wired to the hilt and now this wont help. I know I get very depressed for 1st 3 months of PG and can only put this down to hormones as I had no other reasons and felt fine after.
Only you will know what you can cope with either way but I would be looking for some support from the doctor right now and I think councelling will help to get your head straight. At least they will help you to make the right decision in a clearer way.
My friend fell PG 2 months after her little girl and felt the same. She now has a lovely little boy and she is coping fine now although it was tough for first 6 months.
She is glad she had him now though.
They are pretty strapped for cash but they get by.
I know you'd have 3 but you would find a way im sure.
Its not forever, you'll get past nappies and food fights and before you know it they will all be at school!

From the weight/health point of view, that's another thing you'd really need to speak to the doctor about as this would make it physically very difficult.

I hope you will be ok and make the decision right for you. x

Hi I understand how you feel. I am now 17 weeks pregnant and have four children already
my husband and I were going through a bad patch when I found out in August, I really didnt know what to do for the best and it was a truly horrible time. I booked for termination on 5 different occassions and even got as far as theatre but couldnt go through with it. It was at 13 weeks that I finally felt at peace with my decision to keep the baby and am ok with it now, still a bit scared but know I will cope with it.
I went through so many different emotions and was rowing with my husband all the time.
you will know deep down what is best for you and your family and don't beat yourself up about the decision you make. you will get there in the end and try to make sure you take all the support that is offered to you. I had lots of counselling but in the end I just had to do what I felt was right for us all. We dont have much money but people have been kind with offers of equipment and such and we get by like most people do.
wish you all the best and you will find the strength to make a decision xxxx

Hi, thanks for your replies, makes me feel better to know others have been in a similar boat. I'm still not 100% decided one way or the other, but I'm going to have some counselling to clarify my feelings. I honestly don't know how I'll cope with 3 under 4, just having 2 seems like a nightmare some (most?) days, especially with toddler tantrums and teething and sleepless nights all round to contend with. But people manage and I guess we would. I'm scared I'll never have a life of my own again though - certainly won't be able to afford to return to work until at least 2 of them are at school, which seems a long way off for someone at the moment. Maybe I could get an evening job to keep me sane.
On a more positive note, I've started a healthy eating and exercise plan, no reason to put my feet up and feel sorry for myself just becasue I'm pregnant. So far it seems to be making me feel a bit happier. At least I've taken control of something, which feels good.
My other real concern still is that my 3 month old is going to miss out terribly on being the baby - he'll barely get a year before he's a big brother and I feel so mean about that. Do siblings so close in age suffer do you think?

Anyway time really helps these things sink in, and I don't feel quite as black as I did when I first posted. Think I might need some ongoing reassurance mind...

Hi jasonthemason,

It sounds as though you've made some progress even since Saturday which is great - well done you. Just to warn you, if you do go via your GP for counselling, it may take some time to get some on the NHS - I went to the GP when I was 6 weeks pg and didn't get my first counselling session until I was 12 weeks - so if you are considering your options, then I think speed is of the essence. Of course it may be different where you live, but here (south east) she told me that they are very stretched....

I wouldn't worry about your 3 month old - he won't know anything different! Just cherish the time you do have with him as 'the baby' - my DS was 15 months when DD was born, and I don't think he has any recollection of being the baby - just of having a wonderful sibling!!

I had 3 under 5 for a year which was hard work, but a friend of mine had a 14 month gap between her first and her TWINS - and she has survived so well that she's currently pregnant with her fourth - so it is do-able - even if you may go a bit doolally somewhere in the middle .

Keep talking and we're here if you need us - best of luck with the next few weeks.

Hi Jasonthemason - glad to here you are feeling slightly better about things. Don't stress about your baby losing out as in some ways he will gain a lot from having a playmate so close in age. I don't think he'll suffer he'll be so young that he will not know any different, in some ways I think a one year old would handle it better than a 2 year old who has got used to being the baby IYSWIM. You need to put yourself first, and its great that you have got in control of exercise and diet. I am not great at dieting when pregnant but I have exercised right up to the day each baby was born!

Also I imagine once this baby is born you'll be very careful about contraception (I had mirena fitted when DS was 6 weeks old and I really recommend it) & in some ways it works out cheaper in the long run to have your kids close together as before long they will all be at school all day.