The terrible truth about me. I hate this pregnancy.

[BarbieLovesKen]

I know how terribly selfish I sound and I am ashamed but have to admit, I am not enjoying this pregnancy and cannot actually wait until it?s over. I was coping up until last week but now its getting unbearable. Am 26+4. Am counting the weeks and days - I know that?s awful. I know how lucky I am that I can get pregnant at all and can?t begin to imagine the heartache people go through over fertility problems. I hope I don?t come across as insensitive and am so sorry if I do. I just can?t help it.

After having a miscarriage in February I thought I would really appreciate the fact that this one is successful.

It?s not even that I?m having a hard pregnancy or an unplanned pregnancy or am in ill health in any way. Then my feelings would be somewhat reasonable. I feel fine. I?m just really selfish to be honest, it?s not looking like I?m going to be the best mother to this baby - I don?t have that earth mother /enjoying the miracle of pregnancy feelings whatsoever.

I want my baby, I just want him here. I love to feel him kick and move and know he?s ok but id prefer him to be out of my body. I?m so embarrassed and ashamed.

The terrible truth about me is I don?t want pregnancy to end because, like a ?normal? mother I?m desperate to see my baby or that I?m so sick I can?t function or can?t work etc... But simply because I?m selfish - I want my body back to myself - mostly my figure ? I?ve put on ridiculous weight to date and I want to go on a diet and get back into my old clothes ? I like nice clothes and I want to wear them again. I cant wait to get back to dieting and back to feeling half human - I feel like a disgusting fat pig like this and I hate it, I hate when I catch my reflection in the mirror and I?m embarrassed, I cant wait to go on maternity leave so I can hide from people because I don?t want people to see me like this. Vanity is one of the reasons I want this to end and I believe that?s disgusting.

I want a cigarette. Desperately. I found it really difficult to give up for the pregnancy and I know there is no way I will smoke until I have this baby but hoped not to go back on them once ds is here but know I will. I?m not making excuses but work has been really stressful ? am being somewhat bullied and some of you will remember my thread, my DH cheated on me over a weekend when I was 8 ? 9 weeks pregnant which I?m still devastated about and cant seem to get past. Id also do anything for a few glasses of wine with that cigarette (I?m a no alcohol whatsoever person during pregnancy), I want to wake up once a month with a hangover and I want to go dancing with my friends and DH every now and then.

These are all such ridiculous reasons for wanting my poor baby out of my body and I?m wracked with guilt for having them. I could never admit this to anyone in real life.

I?m even resenting the fact that I ?have? to try and breastfeed again (very bad experience with dd) as this will delay my dieting, having a drink, having a cigarette etc..

My behaviour/ thoughts are disgusting and I?m aware of that.

I have a 4 year old dd and that was an unplanned very unexpected pregnancy yet I displayed waaay more maternal instincts during the pregnancy and I believe that I have been a good mother to her - far from perfect but she is loved to pieces and a very happy little girl. This is a much wanted/ planned baby and I cant understand why I?m behaving/ feeling this way.

I am counting the days. It?s ridiculous that I know that I have 13 weeks and 3 days until my due date which feels like an eternity. I also went 11 days over with dd and am absolutely terrified that the same is going to happen. I would resent the extra days of this.

I?m terrified I?m going to be an awful mother. My priorities are all wrong.

I?m sorry this has been so long. Its almost a relief to get some of this off my chest ? as I cant admit it elsewhere. Thank you x

Just wanted to say... I smoked while pregnant inasmuch as I didn't give up till I'd taken the pregnancy test (got pregnant surprisingly quickly and kindof thought I'd have more time) I really struggled but went to hypnotherapy and that seemed to really help. I also did (don't laugh) have a nicotnell gum with a decaf coffee first thing in the morning to try and recreate that coffee and a fag feeling for the first couple of months.

That's 5 years ago and I haven't smoked since.

Just wanted to chime in with everyone else. I'm 16 weeks and already feeling like I am getting huge - I don't know if I can bear the thought of a full-size bump and I am already concerned about losing the weight after. I feel like I have to surrender my body to the baby. I hate the sacrifices and changes I have to make to my lifestyle while my DH goes on his merry way.

I know these are rather petty annoyances and then that makes me feel bad.

But I also know that it is totally normal to feel this way and when my DC arrives I will love him to pieces.

Hopefully all these responses will help you feel better and realise you are not alone.

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh thank you all, I feel so normal now!!

x

I feel a bit like this too! 34 weeks and just want the baby to be born so I can start to feel normal and thin again. I know that is really superficial but it's how I am feeling. I also want to get drunk like a 14 year old - again very silly but that's how I am feeling! I think it is pretty normal - I have had an easy pregnancy but it doesn't stop me feeling like I want to be "me" and wear normal clothes. I sometimes get paranoid my boobs will get saggy or I will not go back to how I was. Especially as most of my friends don't have babies, and quite a few aren't even married/engaged.

I sometimes wonder if I have wished my life away a bit (albeit that I have wanted a baby since I was small) when everyone else is still enjoying their mid-late 20s. However, I DO kno that when the baby arrives I will love her so much and I wanted her so much and so does my husband. It's almost the anticipation that is worse - once she's here she will simply be my life and that will be it - lots will change but I am sure I will deal with it and embrace it (and get a babysitter once a week and go out and party )

Sorry for rambling post - I feel ungrateful sometimes, especially when I know that, for eg, another of my friends is TTC now and it hasn't happened straight away, but my friend who has had a baby said she hated being pregnant from the start and felt the same so I do think it's pretty normal!

I bloody hated getting so fat in pregnancy too. I get an enormously fat face too - out of all proportion to the actual weight I put on. So I look even more terrible. Really I just wanted to say that breastfeeding and dieting are not incompatible at all, you can do weightwatchers/slimming world if you want to, but I just gave up refined sugar and bread and the weight came off quickly.

I'm getting the feeling this is a little bit more than the usual feelings that others are mentioning. I had AN and PN depression and alarm bells are ringing here. Have a chat to a symathetic GP if you can; you don't have to go down the route of ADs but a diagnosis and talking treatment will help. There are issues underlying your feelings and if you don't deal with them they will fester.

I'm absolutely shitting myself about the weight after baby is born - am now 38 wks and was a small size 8 before and have put on probably 4 stone or so now!!! And i'm huge!!! i struggle with walking, bending absolutely everything!! Everyone keeps saying it's water retention which i'm also sure it is as very puffy but that doesn't help right now cos i guess i won't know until after!!! ave struggled with looking nice and being comfortable and feel extremely ugly!!! Very very much wanted baby and have soo much love for it in my tummy but i always thout pregnancy was just a bump on your tummy and everything else you carry on with!!! Oh how wrong i was!!! haven't been able to exercise which i was always very fit, due to extreme tiredness and think we all need a HUGE pat on the back (along with bottle of wine) once we have had our babies. Hopefully our hormones and bodies will return relatively quickly!! I don't think people realise how difficult pregnancy is (and some sail through it which makes you feel worse) but everyones pregnancy is different and no one person can tell you how you should/shouldn't feel or how much weight you should gain or just to get on with it as other people do it all the time!!! Good luck to you all xxx